The shopping mall seat.

Dear mother, the driving force behind my youth was finding freedom. The walls were too cold and the sound bouncing around defened me. Perhaps it was my persective on how I wanted the world to look. Maybe I was blind to what you were doing because my stubboness built a wall around me. To say the bigger piture was i had walked out of the nest too fast would be the best words. My wings had only grown and my knolage of how to use them was none. So on the ground i was stuck, defenless agaist the war i was now in. Yes, the drugs the drinking, the overall madness. Each day it got worse and each evening when I should have asked for help I did not, i was drinking it down and swallowing any oppertunity to speak up.

So why now, why tell all this when its been ten years. I dont want you too feel sorry for me nor do i want you to appologise for anything. For the ten years, I have kept my secert life wrapped up in a blanket stuffed in the box I call a heart. This locked case holds a lot, the many nights sitting up in the empty car park starting out at the gliisring stars. With only tears keeping me company.

So, what made me so soft that each night I sobbed?

Well let me go back to the start when we were living togther, now if you're thinking I'm about to tell you about how I was harmed by another family member then yes that did occur but there's something else.

Back when I was young I had no real idea about why I would cut myself why I hated myself or any reason to say I hated myself. I had no idea what was happening around me. Not just I had put the cup on the sink or stacked the dishes. I mean within my beating heart and soul, knew what the world was about. I woke up got dressed and tried to find a way to make the day go by quickly. Sleep was the only thing I knew like the moon rising and the sun's departure. Living in this blured life had me jobless until i was 19 and even then I was like a zombie. I never thought beyond food going in my mouth and having a shower. Now, this is where it thickens up. Yeap the drugs came in and the bottles filled up the recycle bin in less than a day.

My bed was never empty of a man but my heart was cold from loving them. With each one we did the same thing get as high as we could, whist I ignored each one of your calls. I was busy being free and living what I thought was a good life, the kind of life I thought everyone lived.

How stupid was I, the flower may seem stunning but the position gets in your soul faster and takes away many years that I can not get back. I'm sorry I never called you, or that I sat under the stars alone when I could have helped you get through your divorce. I got a life I had asked for, but at the same time, it has led me to something beautiful. Watching you for the past decade has shown me how to really live a life. Thank you for flying back up to me when my world finally crashed down harming my children and waking me up to what I had done to myself. The mother bird's wings really are big enough for all, born under them.