The Single Mothers Survival Guide Series

“There were some days I would call my friend, Ami, (my soul sister since high school) ten times a day just so she could remind me how strong I really was.”

What are some of the challenges confronting a single mother—or should I ask, what are not? Money? Custody battles? Paperwork? Healthcare? Childcare? Spending time with your children? Having a personal life? Work—or not having work? Food and cooking? Utilities? Activities? Mental health? Wounded kids? Loneliness? Time-management and etcetera, etcetera? It’s no wonder we can feel scared, overwhelmed, and hopeless. Each one of us only has 24 hours in a day and even a superhuman person couldn’t do this all alone for an extended period of time and still stay healthy. Fortunately these challenges get broken up into more manageable time slots and there are techniques in taking on these challenges, one step at a time, even one moment at a time.

As long as you are moving forward—even a little bit—and even when you take a step back now and then, let me repeat this cautionary remark: Be gentle on yourself! This means you understand there is no such thing as perfection, even if you are a married mother. However, when encountering single motherhood, some moms are hard on themselves and practice perfection as one way to compensate for feelings of inadequacy.

OK! We have survived so far. Is it even possible for us to thrive? Again, I think this comes to us in small glimpses of happiness, or moments of joy that become larger and larger as we continue to heal. Living life is for all of us, but both the challenges and rewards are so magnified when you are a single parent, you might feel some reluctance on your part to live your life as you should. You might want to hide instead, but structure is crucial for us as single parents, and also for our children. By structure, I don’t mean you should be rigid; I mean you should set priorities. It can start with a simple priority at first, such as just making it through the day or by keeping a roof over your head and getting the children dressed, fed, and to school on time. Later on, priorities could include getting a better paying job or starting a home business. Whatever your starting point is, take the top three items that are important to you and do these first. Let the little things go for now, or at least cut yourself some slack on being perfect.

One major challenge most single mothers face is financial. In my case, as mentioned in the first article, after I quit my job I went back to school and lived on little income and food stamps for two years. I had a little car that got us around (the one I stole back from my ex as explained in article 1), nothing elaborate. This time in my life was probably one of the most humbling times I have experienced. I found out what confidence, community, and determination really meant to us as a family unit. We learned how to accept help, financial and otherwise.

Facing challenges isn’t always easy. There were some days I would call my then best friend, Ami, (my soul sister since high school) ten times a day just so she could remind me how strong I really was. I needed to hear her words of encouragement. Ami had seen me through two divorces and knew all of my idiosyncrasies and weaknesses, as well as my strengths. Some days I would pick up the kids and drive to her and Chris’s (Ami’s husband) house at the beach and kick back like we used to when we were 19. We all need relationships and friendships like this.

Let me go back to challenges. One day, while running an errand in downtown Indio with all four children (including my then three-year-old), we hit a pothole in my little Ford Escort and broke down in the middle of the street. We were 1 hour from home by driving and who knows how long by walking. The temperature was over 100 degrees. Probably more like 110 degrees. . We started walking and ended up at Wendy’s Hamburgers on Highway 111, the major highway that runs through the Coachella Valley desert cities. By some miracle of synchronicity, it turned out I knew the manager there. I used to work with him in retail sales. I told him our dilemma and he gave me $6.00. Thankfully, this was enough to rescue us. We were able to get home and the tow truck driver took a check for our car. If trust and determination didn’t pull me out of that mess, then I don’t know what did. This experience only reinforced my desire to find resources that would allow me to have an easier time or, at the very least, to have cash in my pocket for future challenges and emergencies .

Make books on the internet your best friend. There are lots of articles and resources that were not around during this time in my life. You can research books on scholarships, SBA loans, grants, etc., and you can look for free activities where you can entertain the kids during this crazy time! Some websites like 211 and government offices also have lists of resources for single parents. If money is not an issue and you already have a good career or trust fund, then you are fortunate indeed. The extra money gives you more freedom to be able to keep your life intact. If you do have the money, then what is your biggest challenge? For most of us, it is time or lack of time.

Jennifer is a 24-year-old single mother of her first-grade daughter, Christie. She has a decent job, help from her family and, with additional help from her ex-mother-in-law, she even manages to keep her daughter in private school. She finds her biggest obstacle is not being able to get enough time to spend with her daughter for special events. Field trips, recitals, and even doctor and dental appointments are difficult to schedule when you are working full time and even more so during times that are under a lock-down. Despite the fact that Jennifer is strong and quite capable, she has to either not attend the things that are most important to her, or risk losing her job. Quitting her job and going on welfare is not an option. She is also playing a double parenting role, as sometimes Christie’s father doesn’t show up when he should. Dual parenting is not unique to Jennifer and is a challenging situation many single moms face all the time. Check out your options so that you don’t miss all of your child’s events?

In the book, The One Minute Millionaire by Victor Hansen and Robert Allen, the authors state the answer to adequate or ample finances lies in finding multiple streams of income, which is usually easier said than done. Despite the difficulties, this avenue does make sense since more money can free you up and give you extra time, and just working at your job may not be enough to do this. Again, this involves prioritizing and setting and writing down goals. Belief and trust in life are a must if you want to overcome financial hardships. Use your job as a stepping-stone and start to dream and plan for the future. The book suggests you find like-minded people to collaborate with you on this endeavor because money—or the lack of it—can stop you in your tracks.

