The Piece That Has Always Been Missing

~This took a lot of will-power and tears to write out in some areas. This story is based on current life events, and i hope everyone can understand and read it.

Since I took that DNA/genealogy test a few months ago in early December, it really made me wonder what I would find within my maternal side of the family. I already knew about my fathers side roots because of my brother. Yes, I am a hybrid, both of hispanic/indigenous background on my paternal side and multiple European roots on my maternal side. I am very proud of all my ancestral trees. To my surprise from the results given, for what I could afford about 3 generations back, give or take, from now all the way back to the 1800's, my great, great, great grandmother Sarah Midgely married a man who went by the name George Thomas Lowther. They both had many, many children in Durham, England and one child later in the United States. My great, great grandmother Florence Lowther was the third youngest of the eleven children. The results also stated that on April 23rd, 1864, Sarah Midgley gave birth to twins. Their names were Sarah Alice Lowther and Ann Lowther.

However, 2 weeks after Ann was born she departed from this earth, and in August of 1865 her twin sister Sarah Alice would follow. Many years later on December 21st, 1892, Florence Lowther would marry Thomas Wilson, and in the year 1893 they would have their first child, Thomas Wilson III, this man would be my great uncle Tommy. Mom has always spoken fondly about him, and that he was the sweetest man who ever graced the planet. Then their second child would be my great grandmother, Cora Elizabeth Wilson in 1895. In 1898 my great uncle George Dewey Wilson would be born and then four years later in 1902, great aunt Florence Sarah Wilson. In 1916, Cora Elizabeth Wilson would marry Joseph Marshall Sears. As I've been told by my mother who was told by Cora, aka, Cokie when she was still alive, both my great grandparents really tried their best for two years to conceive a child but one after another Cokie had terrible complications.

Although the miscarried children of great grandma Cokie were never documented, my mother did tell me there were times where Cokie did mention she miscarried twins months before Nana. It was very difficult for her to even talk about. I overheard this years before when I was spending a few nights at my Nana's house while my mother was getting a medical procedure done. I think she thought I was asleep but I was listening to every word of the conversation that she was having with her friend, John Igo. Nana was told by Cokie's sister one summer when she was very young. Cokie did not want her to find out about the many miscarriages until she was a little bit older, but what was said, was said. As Nana chatted with Mr. Igo, she mentioned that she knew she was a miracle child, and that God worked in mysterious ways. She wasn't wrong.

Getting back to my maternal family's roots, on February 26th 1918, the Divine blessed my great grandparents with Florence Sears who would later marry Carl Varney Lieb thus having three kids. One of which is my mother, Jo Beth Lieb. Also, the DNA results from my test confirmed that I am a twin. In a lot of ways I already knew this deep down. I have always wondered why I have had this massive piece of me missing. That, and the supernatural experiences that occurred in my younger years and still occur from time to time, but i'll explain that later. All my life I've always had difficulties trying to piece together this puzzle. It's hard to do when a good chunk is missing. I remember one particular autumn in 2006 that I had spent the last several days on the couch depressed. I was later told by one of my shaman friends that I was going through a spiritual journey and that my body and mind were not handling it well. I remember mom came out from the studio, sat in her recliner beside me and started to talk in hopes to help. One story led to another and then she told me what happened in her first trimester of her second pregnancy. I know she was trying to help in any way that she could because of my emptiness that I was trying so hard to recuperate from. I guess the week before she eavesdropped on my conversation with my therapist. I think listening to private conversations runs in the family, I know it wasn't on the DNA/genealogy results but I definitely think it's a family trait.

I know only the females can carry the twin gene, because only females can ovulate so it makes sense. As my mother explained to me that before she married my father, back when they were still dating and having frequent intercourse, that early spring my dad broke my moms heart and my mother went to her ex’s house for his birthday. I guess one thing led after another and mom was in David Hollinsworth's bed. My mom had no worries about having sex with her ex. Due to a massive fever he had when he was young that left him sterile, plus mom was on birth control too. However, the people at the DNA place would tell me otherwise. What I believe took so long, plus another re-swab and blood test, my results came back that my twin was of another father who was of Caucasian ethnicity. What the specialist had said to me over the phone, I was just in shock. She said, "Heteropaternal Superfecundation is rare in humans but it does happen." I couldn't even say those words, so I had her spell it out for me to write out. It's amazing how far we have come with technology and medicine in the last couple of decades. Just by a cotton swab and small vial of blood these DNA/genealogy detectives could trace back generations of my maternal side as well as me being a rare type of twin. Wowzers!

