The Three Requirements of a Good Relationship

The Three Requirements of a Good Relationship

Frustration and Disappointment in Relationships

Many people after they've been in a couple for some time will privately admit that they are in many ways frustrated and disappointed by the person they've chosen to share their lives with. If pressed for details, they will have no difficulty coming up with a list their partner they might complain is too loyal to their irritating family or doesn't share their views on the layout of the living room or never wants to go on camping holidays or plays tennis every Wednesday evening no matter what or doesn't like Moroccan food or doesn't share their enthusiasm for 19th-century Russian novels or has a habit of adding actually to every second sentence when it's actually redundant. As the list gets longer, they sigh. They still love their partner and they long to be happy together. It's just that it seems impossibly complicated to make this relationship work.

The Burden of Expectations

What's driving the frustration is not that they've sadly fallen for an idiot as a mate, it's rather that we have all inherited needlessly complicated ideas of what a relationship is supposed to be for. We are told that love is meant to involve the almost total merger of two lives. We expect that a loving couple must live in the same house, eat the same meals together every night, share the same bed, go to sleep and get up at the same time, only ever have sex with or even sexual thoughts about each other, regularly see each other's families, have all their friends in common and pretty much think the same thoughts on every topic at every moment. It's a beautiful vision but a hellish one too because it places an impossibly punitive burden of expectation on another human.

Rethinking the Ideal Relationship

We feel the partner must be right for us in every way and if they're not, has to be prodded and cajoled into reform. But there is another perspective: relationships don't have to be so complicated and ambitious if we keep in view what in the end actually makes them fulfilling.

Three Essential Things for a Fulfilling Relationship

If we boil matters down, they might really just be three essential things that we want from a lover: firstly, kindness— a partner who is gentle with our imperfections and can good-humoredly tolerate us as we are; secondly, shared vulnerability—someone with whom we can be open about our anxieties, worries, and the problems that throw us off balance, someone we don't have to put on a good front for, someone around whom we can be weak, vulnerable, and honest, and who will be the same around us; thirdly, understanding—someone who is interested in and can make sense of certain obscure features of our minds, our obsessions, preoccupations, and ways of seeing the world, and whom we are excited to understand in turn.

The Key to Relationship Fulfillment

If we have these three critical ingredients to hand, we will feel loved and essentially satisfied. Whatever differences then crop up in a hundred other areas—perhaps our partner’s friends or routines won't be a delight, but we will be content. Just as if we lack these emotional goods and yet agree on every detail of European literature, interior design, and social existence, we are still likely to feel lonely and bereft.

Releasing Ourselves from Overly Complicated Conflicts

By limiting what we expect a relationship to be about, we can overcome the tyranny and bad temper that bedevils so many lovers. A good, simpler, yet very fulfilling relationship could end up in a minimal state. We might not socialize much together, we might hardly ever encounter each other's families, our finances might overlap only at a few points, we could be living in different places and only meet up twice a week. Conceivably, we might not even ask too many questions about each other's sex life. But when we would be together, it would be profoundly gratifying because we would be in the presence of someone who knew how to be kind, vulnerable, and understanding. A bond between two people can be very deep and important precisely because it's not played out across all practical details of existence.

Simplifying Relationships for Greater Fulfillment

By simplifying and clarifying what a relationship is for, we release ourselves from overly complicated conflicts and can focus on our urgent underlying needs to be sympathized with, seen, and understood.