Four or five of you can brainstorm on moneymaking ideas, either from home or in the work force. You can each go according to your individual talents, whether they are cooking, typing, internet sales, organizing parties, home repairs, etc. Pool your time and resources and be diligent about checking out credentials and potentials. Zoom is a great way to join groups and accomplish this! It might take some time to achieve new income sources, so don’t stress, but be patient and persistent. Read books on finance. Learn how to format a business plan and project income. Live Plan is an excellent business plan resource. Explain to your children what you are trying to do. They are smarter and more perceptive than you think and, as you become more resourceful, so will your children. Magic will happen and you will role model courage and resourcefulness to your children.

While you work, you may miss a school play or two, but you finally are breaking out of the victim mode into the one of a victor. While you’re at it, try to find a way to schedule as many appointments as you can after work, keeping your work hours more available for an occasional hour or so off for school events or during the pandemic virtual events. Talk with your child’s schoolteachers about scheduling as many events as possible for

evening hours when things get up and running again. My youngest daughter went to four to five field trips a month to watch local live theatre productions during her first grade. I thought that was excessive, and she did much better scholastically in second grade where they only had three or four field trips during the entire school year. So talk to the school staff and to the other mothers and see what they think. There are tons of single moms groups on social media where you can connect and get ideas. If getting to work on time and leaving work on time is a problem, many schools have morning and after-school care at either no cost or at a minimal cost to one-parent families.

If you are simply too busy and overwhelmed to change things, then forget about it for now and pull your resources together of people who can help. Be comfortable at where you are in order to preserve your health and your sanity. Good physical and mental health can be crucial to raising children and keeping yourself intact. The energy expended in being an effective and loving parent, while also employed or a business owner, or any of the other many roles we play, is taxing—to say the least.

A healthy diet and supplements can help. There are many books and articles available on the subjects of health and supplements, and the internet has plenty of information. Eat nourishing foods and also take supplements to nourish your mind and body. Candles, aromatherapy, and massage can also provide soothing relief and relaxation.

Your mind is like a computer. What we put in our brain comes out in our psyche and in our body. Our mind is so powerful that if we think something will happen, it can happen. This happens with both good thoughts and with bad thoughts. If we tell ourselves over and over that we are bright, capable, healthy, abundant, and whole human beings, our mind will process this and send the information to all the cells in our body. It stands to reason that we could then act this way, and when we entertain enough of these thoughts, and these beliefs form in our core being, we will be able to create this outlook in our life. Conversely, if we use negative self-talk, the same thing can happen and your life may go in another direction.

How many times have you heard someone say—or maybe you’ve said it yourself—“I’m not smart enough. I’m not good enough. I’m not pretty enough.” Do we fill our minds with I can’t or I don’t have, or I feel sick and tired. Tony Robbins says in his book, Unlimited Power, instead of asking yourself why, ask yourself how. Why is such an open-ended question. It can lead our brain around in circles and we may never find an answer to a question such as “Why can’t I ever get ahead?” Our thoughts will then justify why we can’t ever get ahead. Tony Robbins states a better question would be “How can I get ahead?” This allows our brain to find the solution. As you can see, how we talk to ourselves can definitely impact our well-being.

Nurturing our spirit, soul, or inner-self, keeps us in check while making choices that affect our family’s future. When we have to rise to the many challenges of single parenthood, decisions aren’t always easy and confusion can be the result. By nurturing our spirit through mindfulness or meditation, we gain strength and guidance to live up to our highest and best potential. It can bring us an awareness of calm and peace. Knowing we can have help from consciousness or life helps to eliminate fear and provide us with trust in the process of life as it unfolds. Don’t give up. It takes time to heal the spirit and soul, just as it does the physical body.

Early on, opportunities and happiness may seem elusive, but as we accept each moment for what it is, “a flash in your life,” and as you begin to take notice of everything around you, your perception of circumstances will change. Challenges can become opportunities for growth and self-actualization. No one usually accomplishes anything of great moment while in a comfort zone (not that there’s anything wrong with intermittent comfort zones). Challenges can allow change and miracles to take place. Life can be an adventure when we concentrate on what is good and right in our life. When we do this and focus on our own path and let go of feeling sorry for ourselves, we can stop the blame game and our spirit can soar. At the same time, we are being renewed and strengthened. As our heart and mind lifts up and positive energy flows forth, it gives us courage, love, and hope to overcome our challenges.

Loving and Emotional Practice:

Think of all the people in your life that are there to help you even when you feel you don’t want their help. If you can’t find any, look on the Internet and find an activity, meeting, or support group and make a decision to call one of them. Our challenges seem smaller when we are not alone.

Loving and Emotional Affirmation:

I am not alone on this journey called life.

This Article is dedicated to all the beautiful and courageous women who have—in one way or another—ended up alone with a child or children.