To thine own self be true

I walked, practically running across the parking lot. I was ready for Friday, and I didn’t need anyone to catch me before I made it to my getaway car. As I started the engine a song came on the radio that I hadn’t heard in a while. So, I laid my seat back, turned the volume up to took a breather and let it wash over me.

"Frightened by my own reflection

Desperate for a new connection

Hold you in, but don't you get too close

Love you now, but not tomorrow

Wrong to steal, but not to borrow

Pull you in, but don't you get too close

I just wanna feel (Feel)

I just wanna feel somethin' (Feel somethin' now)

But I keep feeling nothin' all night long"

“Plastic hearts”, I relate so well to this tune, it’s like Miley had been following me around, taking notes on my life, borrowing scenes from my soul to incorporate into this song. I listened intently, maybe trying to absorb some of them back. Sitting there with my eyes closed, feeling every single word. I couldn’t help but dwell on what a long week it had been. The demands at work sure had its way of completely draining me. All the deadlines and commitments, add in my personal life, let’s just say, I will be available to co-write many songs to come.

“BANG, BANG, BANG “I jolted upright, hitting my head on the visor. There they were the girls from the office. Laughing and talking through the window at me about the time we were about to have.

Marla: the office sweetheart, everyone loved her. She had her plans though and they were precise. She planned to be the CEO in 10 years. She was no nonsense at work and knew exactly how to get things done calmly, efficiently, and of course, with a smile. Her goal was hard work and perseverance, saving after hours for when she demanded instant gratification and her personality totally morphed.

Tammy: the office dating expert. She didn’t have great advice to give. No, she had just dated everyone at the office, and took it upon herself to advise you who to stay away from. She had a complete tutorial put together in a binder of the ultimate dream date, and was setting herself up to be the next great dating app.

Penny: our best customer service representative. She struggled with the reasons behind relationships, and why you would confine yourself to one person anyway. After 5 years of answering calls and dealing with customer complaints, the tolerance toll had been rung. She was more than willing to see herself as a modern-day nomad, moving in and out but never settling into any one institution.

They were great friends, the kind that have your back no matter what! The ones who vowed to make sure I didn’t remember just what a wreck my life had become. Who in a moment’s notice would be ready to drop everything and drag me out to the club with the plan to slowly, yet intentionally drown any emotion I may still be feeling. Or hunt the guilty down and leave no witnesses.

Keepers!!

I had been through a difficult breakup, and I was handling it as well as I could handle rattlesnakes at a tent revival.

Yeah! Not so well. “Twice bitten once shy”, only I had been bitten more than a few times.

Typically, I would use any excuse to avoid going home. And believe me, we had going out - down to a science.

A routine madness solely structured to incapacitate the thinking part of the brain, nearly perfecting it!

We’d spent many weekends learning new ways to move on and let go, or as we decided to name them:

Cocktail coping, vodka victories, whiskey whims, margarita madness, tequila tips and magical Merlot miracles!

On the merlot nights, we found the ability to once again believe everything could work out as it was meant to be. We went as far as creating the perfect guy and a list of the top 10 “musts”.

Listed from 1-10:

1. Beathing, with no significant other

2. Southern drawl, (any accent really)

3. Great smile

4. Funny- loves to laugh

5. Motivated

6. Adventurous

7. Faithful

8. Gets along with our friends

9. Doesn’t live at home

10. Able to carry on a conversation, without using the word, dude

No Psycho killers seemed obvious, but we noted it for good measure as #11

But, a night at the club was certainly NOT what I needed tonight.

Although the girls weren’t happy with my decision, that certainly wouldn’t keep them from having a great time and filling me in on all the details Monday morning.

Tonight, was about giving in to a relationship from my past, like a vein that brought complete healing directly to my soul. I knew no one else could make me feel better.

Unlike most 26-year-olds, I looked forward to Friday night dinners and cards, at the same old kitchen table my father made when I was about 7. I have always been a mama's girls, and when things swirled out of control, mom and dad always had the best remedies. So, I went home.

So many memories and stories had been shared there, that if that table could talk, it would probably tell you that my parents weren’t always happy with my life choices. I had made quite a mess of things as of late. But they never let on. They were my one source of honest comfort and peace. The only safe place I had left. No pressure, no expectation, no disappointing looks. The one place I had to completely relax and unwind. My safe zone.

I felt like a kid again when I was there, and mom went out of her way to cater to her little girls every need 😊

As I pulled up to the house, I noticed an unfamiliar car in the driveway. “who is that?”, I wondered.

I slipped off my shoes and changed into my “gaming attire". My one size fits all Bronco sweats and sweatshirt, symbolically and officially stripping me of any grown up responsibilities or worries, completely releasing me to my weekend freedom, or so I thought.

When I walked through the garage, I could hear voices. I recognized my parent’s voices, but there was one I had never heard before. I stood just outside the backdoor for a moment, eves dropping. It was a man’s voice, deep, gentle, and smooth as caramel. Was that a southern drawl?

I mentally noted, #2 on the merlot miracles list.

My hands full, I fumbled with the knob, pushing the door with my shoulder. I could feel something blocking it, so I kicked it with my foot, forcing whatever was in the way to move. I heard my mom call out, “HEY, wait a minute…! Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!!”