Let me get back to the story. As my mother told this memory of hers, she said, “I didn't know I was even pregnant, and in that first month I had the worst constipation I'd ever had in my life.” That's saying something because severe IBS runs in our family heavily, no pun intended. When mom finally got relief, the toilet was just stained in red. It looked like someone was murdered in and all over the bowl. Mom started freaking out at the sight of it all, especially what was in the toilet. Mom had to act quickly because my father was in the other room close by. So, she grabbed a medium sized jar, some gloves and transported the specimen to the container. With lots of foil, Ziplock bags and a paper sack that was marked in black sharpie that read, ‘Do Not Touch; Moms Specimen for Doctors,’ she stored it in secret. That day she called her PCP with the UT hospital to set up an appointment as soon as possible, however that would be about a month later. In the meantime, mom stuck the item in the back of the freezer until she met with her primary care provider. When mom got to her appointment with the paper sack in hand, the doctors took an extra 15 minutes to examine the specimen. They also took blood tests from her that left a good size hematoma. The UT hospital system was not as specialized in phlebotomy as well as professionalism in other departments as they are now. Trust me, I've heard and experienced a lifetime of horror stories.

As the nurse said to my mom that day, “Ms. Lieb the doctors said that was a miscarriage but ....Congratulations, you're pregnant.” My mother said in confusion, “that can't be, I'm on birth control.” The nurse flipped through her clipboard and said with a panicked smile, “One moment, I'll go talk to the doctor.” In no time at all, her physician came back and explained to mom that since she was on a specific antibiotic that they prescribed, as well as her birth control, the antibiotics canceled out the birth control. Definitely an Oops caused by the UT health system, but mom always wanted a second child anyways. However, she wondered how her family would take it. Some parts of my mothers side were in absolute glee but not all were joyous for my mothers big surprise. I could name a few but I rather not, but in multiple ways it makes sense why I have had this missing piece of myself and the weighing guilt on my soul. Also why some people have sensed a jealous-like energy that sometimes covers my kind-heart, lighted aura.

You see, even though my twin is long since dead, we both still have a strong spiritual connection with each other. I've tried my best to talk with her but I guess after 33 years she still holds that same grudge every now and then against me because I got to live and she didn't. I remember when I was four years old I used to play with an imaginary friend who looked just like me except she had blonde hair and blue eyes. I have very fond memories of playing hide and go seek and chasing this girl whose name was Jessie. All around our old house at the West Elsemere residence we played games from sunrise to sunset. Mom asked me a couple of times who I was playing with and I replied, “I'm playing with my sister.” I guess my mom assumed Jennifer had made up a new game for me to play. Later that weekend, the weather had gotten bad, it had been raining for a long time and it was finally lighting up. Mom had just made me a healthy PB&J sandwich with goldfish crackers on the side. I remember this very fondly. My sister grabbed her Big Red soda out of our fridge with the leftover junk food that I wasn't supposed to touch.

All of us sat down and said our family prayer. Afterwards Mom thanked Jennifer for taking time to come up with a game to play with me. My older sister said in confusion, “Mom, what are you talking about? I didn’t come up with any game to play with Juli.” I interrupted them by saying with a full mouth of goldfish crackers, “Mommy, no! It's my sister! You know, the one that looks like me?” I think at that time, in the back of our moms head, she was a little worried but mainly I think she felt sorry that I didn't have a sibling my age to play with. On a different level I did have someone to play with but I am still very grateful my mom did tell me about the msicarriage though. I am also grateful for the DNA confirmed results too. Putting together this life-long puzzle has been helping me understand and cope with my departed twin.

It’s hard to explain to those who don't understand what these feelings are like and have been for me. Some people do understand and can relate, but couple folks think otherwise, but that's okay. Some individuals just don't understand another soul's life journey. Some have an easier path, others don't. I'm just grateful for the individuals who actually understand, and are kind about it. I am truly blessed by those who continue to grace me with their beautiful presence and stay by my side on this long and difficult road. This year I really want to continue digging through the shadows to see what I can do to let go of my twin so we both can be at peace with each other. Plus, I've been trying different meditations that have helped me come to the conclusion that it was a good thing my mother didn't have twins. Mom and I had a good talk about this a few days ago, and she explained in great detail why there was no way she could have taken care of both of us and my older sister too.

All my life I have heard this quote, in different words and from many different people on different paths, but still nonetheless, it is still very much the truth. “The Divine works in mysterious ways. None of us can question what they have planned. We just gotta trust the hands who have written our life journey, have a little faith and enjoy the ride." For a lot of people, not just myself, survivors' guilt of any kind is tremendously hard. Not only is it on the body but it weighs on both the mind and soul too. Hopefully someday I will grow past that, and maybe around that same time my twin will let go of her jealousy. I know she resents me but I still and will always love her. For the now, I want to continue to blossom and heal. In this way, I can be a better and stronger person. Not just for me, but also for my loved ones, both in this world and the next.