Time Out

Time Out

If his stovepipe hat and lanky gait didn’t give him away it was the fact that his strong Kentucky tenor voice cut through a crowd like a boatswain’s whistle on water.

The shock of seeing Abraham Lincoln would have in every imaginable scenario captured that moment but it was only subdued by the simple question of how did I get here to begin with. Not in this moment, but in this time.

I always heard that quote that Edison invented over a 1,000 inventions and the 1,001 was the lightbulb. Im not quite sure that’s actually true. But in any case well let’s just say it took me a bit longer. 9,786 longer to be exact. I had pulled that rickety lever as many times before but on the last snap something happened and I ended staring at the 16th president of the United States of America.

Funny enough my last thoughts before weren’t on where I would go. This is because my expectations the thousands of times before led me to assume this time it wouldn’t work, right on schedule. So my mind wandered as I watched the news critique the current president of the United States for falling going up the stairs on Air Force One. Which apparently means he has dementia and unfit for office. Then a prompt but serious reminder to viewers he has said some racially insensitive things recently in his speeches. What a time to be alive where society is so comfortable being sure of their assumptions and judgments. And don’t you dare think you’re getting away with that time in 3rd grade where you pushed the jewish kid down and called him a poo poo head because he didn’t want to play tag that would find you being cancelled or issuing a deep and heartfelt online apology 30 years later. Or maybe that one time you were hangry and decided that snippy passive aggressive behavior would help speed things up. Instead not realizing the staff was black now with the addition of cell phone footage you are now racist. This is why we all like a good parody to poke fun and point out our shortcomings as a human race it’s just too easy.

What would people even do if they didn’t have the ability to share their poorly informed opinions on topics quicker than I can remember my breakfast.

I threw my head back with an empty laugh that only resonated in my mind. I conjured up a scenario. What if someone saw George Washington looking at another women and noticed a larger smile than usual. Would the blacksmith take notice or perhaps take a picture and post it to twitter with a caption. “Founding Father Moral Failure” .Then the nightly news would grab it and declare with a bold headline “Infidelity in the White House: read up on why our founding father may be headed for the nations first presidential divorce. Hear from his fellow soldiers later on the warning signs they had seen long ago during the French and Indian War”.

Unlikely to say the least but generally amusing to laugh at how ridiculous we are as a species sometimes I said to myself. Not to mention the many practical holes that leaves with that juxtaposition but none the less hilarious.

Sometimes laughter ushers into our being more change than we can see with our eyes. So when we want to shake up our failures a good self depreciating laugh can welcome in a new perspective.

But not this time…because no sooner after that lever snapped into place did my laugh echo the one bedroom studio in the San Fernando Valley then I found myself in the solemn stillness of a crowd dressed in similar garb standing at Gettysburg, watching my breath rise above the crowd that was intently listening to arguable the greatest President we have ever had Abraham Lincoln.

My heart was off to the races faster than those greyhounds who chase that mechanical rabbit around the track. How did I get here? I mean I know how I got here but how did it actually happen this time. Okay process process what did I do different this time. I mean this is impossible right? No you’re an inventor dummy. I mean I just resided to the fact that I’m not what you would call a successful or even skilled inventor. Why me? My creative process is more likened to someone who doesn’t know how to cook and throws random spices and ingredients together hoping that it tastes good.

I timidly looked down and assumed I was proclaiming inside my head “wow look at my clothes” Until a gentleman turned around and cheekily stated yes same as us all I suspect now let’s keep quiet so we can hear the President speak. I continued in my head the adaptive transpositer must have actually worked. I mean as I had hoped that if I ever was successful that I would be dressed for the occasion and it gives the best chance of not sticking out well lets say like a black and hispanic man in 18th century America. I tried to laugh to keep from having a full blown panic attack but a subdued chuckle could not even be summoned.

I frightfully tried to remember my checklist. That poorly written set of questions that now was acting as a coaster in my apartment if and when my invention finally worked. What was on it! ok ,check body for both wholeness and holes? Switched body parts? Missing body parts as I sheepishly looked down and let out a sigh of relief, check. Check your pockets, ok in my right pocket a solid lump that felt more like a small brick. But before I could check it I heard a rousing applause crescendo across the crowd. Chants of praise drowned out my reasoning and left me blinded by a sea of lights that had suddenly erupted from every direction in the crowd. Wow I didn’t know there were so many photographers at Gettysburg. Suddenly that big brick in my pocket began to make what sounded like a cheeky Old Timey piano tune. When I reached inside what I pulled out looked something like a cross between a Zach Morris phone, the first iPhone and that phone you get from a grocery store that never breaks. I looked with a gape that could have fit all the money I owed to Sallie Mae and my university.Did I just get a tweet??

