To My Wife's Future Husband

Dear Sir,

I am writing you today so that I might help you in your future life with a woman whom I have loved deeper than anything I have ever experienced before in my life. My trials, my mistakes, her mistakes, our choices, good and bad, have given me a unique perspective that might help you be everything to her that she deserves.

Is she perfect? No. Will she ever be? No. Neither of you will be, but that is what marriage is about, being what the other person is not. I used to think that a soul mate was someone who shared your thoughts, dreams, strengths, etc. What I came to learn in my life with her is that a true soulmate is someone who is what you are not. Between the two you form one complete person. Where I was weak, she was strong and vice versa. Our goals for life were different to a degree, but that is ok, it adds diversity to your life. Commitment is about looking at someone and saying, “your journey is my journey”. Holding strong to the commonalities but celebrating the diversity. Letting the person shape you and you shape them. According to John Gottman, you work on solving the solvable and agreeing to disagree on the unsolvable.

The first thing you are going to need to know is what are her love languages; acts of service, quality time, and words of affirmation. It took me far too long to figure these out. If I had to do it over again, I would focus on each of these daily. Once you discover your partner’s love languages, if you do not work within them, you are remiss. Even if you think they are happy and everything is going OK. Do not ever miss an opportunity to speak love to them in a way that makes the most sense to them. I too often was complacent thinking she was happy.

She’s not a strong communicator, that’s another reason why focusing on the love languages are so very important. By keeping her heart filled with those, you will leave very little room for miscommunication. Learn to hear what she’s not saying. Learn to fill her need even before she has it. It’s completely possible to do when you are listening with your heart. Though my heart was completely full for her, it’s ears were closed and its eyes blind. Complacency is the enemy of relationship growth. If one of you are complacent, it can be worked around. If both of you are it can spell death for your marriage. Find ways to fall in love over and over again. You have to, you will both change several times over the course of your marriage.

Put God first. I can’t stress this enough. My mistakes, her mistakes, our mistakes were all the result of not putting our faith first. When you disallow God to lead you and the Holy Spirit to move your heart you leave yourself open to suggestion from areas you really don’t want suggestions from. Go back and re-read our mistakes and see how easily we were led astray. And how hard it would have been to do if we kept our eyes on Jesus instead of the storm. I pray every day for the Lord to forgive her and bless her. Please be a strong spiritual guide for her. Be the spiritual leader of the house and help her stay the course. I want the promise of eternal paradise for her. I live to see her again one day, in love with me, as a fellow child of God together in heaven.

She deserves all the happiness this life has to offer. She deserves love from the deepest part of your heart and soul. Don’t be miserly in what you give her and show her. This is one area I didn’t fail in, but the one thing I failed to do. The one thing everyone in her life has failed to do for her is protect her. Not that she’s fragile, she is so much stronger than she’ll ever show or maybe even knows herself. Guard her soul and her honor. She is a pleaser so make sure whatever you indulge your tastes in are wholesome and show how much you cherish her.

Be her ride or die, even if it’s just to the grocery store. Don’t miss not one opportunity to spend time with her because she’s worth every second of attention and company that can be given. Don’t let her get cold, she can’t stand that. Even if you have to lay on her side of the bed prior to her coming in to warm it up. Though I suggest a heated blanket with a timer. Turn it on 30 mins before time to go to sleep. If she’ll let you, take her to work so she doesn’t have to walk in the heat or the rain…and definitely not in the cold during winter. Whether or not she wants you to princess her to the door, when it is cold make sure you start the van for her and turn on the heated seat. She likes two tablespoons of sugar in her Earl Grey tea. You should fix the tea hot but make sure to leave the top off so it will cool a bit before she drinks it. If you take her to Olive Garden and talk them into fixing her Steak Gorgonzola, you’ll be her hero, but fear not, chicken alfredo will always suffice. You see, it’s not on the menu anymore. Make sure she’s stocked up with Cupcake Moscato d’Asti. She’s not a big drinker, but likes a cold glass of wine every now and then to relax. The most special person in life was her granny. Our youngest daughter shares her middle name. She was a kind, sweet lady who loved “talking to her friends” on the computer. Never forget that the anniversary of her death is on March 15th and she’ll need a little extra tenderness that day. She will have been gone 11 years in 2021.

Her thick, beautiful, brown hair is curly like hair of the most ravishing Scottish princess. When you run your fingers through it, you must be slow and deliberate. When you feel resistance against your fingers, slowly roll them forward and around the offending lock of hair to the next part and continue onward. This will happen often, so you must gain a proficiency with smoothly transitioning as to not pull her hair or obstruct the sensation of your touch. Her cheeks and full, luscious lips are smooth and much easier to stroke with no issue. Caress her often enough to show her all the tenderness I wish I had, but don’t overdo it, she likes her space.

It took me a lifetime with her to learn all these things. I had to experience my mistakes, live through her mistakes, and learn through the mistakes we made together. In the end, all that acquired knowledge couldn’t save us. Maybe the greatest service I can ever do her is to keep you from making any of the ones I’ve already made. In doing so, I can help to ensure more happiness, quicker and longer, for her than if you had to learn these things on your own. She longs for belonging so make sure you never make her feel like she doesn’t and support her when she seeks it out.

Sir, she was my princess, but now she’s yours. Do a better job than I did. No, the fall of our relationship wasn’t only my fault, but had I done my part better maybe it would have been enough. Maybe not, the situation is in God’s hands now and I will not dare to debate His wisdom in the execution of His will. My only prayer is that you are who she was meant to finish out this life with. Make her smile often, she is radiant when she does. Make her laugh. She has the cutest laugh. And if you make her laugh hard enough, she’ll throw her head back and snort. Every story she tells will be done with her hands and don’t get annoyed when she hits you if the person in the movie isn’t doing what they’re supposed to. Cherish it. Cherish her, always. God bless you, sir, and may He also bless your lives together.

As for my kids, just be good to them. The position of daddy is already filled.

With All Respect and Hope,

Bryan Johnson, The World’s Second Luckiest Man