As the door swung open, I could see a man in his early 30’s, dark hair, athletic build in a beautifully tailored Stuart Hughes diamond edition suit jacket and what now could be described as a newly blush dyed button up Dolce shirt.

I knew exactly what had happened, and I was mortified! I could hear my mother’s voice, frantically apologizing, I watched her lips moving, but there was no recognizable words. My dad was running as if in slow motion to the sink for seltzer and a towel.

Without skipping a beat, like it was scripted, the word simply fell from my mouth, right over my lips, off my tongue and into the air between us. There was no stopping it, as if I were purring. “PURRRFECTION!”

As quickly as my brain caught up with my mouth, our eyes connected. I put my hands up to cover my lips to stop whatever else might spew out at this seemingly fictional character now standing in front of me in my mothers’ kitchen. Completely soaked in the "magical miracle potion" we had created our drinking list to.

Wishing I could disappear and feeling on display standing bare footed in a puddle of red wine, trying hard not to murmur, “they really DO exist”!!

All time seemed to stop, when he said, with that silky-smooth accent: “Hey, you must be Carrie!” He grinned a grin the devil must have created just for him, and placed his hand in mine, “nice to meet you, I’m Dermot.”

Timing, it’s all about the timing.

Mom interrupted our impromptu staring contest by making a proper introduction. “Carrie,” she said taking my arm and moving me closer, “this is my hairdresser Marleen’s son, he’s a photographer, he just got back from Maui. Isn’t that exciting dear?” Me, still just staring, when my dad chimed in, “Dermot, Carrie is the HR manager at Black point, downtown, she has been there for what, about 10 years now? She oversees all of the companies hiring, domestic and abroad.” I smiled bashfully, like a little girl asking for seconds after dropping her ice cream cone.

Being polite and noticeably attentive, he nodded and said, “Is that right? I’m sure that it’s demanding being in charge of so many people, and being able to size someone up to place them would take quite the intuition and insight. Yes, I did just return form a photo shoot in Maui, on one of the islands. I could never quite conform to the business as usual game, I guess that’s why I took my shot at photography, I've never looked back.” I was in awe of his confidence, “um, what do you take pictures of?” I said trying to get myself focused, and sound even a little coherent. “Scenery mostly, but on occasion when the right face hits me." The way he looked at me gave me goosebumps. He grinned again, knowing he had embarrassed me.

He opened his phone to share some of his work. The photos were breathtakingly exquisite. He had been all over the world, photographing and experiencing things I only watched during weekend binges on Netflix.

“You’ve got great eyes,” I said stammering, He laughed, “I, I mean a great eye, you definitely can see the beauty in things.” His face softened, “yes, I enjoy being able to capture what someone else misses, there is so much going on around us, sometimes we can’t see what is right in front of us. I’ve spent my career trying not to let those things pass me by.”

Dad came out of the bedroom with one of his sweatshirts in hand, “here Dermot, put this on”, he said laughing under his breath, “now you can be as casual as Carrie is”. That's when I remembered I was in my gaming sweats. “uh umm, we were going to play cards tonight,” I stammered. “no worries” he said,” By the way, I love the Broncos!”. I don’t know why, but I blurted out, “I don’t really like the Broncos, I’m more of a Peyton Manning fan, I followed him from the Colts, and now that he left Denver, I don’t watch them or anything, uh, I just like the sweatshirt.” As he smiled, his nose crinkled a little , laughing he said, “well, that’s ok, I’m not trying to recruit you.”

I excused myself to the bathroom to escape and regroup.

Looking in the mirror I scolded myself “What is with you Carrie? “You’re a professional, you talk everyday for a living. Stop acting like an idiot, pull yourself together, just be you!”

I could hear mom announcing that the pizza was ready, so I ran my fingers through my hair and said to myself, “here we go, don’t you embarrass me” We all made our way to the table and got comfortable.

The rest of the evening was delightful. I couldn't have planned a better evening. As we played cards, I began to relax, and found that we had many things in common. Communication was light and easy, and it felt so good to genuinely laugh, we laughed a lot!

I couldn’t wait to tell the girls that my mom had delivered every item on our perfect guy list, without even trying. I guess my parents wanted to be sure I made good choices, so they narrowed the odds for me.

It was getting late and he said, “I should probably go,” Thank you Carol for the invitation and I will be sure to return the sweatshirt Bill.” When he turned to me, he held my hand with both of his, “Carrie, it was an absolute pleasure to meet you, you are definitely refreshing! I would really like to get your number and if you’d want, it would be my pleasure to take you out for dinner and a drink. I agreed, not wanting to seem too eager. I put his number in my phone and titled it Broncos, it was a humorous reminder. He took my number, grabbed his stained shirt and said goodnight.

I sat in the chair by the fireplace with my Magical Merlot, laughing to myself about the list and the silly mishaps of the evening. Feeling more relaxed than I had in months. Realizing for the first time in a long time, happiness doesn’t need to be so difficult.

Watching the fire dance in the reflection of my glass and listening to my parents laughing and talking in the other room, it dawned on me.

I was the sum of this equation. I was the only one that could create my own happiness. I took a sip of that sweet red wine realizing something I should have known all along:

I AM the perfect date!!