The passing of my godfather has led me to think about life and death.

Hello everyone, I'm Nana.

For those of you who know me, you must know that I am not that close to my dad and I am not what he would call a sweetheart.

Growing up, he didn't love me much either, probably because I was a girl.

I tried to escape from my family of origin, and when I enrolled in university, I ran away to university in Gansu, more than 1,300 kilometkilometersrom home, and did not go home during the summer and winter holidays or on New Year's Eve unless it was necessary.

When it came time to graduate and look for a job, I brought a quilt and a big suitcase to Beijing and willingly became a drifter in the north.

It was a bit of a hardship, but it was a self-sustaining life.

I didn't usually like getting phone calls from my dad, because he would always call me with the word "money", 50% of the time asking me to buy him a ticket, and the other 50% asking for money to fill all kinds of holes.

But I have noticed that since I got married, my dad's calls have been much less frequent.

Counting down, it seems like he hasn't asked me, his daughter, for money again for over a year, and it also seems like I haven't initiated a phone call with my dad in over a year.

My relationship with my father is somewhat screwed up, with resentment and rejection.

01

When I got married

My father only gave me $666 as dowry

The main reason why I haven't spoken to my father on the phone in the past year is that when I got married, my father's approach was a bit chilling for me as a daughter, and even now, I still hold a grudge.

The wedding day gifts that I needed to prepare were all purchased online, including wedding bowls, wedding pots, wedding quilts, and, everything else that I needed.

The first is to consider that parents have to go all the way to Shandong, these things are not convenient, the second is that they have a job that can earn money, and also do not want to give parents some additional financial burden, so when my mother asked me what I want for the wedding, I said nothing need.

My mother said that her daughter couldn't get married without anything, so she had to make me a silk quilt, using the best silk and the best quilt top, and spent 1000 yuan to prepare a wedding quilt for me.

I spent 1000 yuan on a wedding quilt for myself. My father, on the other hand, never mentioned anything for me to accompany the wedding.

When I told my dad that he needed to deliver my hand to Li Haha during the wedding process, he said he didn't have a decent suit or outfit for the wedding.

So I transferred another $3,000 to Dad for the clothes. He bought new clothes, new shoes, and got a perm, and at the end of the day, he didn't forget to tell me that he had advanced several hundred dollars himself.

Finally, the day before I bought tickets for my family and stayed in a hotel, the day before the wedding was to be held, my mother asked my dad how much red packet he wanted to give to his daughter, and my dad said carelessly that Nana had prepared it all herself, so I didn't have to give it.

I was honestly confused when I heard this, I didn't think my dad would even want to skip the red envelope for my wedding day as if he was attending someone else's wedding and it was none of his business.

I couldn't help myself, I argued with my dad and said, "I'll prepare the red packet for myself and give it to myself on the wedding day, so my dad didn't pay a cent for my wedding.

The first thing you need to do is to get a good idea of what you are getting into.

I was not happy with the amount of money my father gave me, but I had no control over my finances, so my mother took out the gold and silver jewelry she had saved up over the years and wanted to treat them as treasures for my wedding, but I refused.

I would accept a red packet of 666 yuan, it's just that a 0 budget for me, my daughter, is still far more than I expected.

I didn't feel much without the comparison, but after the comparison, the feeling of heart wah-wah wrapped tightly around my whole body.

02

I grew up as a second child whose father didn't love me

The subjects of this comparison are my brother and my own younger brother.

My memories of my father's preference for my brother are more likely to be from my childhood.

For children, it was a rare opportunity to quench their thirst for ice-cold gourds and fried sugar cakes, which were too much of a luxury for me as a child, and I would be happy to eat them all day.

Whenever I wanted to go to the market on my dad's "very stylish" motorbike, he would promise me a good deal upfront and then, before he left, give me a penny to buy sweets from the kiosk. When I came back, my dad had already left with my brother.

As far as I can remember, I didn't even get to ride on the back of the motorbike that I was so keen to ride, it was my brother's only seat.

When they came back from the market, they brought the meat, eggs, and other goodies they had bought straight to my grandmother's house, and only after they had eaten and drunk them did I know from my brother's mouth what they had bought today and how good they were. Don't look at me then, but I could feel very deeply that my dad didn't like me.