Suddenly, all around me I saw people pulling out these phones with long attenas. Scanning now wildly across the horizon I caught sight of several massive mechanical structures that looked like something out of a steam punk horror film. I tried in vain to gather my thoughts and mental bearing. The sight of people taking photos of a President on what looks to be an 18th century smart phone lets just say a cascade of questions flooded my head. How was this even possible I mean infrastructure? Or Did I just alter the outcome of the CIVIL WAR! I must have left my phone in my pocket by mistake and that changed something. This is bad, not Michael Jackson bad either. Like I broke the number one fictional rule we always see in time traveling movies. Do not touch or change anything and alrighty I did exactly that. This is bad would I even be able now go back to the same exact time?

Time out. That’s it! It makes perfect sense! The math was there the whole time it was a possible and plausible scenario when manipulating the time space continue and black holes for that matter. My vision started to return and blood rushed back to my head along with more of my reasoning.

I wasn’t in another time. I was in another dimension.

Before I could even finish that thought I saw Abraham Lincoln ebbing closer in my direction as he navigated a sea of handshakes and smiles. Oh no what do I do! What do I do! Before I could turn to hide myself I heard that same Kentucky blue grass accent that echoed over the crowd say “I suspected you would show up your people have done this nation proud color or not their blood spills this same ground I suspect it’s only right they had the chance to fight for the freedom they deserved. Yeah you Shepherds sure did us proud”

Before I could even begin to stammer through an answer a loud crack ripped across the field. Everyone collectively ducked and let out a frightful scream.

A few of those around Lincoln immediately grabbed him pulling him down and covering him as he flinched so quick his tall frame was almost cut in half as his body instinctively quivered. The gasp was soon interrupted with the relief filled awe of fireworks. It was then interjected with the hard cursing of one of his security agents “Dang it! didn’t we tell them we don’t need any of these things almost scared the president half to death” A light chuckle lingered around us as the president turned to him and quietly said “Now why would you say that”. He then turned to me “Excuse me young fella it seems our time is shorter than we all would like pleased to meet you and thank you once again”. Say something, say something I shot courage to my mouth and only got off “Don’t worry Mr. President we will be alright without you!” Ohhhh come on! Even in another dimension I’m awkward.

That was all I could get out as he briefly lifted his hand and turned as if confused by my comment, we both were. An eerie but all too familiar typing was surrounding me and suddenly that sound again coming from my brick like phone. I looked down to see a tweet. Is this a GIF of Lincoln ducking and shivering with the hashtag, your president. Suddenly,I got one headline alert after another. “Lincoln scared of fireworks! How can he face down uniting the confederacy back into the Union?”. Another one “Lincoln looking frail and seems to weak to keep the country together". The last one showed a side by side of Lincoln and Confederate President Jefferson Davis. Only Davis was standing with his chest out in front of cannon fire looking like an American Napoleon and Lincoln holding his body in a brief fright.

I quickly asked the gentlemen next to me if I could see his phone. I saw him watching a video of what looked like a reporter that I could hear echoing across the field but out of my line of sight. “I just finished listening to the presidents weak and ineffective speech, as you saw from his response to the fireworks even after defeating the south he is unable to be the strong vision of a President to unite a country but we will let the images speak for themselves”

Wait what? What is he talking about? My new friend said abruptly “Have you been living under a bridge? The war is over, we took out their towers and President Lincoln authorized a preemptive strike operation across the south with the special presidential unit. The confederacy surrendered within days”

I felt a numbness starting at my toes something like when your foot falls asleep and it started to creep up my body. I turned to respond to the gentlemen so …but before my mind grabbed any words to force my mouth to speak my body felt like it was hurled into a sling shot. I hit the hard linoleum floor of my SFV studio. When I came to Marconi ,my dog not inventor at this point that probably is an important detail, was suspiciously staring at me.

I pulled myself up and as I panned around I tried to figure out if I had traveled back to the wrong place. It looked like my apartment and my dog was here but it was like I was moving or you know what just my luck. My invention worked and better than expected I traveled to another dimension but congrats on return I was robbed. My tv, gone. I ran to my room, computer gone. Tablet gone. No! You know how long that took me to pay off! All my electronics gone!

I flung open my front door in a furious frustration. But then a still pause crept across my body and I slowly bent down to grab my morning paper. I let out a sigh of relief okay well I’m in the right time and at least they didn’t steal my paper. Good thing I’m old school like that I almost felt okay again. That is until I looked up and a chill went up my spine that made my body go cold. You see I lived on the edge of the valley my rent was high but it was only well worth the view. Right next to a mountain that always caught the sunsets you only see on postcards. But as I scanned the horizontal there were several dozen people standing right in front of that very view. In the middle of the San Fernando Valley, In the middle of Los Angeles just enjoying the view. No selfie, no Tik Tok video. No phones out trying to get the perfect shot. Just a few people soaking in the beauty of a sunrise. My heart sank…what have I done.