The Single Mothers Survival Guide Series

“To sum it up, society needs a social shift in consciousness regarding the attitude it has toward single mothers.”

I chose to write this series for single mothers, rather than for single parents. Please don’t misunderstand my motives, as I believe being a single father has many challenges. However, these experiences are best told by a single father, one who knows what it is to be there when his 13-year-old daughter starts menstruating, or when she wants to start dating. This could be a very awkward position, even for the most understanding and supportive dad. The perspective I offer is from a woman’s point of view and some of the feelings and situations that single moms go through in relating to society.

If being a single mom has made you feel like an outcast or a failure—or even like an alien in a strange and condescending world—you are not alone. Almost every woman I have talked with regarding this subject seems to feel the same way. Sure. People will try to be nice to you—with comments like, “Honestly, I don’t know how you manage.” Or they might say, “You must be some sort of saint;” or something equally condescending. Comments like these and others send us the message that we are different—or possibly defective in some way. No matter how secure you are or what you have accomplished, if you take any of these comments to heart, erase them from your memory right away.

Consider this. Most women who are in a two-parent family and raising children (yourself until recently) are viewed as normal and are usually accepted in our society. Unfortunately, as soon as a woman becomes divorced and single again, everything changes and the message she now receives from society is entirely different. It’s as if we have failed a test and cannot prove ourselves worthy. Even your ex-husband’s parents can be a point of contention and ignore you and the children. Your children already feel abandoned by their father, and if the grandparents also abandon them, it is a double whammy. So, how can we change or resolve this erroneous view about us and about our children?

One way to do this is by recognizing that false and untrue judgments can happen and we don’t need to make excuses for our lives. We are already just like every other person on this planet. Even if we are being victimized, we should have the courage to not continue being a victim. As women, we have different or innate characteristics than our male counterparts. One of these is the female impulse to nurture. No matter what the circumstances, start to esteem yourself in the midst of well-intentioned people who are remiss about what they do or say. Many times people don’t realize it when they are being judgmental.

Know who you are as an individual. Perhaps your individuality is a gift you may never have acknowledged; or perhaps you forgot about it while you were married or in a long-term relationship. Whether it was a relationship, marriage, or being widowed that left you alone with a child or children, this is one time in your life you can really get to know yourself. Realize that society is molded and behavior norms are formed by this societal mold. Many people never get an opportunity to find themselves as individuals, even in the face of adversity. They are usually too busy attempting to conform to the mold.

Some of my most precious memories are colored with a tinge of rebellion and a lot of independence, which in itself is not necessarily bad. I like it when my children and now grandchildren express who they are. Ryan used to wear the weirdest clothes in middle school and actually sometimes still does. He has a funny and nonconformist sense of humor and has everyone laughing at him, and some even trying to emulate him. Even his teachers couldn't always resist him. (He was, however, a good kid and his middle school principal and most of the Coachella Valley still remembers him, many, many, years later). These non conformist actions were evident at an early age, and because of these traits, Ryan had an easier time ignoring societal views after the divorce, even though he did have many other issues to sift through.

Shelbi, his sister and also the one closest to him, also speaks her mind no matter what others might say. She is very sensitive to others though, and will not deliberately hurt anyone. I admire her leadership qualities and her ability to know her own mind, even in the face of adversity. She was also a good kid who now is a great Single Mom and I am proud of her. All of my children were and still are well-liked and popular. They are all great parents now too! This is not because of what they wear or who they choose to follow, but because of who they are as people. They are not perfect and they know how to express anger, happiness and fear, and how to be themselves in an ever-changing and sometimes confusing society.

I had one of these societal experiences when my mother’s car had been stolen from a supermarket parking lot. Lucky for us, this was another time that our trust proved itself out because the phone rang one minute after we were talking about it. It was the police and they had found her car but she had to drive it back from near the Mexican border. Our garage was full when she got the car home that night so she parked it outside in front of our house until we could make room in the garage. The registration had expired and the next day when I went outside to get the mail, I saw and heard a lady Citizen on Patrol (COP) calling a tow truck over her radiophone. I ran up to her and said we had just gotten it back after it was stolen and asked her to not have it towed since we were cleaning out the garage to make room for it. I told her we wouldn’t have enough money to get it out once it was impounded. She refused and just gave me a dirty look, possibly due to what I said about our lack of finances. Undaunted, I ran in the house and got the keys and then came out and hopped in the car and started it. I drove it up our driveway and into the garage, hastily bumping stuff out of the way. My mom’s car wasn’t towed but she did get a ticket. Maybe I have a genetic predisposition that makes me jump into cars to rescue them.

We are all unique, whether we are single or married. Forget what others may think and say, no matter what you are going through. Give the grandparents time to get used to everything and then give them a call to see if they have recovered enough to visit. When you experience a feeling of rejection or being different, reward yourself with something nice and give yourself (and the kids) a little treat. You’ll be surprised at what can be accomplished when you break free of society’s condescending views and start living your own life, oblivious to their attitudes. This could be said about many groups of people these days fighting for freedom!

To sum it up, society needs a social shift in consciousness regarding the attitude it has toward single mothers!

Loving and Emotional Practice:

List or write about, or meditate, on the attributes you feel you have. For example, I write creatively; I am a good cook; I take good care of myself to keep attractive, etc. This practice will empower you to remember your value to yourself, to your family, and to society. It will also remind you that other people’s views of you are not what matters. It is your view of yourself that creates your life.

Loving and Emotional Affirmation:

I am a unique and valuable individual just as every other person is on this earth is. I am am worthy just because I exist.

This series is dedicated to all the beautiful and courageous women who have—in one way or another—ended up alone with a child or children.