I had asked my dad once before why he never took me out to play or eat good food. My dad's answer was as hurtful as it could be.

He said that I was a girl and not so good-looking, so it was not suitable for me to go out in public, and he also accused me of being a girl who eats so much.

I didn't know that all I wanted was to be able to go to the market with my father.

My father's preference for my brother was mainly after I had the financial means to do so.

As I said before, not long after I graduated, my dad asked me to give him 30,000 yuan to get married, otherwise, my brother would not be able to get married.

I gave my dad almost all the savings I had on me at the time, and what my dad claimed to have borrowed was a blank cheque to me, knowing full well that he would not pay it back.

As an older sister, my brother's wedding was a time when he needed money, and the $30,000 was a token of my appreciation, so I didn't feel that I was losing out.

What I didn't understand was that when I was getting married, my dad wanted to use my dowry money as a direct down payment for my brother's house, which I didn't accept.

I discussed with Li Haha in advance before my wedding, according to our custom, the betrothal gift of 100,000 yuan, and another gift of 68,888 yuan before the wedding, plus some gifts.

The 100,000 yuan for the engagement, Mom insisted on confiscating, saying that Li Haha and I had just bought a house, and it was more difficult to keep it for us to spend.

Then accordingly, I negotiated with Lihaha that if that was the case, then the remaining 68,888 would be left for my parents to spend on their daily expenses, and would not have to be given to us again as a dowry.

But before I could say this, my dad had already made up his mind to give all the money to my brother for the down payment on the house.

I was dumbfounded when I heard that I was paying for my brother's wedding, and I was paying for my brother's house, not counting the additional 100,000 yuan my brother borrowed from me directly.

After the comparison, I always felt that I might not be a part of the family and could not feel the slightest bit of love from a father to his daughter, I only had the right to contribute money but not the right to reap love.

Although I didn't argue with my dad openly, I secretly resolved that after I got married, I must cut off this "blood transfusion" function, so as not to be the family's cash cow, and that the necessary demarcation line must be made clear to my dad.

After I got married, I wasn't alone anymore, I had my own little family, and my dad couldn't just borrow or ask me for money anymore.

Miraculously, after that, my dad rarely asked me for money, I rarely called him, and I only sent him messages and red packets on New Year's Day.

On Father's Day this year, I sent my dad 500 yuan and wished him a happy Father's Day. My dad replied to me with emotion, saying that it was better to have a daughter and that a daughter was the best thing for a father.

It turned out to be Father's Day, and neither my brother nor my brother had anything to say.

Accordingly, on my 30th birthday, Dad gave me a call. This time it wasn't to ask me for money but to transfer me 300 yuan to go out for a nice meal.

I was still very touched, thinking that my dad had taken the initiative to send me a red packet and wish me a happy birthday, finally starting to pay attention to me as a long-neglected daughter, not about the amount, just full of warmth.

However, before this warmth could flow all over my body, my dad complained to me that he had no money recently and that's why he transferred 300 yuan to me, that it was hard to do the work, and that he had just saved 20,000 yuan to give his brother a down payment for a car he bought not long ago.

When I heard this, I laughed bitterly and said what I wanted to say a long time ago, with a semi-self-deprecating tone of voice to my dad: "My daughter can only squeeze out more than 600 yuan for her wedding, my son is getting married and buying a house and a car, no money has become money."

Maybe my dad didn't expect me to say that, so he was at a loss for words on the other side of the phone.

I said indifferently, "Hang up.

03

The sudden death of my godfather

It put me in the middle of thinking about life and death

The impasse was broken by the sudden death of my godfather, a very close family member of mine. When I heard the sad news, I was dumbfounded and sat dumbly on the sofa for half a day.

He was my father's childhood friend and was very close to my father, and liked to drink and play games together.

The reason why I was so affectionate towards Q's Dad was that he was good to me, even better than my dad.

When I was in junior high school, my dad left me at a boarding school in my hometown. On weekends, all my other classmates went home, but I had no place to go, so Q's dad called me to come back to his house.

His family had three sons and no daughters, so Q's parents loved me as their goddaughter.

They ran a restaurant in the village and every weekend when I came home, I ate well. When it was time to go to school in the county, Q's dad would also bring me lots of dry food in big bags.

