Things I didn't know about my mom till she died

Things I didn’t know about my mom till she died

My name is Jordan Taylor Johnson and I am going to tell you a story. I was born Sept 1 1998 to Katherine Johnson and John Johnson who were both Navy corpsman. I was conceived in Bethesda MD, born in Charleston SC, moved to Okinawa Japan when I was one and a half and when I was four we moved to Roanoke VA where I would spend the next fifteen years growing up in a small town. Mom was from Roanoke VA and dad was from Rochester NY. I have a brother that was born in Okinawa Japan when I was three; he was one and a half when we moved to Roanoke. Dad and mom divorced when I was nine and Darius was five. We went with dad one week and mom one week it was hard time for us but we tried to hide it because we knew mom was fragile and we always worried about her. I just didn’t know how fragile till the day she died.

I am living in Richmond at this time and I was twenty three and my brother is in the Navy stationed in Pensacola FL. One morning I am getting ready for work and I feel good looking in the mirror I am happy. My phone rings and I am wondering who is calling me at this time, I look and its mom’s boyfriend Neil’s number. Neil tells me he is sorry to call so early but it is the only number he has, Kathy died last night. My world shattered! So I call my dad because there was no way I could tell DJ on my own. DJ and I are driving to mom’s rental to clean out her house, we are holding hands as we drive up and both start to cry. I tell DJ she made us strong and we can do this but we had no clue what we were about to find.

We have two weeks to clean out her house and since mom had a falling out with her family, we decided to do all of it alone. Dad told us we first needed to look for documentation on life insurance and those kinds of things. So we go through her file box and desk and any box that looks like important documentation. DJ finds a box of journals some go back to 2005 it is now 2021. The first thing we notice is the writing is sometime print and sometime cursive. We actually laugh cause DJ was never taught cursive so he tries to make it out and I laugh and take it from him and loose papers fall out so I read it:

Oh how I love my kids

They show me light and passion

Sweet kind and honest

Unbroken natural living

Oh how they make me who I am

Kind gentle motherly

Always always

My wonderful kids

Making me who I am

I always knew mom wrote things but there is a box of these journals some have dates some do not. What do we do with these? Do we read her personal thought and feelings in so much difference in tone in writing? So I flip through a little more and I read:

He must have gotten a glimpse of me deep inside

The darkness of my soul that I hide

Why did I show him it oh why did I not hide

He must have gotten a glimpse of my soul inside

Run run run I must go inside

The pain the hurt it is too much to hide

I want someone who knows me so I do not have to hide

As I flip the pages I keep reading all of moms personal thought and feeling all of the time feeling so sad that I never knew how much she loved us or maybe I did but I was too young to realize. The next one brought us to our knees:

Dear Sugar Plum

While you are a caterpillar

And I the butterfly

You shine so bright

Hold your head up high

Keep pushing me up when I fall down

You are my light

My shining soul

When you soar high above the sky

I will be there to catch you if you fall

Live love learn my caterpillar

Because life is yours

So young so sweet

My little boy

You hold me tight and give me comfort

You are a lion a bear a cat

Hold mommy tight

Because she needs you

We both realize how sad mom always was and I wonder how she hide it from us. Why did she have to die? She had finally found happiness true and pure happiness and now she is dead. All this sadness in these journals so much of it I cannot bare to read it.

9/22/15

Today my life changed

I have cancer

I have cancer

I said I can handle this information

No I don’t think I can handle it

I don’t have a choice so I do

I remember this time I was fifteen when mom got thyroid cancer we had to stay with dad because mom was doing radioactive therapy and could not be close to anyone not even the animals. Greg was there for her and I had no clue what she went through. I was young and all I knew was when she said she was good but why didn’t I see what was happening and how she was feeling. Then in 2021 she had another surgery for cervical cancer and then she had a ruptured diverticulitis with an ileostomy placement with the reversal just a couple of weeks ago. I should have come home on Thanksgiving we should have come home. This notebook was found on her nightstand. When I open it I wished I had of known so I could have told her how much I loved her!

Dear Jordan and Darius:

I am so sorry

The pain is too much

I am tired so fucking tired

Mentally and physically I cannot do it anymore

I know something is really wrong

Oh the pain I can’t take anymore

My love for you two is so strong

I am not scared

I felt it coming

He has been knocking on my door for some time now

I know yall are young

But please understand

I have fought my whole life

Now you two have your own life

I am so happy

It makes me smile

But now I have nothing to keep living for

This is not suicide please understand

I just cannot do another surgery again

The pain is intense and I know something is wrong

I could call 911 and start recovery again

I am weak please forgive me

The fight is gone

I have had a great life even though I am still young

Being your mom has been the greatest gift

I know it is going to be hard

Please understand the pain is too much

I love you two so fucking much

For me to let this go is not easy

I feel the light and warmth

It is easing my pain

I will not worry because I know I will be there

To watch you carry on

I put all of the journals in a box and take them with me. Mom had two really big life insurance policies maybe she knew she was going to die this year. I took a year off of work and moved to a remote island in the Caribbean. I now realize my mom never recovered from my dad leaving her. He was her soulmate and he ripped her to the core. She hung on living with this inside of her never letting anyone close enough to see or feel this pain inside. I never understood that Darius and I were the only two things keeping her alive and now that I do it has broken me inside. Maybe I should have never read her journals but then I would not of known how hard she tried. I moved to the Caribbean cause Jamaica was her favorite place to visit. Sometimes I can hear her laugh and see her smile in my mind. She could light up the room bright, beautiful and kind. Why did she have to die? My mom was a nurse give her sixty seconds and she would have you wrapped around her finger. Her heart was so big and she gave her all taking nothing back. During her time in open heart surgery and the cardiac cath lab she saved a lot of peoples lives and watched a lot die. Her emotional ranges were wide. She even saved a man at the bar one night when he fell out she preformed CPR until the ambulance arrived. On the day of her funeral it was a packed house there were all types of people some told us of how she saved their life others had stories to tell. She was so loved and I will miss her every day of my life.