The Silent War : A daughter's story

From the outside, he was my father—on the inside, he was my tormentor.

It all started long before my birth when my mother and father met and started dating. They dated for 2 years and when the topic of marriage came, my father refused. He was a playboy, all he wanted was women, lot and lots of women and a bachelor life. My mother wanted to marry him. With family pressure and stuffs, they got married. My mother was tortured physically and mentally in her in-laws house by my father, as she was not able to give dowry during the wedding.

My father was not at all loyal after the marriage. Everyone pressurized for a baby and so he did have me. I was born. He was happy that I came out to be a girl child. I don't understand why he was happy. The story is going to be dark and it will make you question my worth in his eyes !!

He was always busy with his own enjoyment and never gave adequate time to me or my mother after my birth. He did come home from office and then went out to hang out with his friends and you know....women. I never experienced fatherly love. There was a time when I was desperate for his love but I don't desire it anymore. I hate it ! But the thing is, I get jealous when I see how my female friends have a loving father and how sweet they are with each other.

He and my mother would fight often when I was a child. I would take my mother's side because it was obvious how cruel my father was and how he used to hit her in front of my eyes without her fault. All she used to ask for was loyalty and love, all she got was bruises. I still remember my father dragging my mother by her hair. I still remember how heartless he was when my mother was going to drink acid to commit suicide and all he did was watch. I was very young. All these events affected me so deeply that even today I feel the weight of carrying the pain. I still remember how he used to threaten me if I did not do the job he asked me to do. It was not a job that resulted in my good but something that would benefit him. He used to tell me that if I didn't take his side during the fights, he would stop paying for my survival. I had been constantly threatened by this for years now. Money is powerful, very powerful.

A father controlling his daughter with money, yes its me. I am his daughter ! He used to hit me just because I would dance if music was playing somewhere. He hated my happiness. He hated me. He would kick me out of the house, yes out of the house not just the room, just because I could not sleep at night and he lost the opportunity to have sex with my mother. He would blame me and hit me for that and my mother tried to protect me. Even if my mother did not consent to having sex, he would do it without her consent. Yes, force her !

I remember him shouting on me and saying awful things that a child should never hear from her father,. I remember him brainwashing me against my mother. I trusted him, I loved him more than me. He continued to break my trust, he broke me. I had a health issue when I was 11 years old, my periods would not stop for 60 days straight. I still continued my karate classes and school. But at the last 15 days, I could not carry on because of deadly cramps so I stopped. He kept shouting at me, blaming me for my condition. What was my fault ?! He always blamed me for anything wrong that happened in his life. I want to leave him forever and go away. I don't need his property or his money. When I'll be able to provide for myself and my mother, I will disappear from his life.

He had an affair with the maid of our house. He was obsessed with her. He made her daughter as his own. He even talked about paying for her studies and making her an IAS officer. If I tried to say something, he would fight with me for her. I felt illegitimate.

I still remember how he used to tell me if he uses condoms to have sex or not with someone. I remember him telling me horrible things about my mother, like he said that my mother was having a sexual relationship with her sibling. He would fill poison in my heart. None of his words were true. All he did was make me hate my mother until I realised who the real villain was. I still remember how he would pour all his anger on me just because I wanted to visit my mother's side of the family. Everyday was torture. I still recall, wishing for death in front of god. I wished that I would die and this torment would end. No man has ever made me cry like my father did.

Its been one year of tolerating this new thing he started....he badly touched me, tried to show his private part to me, tried to peak in my clothes, tried to talk awful things with me. I started hating him from then. There was this 2% feelings left for him and now there is a 100% hatred for him. I will not cry if he dies someday. I never had the love of a father. How could he ? How could he have such dirty intentions towards his daughter. He wished for a girl child, to do these ?

There are many people out there who wishes for a daughter and still feel hopeless. Why does god give daughters to the most undeserving people ?

I avoid him. I don't wish to talk to him or see him except for when I need money. Money is everything. I need it to survive. I cannot even escape this.

My friend told me to go away from my father when he starts to throw a tantrum. Where should I go ? He follows me in the house. I feel insecure. He banged the door twice in front of my face today. I was calm. I wanted to protest but something in me told me to be calm. And then now I am crying and crying.

I am bound by invisible chains, waiting for the day I can finally escape.