I can say that Q's family gave me a lot of warmth and care during those times, and I am truly grateful for the care they gave me.

So when I heard the news that Q's father had passed away, I felt like I was struck by an electric shock and couldn't get over it for a long time.

When Q's son asked me for my dad's phone number and needed to tell him about it, I was confused again because I hadn't spoken to him for so long that I didn't know which one was my dad's phone number.

It was at this time that I realized that I hadn't had a phone call with my dad for almost a year.

▲I didn't even know which phone number to reach my dad

The son of Q's father later said that Q's father died from drinking because he had consumed too much alcohol over the years and had developed cirrhosis of the liver, as well as an alcohol addiction.

The most outrageous thing I remember is that one year, during the Chinese New Year, Q's father drank so much that he was hanging from a bottle in one hand, while the other hand was still guessing with others at the drinking table.

The family tried their best to persuade him, but to little avail, until this death, which was particularly sudden.

While I was sad and upset, I thought of my dad who usually loved to drink so much, and when he was young, he always said that he couldn't live without anything but wine, and when he ate, he had to drink.

At that time, I was really afraid of losing him, so I hurriedly sent a message to my dad, firstly to inform him of the news of my dad Q's death, and secondly to hope that he would learn from the lessons of my dad Q and restrain himself from drinking so much because drinking can kill you.

However the message was sent for a long time and my dad never replied to me, I guess he must have been scared because this Q's dad is 2 years younger than my dad, my dad is 55, and Q's dad is 53.

▲ My dad never got back to me, which made me anxious

I couldn't get through on the phone, and I somehow felt so anxious, but I couldn't go to Tianjin to look for him because of the epidemic. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get a job. It's getting cold, you have to take care of yourself in Beijing."

When I saw his words, my heart finally dropped, and it was good to know that he was okay.

At that moment, what appeared before my eyes was not an image of a father who did not love me, but an image of an old father with a lot of grey hair and thick calluses on his hands that had accumulated from years of working.

All the things I had ignored before suddenly came back to me.

When I went to university and graduate school, my father put down his old face and borrowed money from various relatives and friends, scraping together money to pay for my tuition.

When I occasionally went back to Tianjin to see him, my dad would buy me my favorite ice cream, which was delicious.

Even when I was in primary school, I was detained by my teacher for not finishing my homework, and it was my dad who delivered the food in the rain.

He was carrying an umbrella and an insulated lunch box, with rice on the bottom and his scrambled eggs with green peppers on the top, plus some hot soup.

Also, I told my dad that after I got married, I was not allowed to ask for money anymore, because I had my own family now and the money didn't belong to me alone.

My dad listened to me and agreed, saying that it wasn't easy for me to live in Beijing. So since I got married last year, Dad hasn't asked me for money once.

I'm thinking that maybe it's not that he doesn't love me, it's just that I've always been jealous of my dad's love for my brother and younger brother and habitually ignore the love he shares with me as his daughter.

I remember this line from the TV series "It's All Good": Those hurts that you have received, you can either not forgive or choose to let go.

It was at that moment that I didn't seem to complain so much about my dad's eccentricity.

I now can accept his imperfections as a father. Because apart from life and death, everything is trivial and nothing is too much to pass up.

And it never occurred to me before that my dad would leave me one day, I always thought he was still young and had many years left for me to sulk with him.

It didn't matter if I called or not, if I went home for the holidays or not, or if I asked for greetings or not.

But it was not until the sudden death of Q's father that I had to rethink the sensitive issue of "life and death". I also realized that as children, we have to start experiencing these things one after another when we are in our 30s, and there will be loved ones who will leave us.

Although we all have an end in sight, before it comes, I should be more concerned about how to cherish the people around me and how to make life better for my dad.

I don't want to push him further and further away, for fear that one day I will be so far away from him that I will never see him again.

Summary

In the film "Life's Big Things", Zhu Yilong's father says, "Life is like a book, everyone has to turn to the last page, some are periods, some are ellipses. Except for death, there is no big event.

Nowadays, I seem to be a lot stronger and more tolerant than before, instead of wallowing in a single-minded grudge against my dad for being biased, instead of arguing with him in a cold war, I would rather give him a call now and then to say hello.

Although I