The other one

You said I don't understand. You said I will never get it. But I do. Life got hard. Really awful. We both lost our dad on Christmas Day from a heart attack. Mama checked out. I do get it. But, you choose drugs, and the drugs chose you.

You said I don't support you, but I have any so many ways. I've helped you raise your precious kids. I've given you money in the beginning when I still trusted your words. I helped you get a car to get to work. I helped you plan and throw birthdays for your kids to distract them from their high parents. I've invited you on my family vacations full expenses paid. I've taken you on elaborate girls days to celebrate you being sober. I call, I text, I stay in contact. But, you choose the drugs and the drugs choose you.

You and I are more alike than you think. I trust too easily. I love too hard. I make mistakes. But, mine or my mistakes. Yours have become ours. Our families. Every thing you do affects us.

You said you wouldn't do it again. You swore on your kids lives. You said you wouldn't go back. But, you did. Over and over again, you choose the drugs and the drugs choose you. You just celebrated the longest length of time being sober since you fell into the evil drug trap at a young 14. I was so proud of you. I took you out. We laughed so hard that day. By standers asked, "are you girls high as we passed on the street, and you exclaimed, "high on life Mr!" We had good talks that day. You promised. I treated you to a massage and lunch and shopping. It was one of my favorite days with you because I was so proud to have you back. So many of these don't exist enough anymore because you keep choosing the drugs, and the drugs chose you.

You said you couldn't do it, go back to your old ways. But, you just lie to get your way. You think you've fooled us all, but you are only fooling yourself. We pray every day. I encourage you to get help, and you say I will but I can't leave my kids. But, what happens when you choose the drugs, and the drugs choose you?

My heart has been heavy for many years. It has taken its tole on our family. My encouragement has turned to hate. My disappointment has turned to anger. My love has turned to emptiness. I don't believe you anymore. You keep digging your own grave as I continue to get pulled in with you just because somewhere deep I have hope for you. A grain of salt still keeps me holding on that you will choose life. They say a mustard seed of faith can change you. I pray that is the case. I haven't much more left. But, you choose the drugs and the drugs choose you.

I was so excited to finally have a girls day again just a short few months after celebrating your 9 months sobriety. You said you were just sick but you will try to come anyways. You snuck away to rest as we paint in my dining room. We searched all over my house as time has passed. Why did you go off alone? Was it something we did? What was your trigger this day? Why did you buy the drugs? Why did you let the devil creep in? So many times you promised you would tell me if you felt the need. I told you I would talk you off the ledge, but you didn't call. You didn't speak up. You just did it. Now mama finds you. I can hear the anguish as she calls for me. I knew, you chose the drugs, and the drugs chose you.

I can't breathe. I can't see straight. I'm hyperventilating. "WHY"?!!! I scream out! "Why did you do this? OMG! WHY?!!! You promised. Please wake up, WAKE UP for your children! WAKE UP DAMNIT!" Pump, pump, pump your chest goes. My friend and I start CPR. "COME ON!" I beg. You're turning blue, and starting to swell up I think in my head. OMG, this is just like losing daddy. WHY would you do this to us?!!! Pump, pump, pump I go, I can't stop! I need her heart to wake up. "Please come back!" I begged. I can't breathe. Please someone help her. The EMT arrive and inject you with life saving drugs. You died but they revived you. Are you going to choose the drugs, or will the drugs choose you?