Those Little Hands

"How will I tell you that he's not coming back?" The question was just on my head. I could not bear to voice it. But I let you watch him go. I was cruel. I should not have. But I did not want to lie, even if I cannot speak the truth. I wanted to show you how truth hurts. I was angry at him. Maybe, I wanted you to feel the same way.

You were right, I am a monster.

So, this is the first day of just the two of us. Somehow, it felt a little quieter. There will be no more fights at home. You will not hear us shouting at each other anymore.

The car was gone. Our car was gone. It was one of those few first for us. Our first car. It was precious when we bought it, though it was not even brand new. It was the first car of the family. Now, it meant nothing. It has already turned to the next street. We cannot see it anymore.

We are still standing by the window. Unsure of what to do next. I was just holding your hand. Your other arm was hugging Lei, your favorite doll.

The quickest three months had come to an end. It was like we were put in a whirlpool. Against our will. Who would want to be in a whirlpool? Or a quicksand? There was no happy ending in a quicksand. We were just planning for a wedding in June. I already have chosen the design of my wedding dress. You will be the flower girl. The only flower girl.

I did not even notice that we are starting to lose him. How dumb am I? I was too confident of our family. The family that we had. There were signs. There were misunderstandings. There were fights. But I really never thought that those were the start of our end.

I felt your small hand moved a little. Maybe I was holding you too tight. I looked at your small face. I could not even speak. My voice will crack.

“Mama-“ Your small voice brought me back to present.

“W-we can do this, can’t we?” I replied as if you will understand. You were too young. You were just five. You were still a baby.

I felt your hand tighten to mine. I stepped backwards. Away from the window. I knew it was time to face reality. To think about how to start.

I sat on the edge of the bed. You climbed up. Lei was still on your arms. I did not notice the tears that fell down my cheeks.

How do I describe the pain? How do I stop the ache? The world crumbled down and I have no power to undo it.

In June, I was planning for my dream church wedding. A small, intimate one. Different from the first civil wedding we had years ago. We both agreed we will have it in January of next year. I dreamt of it for a long time. I dreamt of wearing a white wedding dress, and walking down the aisle, and exchanging vows.

By September, he was gone. He met a girl in June. The same time I was looking for my wedding dress. He confessed he fell in love. Crazy, is it not? How can he do that? How can a married man fall in love with another woman? But he did. He truly did. He broke my heart. He broke my little girl’s heart.

I felt your hand held mine. I did not even notice that you are already beside me. I wrapped my arm around you. Your little body was just like Lei. Little. And I cried some more.

"Just let me cry." I do not know if I muttered it.

You did not reply. Your little hand just held mine. You understood. You were there for me.