The relationship between sex and love

The topic of "can sex and love be separated" was brought up, and it immediately sparked a heated discussion.

Person A: Rationally, I think it can be separated, but personally, I can't do it. Sex without love is meaningless to me.

Person B: But I think both sex and love are pure things that can bring happiness. It's great if they can be achieved simultaneously, but it's also okay if they are separate.

Person C: Your thinking is quite dangerous! I have a friend who used to have casual sex with others frequently. She told me later that she got tired of it after a while. She neither enjoyed it nor could she genuinely like someone anymore.

Everyone has their own point of view, which indirectly shows that the question of "can sex and love be separated" is not as simple as "can or cannot".

Does the experience of separating sex and love really exist? Is it possible that sex can exist independently, but love cannot be separated from sex? Why can some people accept and enjoy relationships of sex without love or love without sex, but others think they can't?

Which experience is better, separating sex and love or combining them?

With these questions in mind, I want to try to find some answers by looking at the "instincts" of sex and love from the physiological and psychological aspects of humans. This may help us to understand and recognize the reasons behind different sexual relationships more objectively, and provide more scientific guidance for us to pursue healthier and more suitable sexual experiences.

I. For the brain, sex and love may indeed be two different things

A study published in Neuroreport shows that the brain areas aroused by sexual impulses and love are not exactly the same (Bartels & Zeki, 2000).

Simply put, although romantic love and sexual stimulation can both affect the brain areas that control human attention and reward system (such as the middle insular cortex, anterior cingulate cortex, ventral striatum, etc.), this shows that love and sexual desire indeed attract people's attention and make people want to try.

However, the difference is that only love can activate the brain area responsible for imagination and future planning (dorsolateral cortex), and only sexual desire will activate the brain area responsible for dealing with fear and threat (amygdala).

In addition, studies by Acevedo et al. (2011) and Xu et al. (2010) found that the stronger people love, the more obvious the activation of the right caudate nucleus and ventral tegmental area related to "reward motivation" in the brain, while sexual desire does not activate these two areas. This also means that love and sexual desire are different at the experiential and neurobiological levels (Aron, 2006).

II. It is indeed possible for people not to have feelings of love for their sexual partners

According to evidence from multiple studies, people, both emotionally and rationally, may not develop feelings of love attachment to their sexual partners.

A survey of FWB relationships (friend with benefits, referring to having sexual relations with a trusted friend), which are most likely to "get carried away", shows that people usually do not communicate with their FWB about "defining this relationship", and actively cut off the possibility of moving towards romantic love with their sexual partners (Bisson, 2009).

The same study also used Sternberg's love triangle scale to measure participants, and the results further found that although people have a strong sense of intimacy with their FWB, they lack passion and commitment. And intimacy, passion, and commitment are the key factors that together constitute romantic love.

In younger groups who have had sexual behavior outsideof a romantic relationship, the proportion of people who have had sex with their ex-partners after breaking up is also quite high (Halpern-Meekin, 2012). This shows that even if the romantic relationship has ended, people may still maintain a sexual relationship with their ex-partners.

III. The separation of sex and love may be more common than we think

In fact, the separation of sex and love is not a new phenomenon. In many societies, it is common for people to have sexual relationships outside of marriage or romantic relationships. For example, in some African societies, it is common for men to have multiple wives, and it is also common for women to have sexual relationships with men other than their husbands (Smith, 2001).

In Western societies, the separation of sex and love is also becoming more and more common. For example, in the United States, the number of people who have had sex with someone they are not in a romantic relationship with has increased significantly in recent years (Regnerus, 2017).

In addition, the rise of online dating and hookup culture has also made it easier for people to have sexual relationships without emotional attachment. Many people use dating apps to find casual sex partners, and many people participate in hookup culture, where they have one-night stands or casual sex with people they meet at parties or bars.

IV. The separation of sex and love does not necessarily lead to negative consequences

Some people worry that the separation of sex and love will lead to negative consequences, such as emotional distress, regret, or a decrease in self-esteem. However, research shows that this is not necessarily the case.

A study by Vrangalova (2014) found that whether casual sex leads to negative consequences depends on the individual's personality and motivations. For people who are sociable, open-minded, and have positive motivations (such as wanting to have fun or explore their sexuality), casual sex does not lead to negative consequences. On the contrary, it can lead to positive outcomes, such as increased self-confidence and satisfaction with life.

Another study by Wentland (2011) found that people who have had casual sex are not necessarily less capable of forming committed relationships. In fact, people who have had casual sex are more likely to be in a committed relationship than those who have not.

In conclusion, whether sex and love can be separated is a complex issue that depends on many factors, including individual personality, cultural background, and personal beliefs. It's important to respect each individual's choices and experiences, and to promote a healthy and respectful attitude towards sex and love.