* Things my family taught me*

I was not loved growing up...I was taken care of, but not loved. Growing up I always knew I was different. I knew at a young age that I would never be or live out the expectations my mother had of me. Now with my kids, I am the type of parent I wish I had growing up.

It wasn't my mom's fault, she was the oldest of eight kids, from what I learned is that my mom has a different dad than the rest of her siblings.

who made a mistake in picking her first 2 husbands and then became a single mother. Gladly she stepped into that role, another title for her to add to her repertoire to gain sympathy from her viewers.

She is someone who didn't become a mother until she was 32. She was already her own person, then along came me. I was nothing more than a "doll" like figure to her, something to show and say"look what I have". She has always been very big on parading around the dog-n-pony show. I was something to add to her list of "accomplishments" to her friends. I remember going to her job and her flaunting to her friends here are my daughters, and her friends falling for her ego trap"OMYGOSH they're so cute" and us reciting the lines of thanks my mom scripted for us in the car moments before. She showed us off to parade us about then that was it, the extent of the appreciativeness to have us as her children. I remember feeling like a restored car she acquired, to show off, to brag about then put it away until she needed to show it off again.

My mother would lash out both verbally and physically at me and my sister, mostly me. Blaming us subconsciously for her life not turning out the way she hoped it would. I was a tomboy and she HATED me for that. She hated that I laughed at fart jokes, that I would rather be outside in the yard with dirt on my hands or building something rather than be inside reading a book or watching TV. Don't get me wrong I love those things too, but if the sun was out I wanted to be outside. I wanted to do sports, she wanted me to dance, I wanted a bike she wanted me to learn to cook and clean. Everything I did started a fight or resulted in one.

My mother would dress me and my sister up to match in expensive outfits. She expected us to be these sweet cute "lil' Ladies" wrapped in lace, satin, and chiffon, she expected me to act like one too. She would spend money she didn't have on designer brands, food, activities, etc. I remember going to Macy's and shopping in the clearance rack, just so we could say "I bought it at Macy's". I'm not saying I hated going out to the movies or being exposed to the plays and cultures she had exposed me to, but when it came time for me to get a yearbook, or go to the dance, or buy a friend a gift for their birthday(things that matter to me), all of a sudden we had no money.

When I told my mom, as an adult, "I never got a yearbook", her reply was, "that was your fault for not asking your uncle for money like your sister". THAT was her response, not taking any responsibility. It was MY fault. My bad...In a way, I guess it was my bad, I never became the cute helpless little ruffle-wearing lady my mother expected me to become. I didn't allow myself to become, her doll. Now as an adult I realize that even if I was her doll, I still wouldn't have those things.

I would have rather not have the yearbook than ask my uncles for money, for something I didn't NEED. I would ask for money for the laundry mat, to buy tampons at the dollar store, for lunch money, again, things I NEEDed. It was embarrassing asking them for money knowing we went to the movies or shopping the days prior. Whenever my mom needed money she'd pull into my grandma's driveway and ask us to get down and go ask my family members for whatever they could spare...I remember one day my uncle stating, oh so your mom has money for that new purse and makeup she showed your tia but then have you coming in here asking for money for groceries that yall are just going to go to McDonald's and she pockets the rest...I wasn't that shocked. I felt like my foggy kid glasses were traded in for 20/20 adult vision. I finally realized why I always had sought my mom's approval but always had an uneasy feeling about trusting her...It was then I realized what my intuition was telling me...that my mom was a selfish person, a flake if it didn't benefit her in any way and she was horrible with money.

At the age of 13 I remember making a conscious decision to stop saying, I love you to my mom. I don't know why, probably as a punishment because that was all I could take away from her. I took it away from her because I knew I was different and that she would NEVER accept me for who I am. How could I love someone who doesn't love me for me? someone who chooses to ridicule and point out ALL the flaws that I have, internally to physically. If anyone treated my children as such I would not have them anywhere near us.

My older cousins (the youngest almost 10years older than me)and I recently had a get-together and their memories of my childhood are exactly how I remember it. At the time, it just seems like "that's the way it is". After having my children I realize...that is NOT the way it is supposed to be.

My cousin says she remembers seeing my mom, with her cute purses, always taking them out somewhere, out with her friends to dinner, living a fashionable life, and it made her in a sense want that also, the "boujeeness", that is what we named it.

To this day she still doesn't fully accept me for me. I feel the only reason we even have a relationship is so that she can talk to her grandkids. I still don't have that Mother/Daughter relationship that I always wanted but I now choose to love her regardless of how she is.

I don't have a strong relationship with her and we don't just go to hang out. She never calls just to say hi, it's always when she needs something, a ride, food, money. I do choose to allow her to see my kids and babysit every once in a while. My oldest just walks there after school, he's too old for a babysitter, but goes there and gets on his videogame. I think he realizes what kind of person she is and still, he loves her but realizes that's the extent of the relationship.

Growing up I always tried to escape with my Nina (my godmother, my mom's middle sister) She was always out with friends, playing softball, going on vacations. That was who I looked up to. Even to this day, I tell everyone she's like my mom. After realizing my mothers' faults I started looking at every adult in my life and realized everyone has faults. No one is perfect. Even my godmother, Shes brash, makes irrational decisions, chooses things that suit her at the moment, protects those that have done wrong to others, but I can talk to her without worrying about what she'll say or how she'll react to me. She's my mom. That's what I choose to be for my kids.

I choose to be someone they can be themselves with. To feel free to express themselves. I let them use curse words, I let them watch almost whatever they want, with a warning of what to expect. In the end, they tell me, mom, I don't think that's appropriate for me or yes, I loved that. I'm teaching them to communicate what they are comfortable with, letting them ask me questions about whatever they want to learn and live in a space where they can do dangerous things carefully.

I want a good relationship with my kids and the family I create. I choose to learn from what I wasn't given. I choose to accept my children, to love them unconditionally, and that they will always have a place with me.

NV