The Words I’ve Never Said

Dear Daddy,

My eyelids are closed tight and as I open them, I can see streams of sunshine behind my eye lashes. When my eyes focus, we are standing in our backyard next to the old wooden fence on the left-hand side. You reached down and gently picked me up. I remember feeling safe- not safe like I do now as an adult but rather calm and fully knowing that you were there, and that you would never let anything happen to me. You placed me in the child seat of your bike. As I look up at you towering over me, shielding me from the bright sun, you are smiling down at me.

That is the very first memory I have. I must have been only about three years old. I do not know how long we were on the bike, but I know I will never forget how special I felt in that moment.

Somewhere around that age is when you came up with that song and nickname for me. The first time you sang it, we were at a stop light. I was in the backseat and you are looking through the rearview mirror at me;

“Red stop,

Yellow Slow,

Green Go

For my Sweet Tomato”

When I was five, I remember you carrying me from the trampoline as I was crying uncontrollably at the sight of blood gushing down my leg. I had fallen on the springs and torn my knee open. You lifted me inside, inspected my wound and then transported me to the car. My leg was hurting, and I was scared to go to the hospital, but I knew you were going to help me through it. It was that same trip to the hospital that I started becoming interested in some day pursuing Nursing.

Another strong memory I have of you lifting me was when I was seven. I had been so sick that for days, I hadn’t been able to eat anything but a few popsicles and had hallucinated that there was a ghost in our house. Mom took me to Dr. Mockbee. After a short exam Dr. Mockbee called the hospital and let them know that they needed to be prepared for an Emergency Surgery to remove my Appendix. All the way to the E.R. I was crying. By the time we got to the hospital I was in such pain that I couldn’t walk. I remember how effortlessly and without hesitation you took me into your arms to carry me into the hospital. I hadn’t felt well in days, but you stroking my hair and reminding me that we were getting help, took some of the tension out of my little body.

That night, after the surgery, you were the one to stay with me at the hospital. I know you couldn’t have slept well with me asking for ice chips and to go to the restroom every hour. You must have been exhausted, but you helped me with a smile the whole night. Thank you for loving me that day and keeping me safe.

I got so accustomed to you always being there for me, especially on game days. I think when you get used to something, even if it is a really good thing, you can take it for granted. I definitely didn’t realize how much it meant to me that you were there. That is until that one basketball game you missed. I kept looking up during warmups and expecting you to be there. You never were. I couldn’t keep my eyes out of the stands and I played awfully that night. Afterward, Coach told me that you hadn’t made it to the game because Grandpa was in the hospital with a heart attack. I still feel guilty for being so disappointed that you weren’t at the game.

Wow, I just realized that most of my strong memories with you, somehow involve trips to the hospital. I guess I really did give you and mom a run for your money. But you know dad, all these medical situations reaffirmed to me that I wanted to be a nurse.

You never forgot that I wanted to be a nurse and encouraged me in expanding my knowledge. I think having me help give you insulin and keep lists of your current medications was a great idea on your part. I remember every few weeks you would have me review the medications and practice giving them to you.

One morning I woke up to noise in the living room. When I opened the door to my room I was surprised to see five EMTs in the house. They were asking mom a million questions as you were taken in a stretcher to the ambulance. Your eyes weren’t open. One question that mom didn’t know the answer to was “what medications does he take?”

I perked up and said, “I have a list of all his medications.”

I had never been proud that I did that task for you until that day. Mom’s look of relief was everything. I handed the list to the EMT and mom and you went to the hospital.

It was a strange sight, seeing you that way. The feeling I got was as if I already knew that I would never speak to you again.

That day was such a heartache. Between finding out the news from the doctors, making the decisions that had to be made, and having family come to say goodbye. It was hard.

Moments after we said goodbye to you, Uncle David asked me, “So when do you leave?” I was blown away at that question. I had completely forgotten that I had been accepted to GCU on a full scholarship to pursue nursing.

I stared at him blankly until he repeated “When do you leave for college.” My eyes got big, and I just shook my head back and forth, forming the words in my mind. I wanted to shout, “I’m not going anymore!” but mom…

Mom stepped in and said, “She leaves in two weeks.” She then turned to me and said, “You are leaving in two weeks. Dad was so proud of you for getting the scholarship and getting into GCU. You HAVE to go. You will regret it if you don’t go.”

If we weren’t at the hospital, I might have yelled at her; “HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO MOVE TWO HOURS AWAY FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER RIGHT AFTER THIS HAPPENED?”

Dad, I was so, so mad at mom for a long time. I knew that what she said was true, but she never gave me a choice. She never gave me that time to grieve.

On my first day of Anatomy Lab, the professor started the class by educating us that we would be doing much of our learning using Cadavers. She said that if anyone had had a death in the family in the last year, that student might want to consider postponing the course until later. Here I was a freshman, living two hours away from my family, my father recently gone, and I was taking a class where each day I would be reminded of death.

I did not postpone the course. I powered through. It turns out I really did had a lot of knowledge already from taking the Sports Medicine class you had helped me get into.

Flash forward three years later I was graduating ahead of schedule with a BSN. At my pinning ceremony I thanked mom for pushing to go to GCU. I graduated Magna Cum Laude and passed the state board of nursing test in the minimum number of questions.

That was over four years ago. I am now an experienced RN. I am trained in multiple departments, and I am thriving. I have had multiple patients and staff members tell me that I am an excellent nurse and that they appreciate my bedside manner. Dad, going through everything I went through as a kid and teen gently helped me prepare to be this amazing Nurse.

Oh, yeah I’m sure you know this but, A LOT of nurses have left or are planning on leaving the profession due to the extreme PTSD issues that have been caused by the COVID pandemic. I thought for a long time that I was going to be one of them. However, with certain situations I can feel more adrenaline than I would at those sports games. And sometimes, I swear I can feel you cheering me on from the sidelines, just as you have my whole life. As of right now, I am doing better. I am seeing a Mental Health coach and working through the trauma of being a frontline worker.

But daddy, that is still not what prompted me to write this letter to you.

During nursing school, I met Jake. He is smart, athletic, patient, loving, and treats me like a queen. I know you two would get along so well. He loves sports and you two would talk all day about games and such. He and I got engaged during the pandemic.

Planning the wedding celebration was tough. I was a wreck that month before, knowing that you were not going to walk me down the aisle. Trevor walked me down the aisle for you daddy. I decided that the song that you and I would have danced to is “I Loved Her First” by Heartland. It makes me cry every time I hear it.

As a substitute for the Daddy Daughter dance, Mom and I danced to “Best Day” by Taylor Swift. That song means so much to mom and me, but part of the reason it is so special is because it gives a tribute to you with this line; “I have an excellent father, His strength is making me stronger.”

Daddy, I am not always strong. Sometimes, I am very weak. But I want to thank you for being my father. I know you did the best you could. I also wanted to tell you that my father-in-law looks out for me well as a father figure. I’m blessed to have him and his amazing son Jake in my life. Jake treats me so well. It’s hard to imagine what I have ever done to deserve such a love I have with him.

Daddy, if while you’re in heaven, you come across some spirits that haven’t yet come to this world, specifically ones that might come to my family; Can you keep them safe and loved until they are ready for Earth? I promise to tell them of the epic sport games, camping trips, and hospital visits we had when they get here.

I miss you and think of you often,

Your Sweet Tomato