To any child

Please read Kaitlyn

To My Sweet Baby Girl,

I’ll start with I love you!

Life didn’t begin until you were born. Every breath you took brought with it a new adventure, a new feeling I’d never experienced, a feeling of life, or the new understanding for the meaning of life. For your first few months I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, I had no clue why you wouldn’t stop crying at 4 in the morning, even after I had tried everything possible. I admit, I got angry at times trying to understand you, trying to learn you only to feel as if I was failing miserably. I even broke down once or twice… or maybe a thousand times. Because the truth is…every minute with you has been an unpredictable string of events that has taught me what motherhood is all about.

I loved watching you learn how to roll over, crawl, walk, and talk. I embraced the times when you were sick, knowing it was my only chance to get anyextra cuddle time. I was so proud and secretly sad the day you learned to put yourself to sleep. I wanted you to stay so small. But as you grew, so too, did our family; three quickly became four and four turned right into five, life as you knew it was changing. Heck, life as I knew it, was changing. No longer were you the center of attention, no longer were you the “only grandchild.” And at times as you learned to share that love and attention, you would put up quite the fight. But remember Sis, I too was learning, I too, had to share. And as I struggled to find the perfect balance of loving you and the boys, I was reminded of how I constantly fell short. I failed at giving you the attention you deserved, I failed at keeping my temper when all you wanted was to ask me a question, I failed at holding you when you needed me most, I failed at being there for your first period and I failed at being there for prom.

And for all that I am sorry. I am sorry for letting you down and constantly failing to be the parent that you deserve and I’m sorry for being selfish and wanting to give up at times when you needed me most. Can you truly ever forgive me? Will you? Because all I desire is to love you and Elliott unconditionally; all I desire is to give him the kind of Grammy and you a respected mom you deserve. I want to see you push past your fears and be the woman that I know you were created to be.

Kaitlyn, even on my best day I will fail you. But even on my worst day, I will never give up on you. You are worth every bump in the road, every parenting fail, and every break down I went through.

You are still so young and have much to learn but please, can you try to understand and forgive my mistakes? The choices you make for your children will be to protect them. Those choices will bite you in the butt sometimes when your kids think you made a mistake. I promise to ALWAYS love and support you through yours.

I love you dearly,

Mom

P.s. just because you are still angry with me doesn’t give you the right to disrespect me. I fought through blood sweat and tears to get better and come home. I have proved myself.

I am sorry for my past and the effect that it had on you. I am a good person and I was a great mom and You should not want to be so hateful to me, I want to talk about life with you and enjoy my adult daughter but conversation with you is only fun if we are talking about nothing. You pick apart everything that I say or do and it’s so sad because you think that talking to me that way is normal! It is not! I am not a failure, you are not a failure.

I’m sorry that I made you grow up too fast. I constantly yell and put pressure on you and that isn’t fair. I’ve made you cry when all you were doing was trying to help. I do it out of my own anxiety and it has nothing to do with you.

I felt perfectly fine with you making your own ramen noodles and washing your own dishes when really you probably shouldn’t have been using the stove alone when you still needed a step stool in order to stir the pan. Maybe me sucking as a parent is making you a better, more sufficient mother but I’m still sorry. I should have been doing all that for you for at least awhile longer.

I feel bad that I never checked your homework, yet alone helped with it. All I ever did was ask if you did your homework and trusted you when you said yes. When you showed me your graded work I said good job then put it safely in the folder that I still have today. Maybe I should’ve hung a few of those A’s up on the fridge for a while to show everyone.

This is the part I am most sorry for. I’m sorry that I chose drugs and went to prison, Leaving you alone to fight the world. I’m sorry that I left you to basically parent yourself and your little brothers because I was worn out. I gave up. I didn’t give up on you. I gave up on me. And based on your tone when you talk to me and hatefulness towards me, I’m pretty sure you gave up on me too. I’m sorry for all the times I said no just because I was too tired. I’m sorry that most days I half heartily listen what you’re saying because I’m too busy, when we all know whatever I was doing could’ve waited. I should never be too busy to hear you. I should’ve listened to you better.

I hope that one day for every time I said I’m sorry, you tell ME thank you.

Thank you for teaching me life skills instead of doing them for me. Thank you for letting me do the work on my own so that I know I was the one that earned those grades. Thank you for letting me fail so that I can I learn to rise back up. Thank you for making me be kind to my younger and more vulnerable brothers as now I know how to spread kindness to the less fortunate. Thank you for teaching me responsibility. Thanks for always being busy because that helped me to learn problem solving skills.

I’m sure there’s more I’m sorry for. Nobody is perfect. Parenting is hard and there is not a manual with instructions. This is my very last apology to you all! I have suffered enough for my drug addiction. You 3 are GROWN as you love to point out. I hope we can move forward and grow together as mom and daughter. If you choose not to accept this apology I will be forced to break my own heart and continue forward without you. I will not condemn MYSELF anymore. I deserve to be happy too. LOVE MOM! ❤️