The Music Room

He was my superman and the first man that I ever loved. He showed me how to be loved and what love was. He was kind yet stern. He was the calm after the storms of life. He was always there and available to listen and counsel. The man of many talents with great intelligence that he not only shared with me but with countless others. He was wise yet grounded. He was love, light and a life well lived. He was special in his approach to people which made him a great professor. He had a way with his words that made you think things through. He was patient but would be sure to let it be known when he was at his limit. He was my daddy and I miss him.

Those were the sentiments that Angel shared at the memorial celebration of her father almost a month prior. Those were the words that continually gave her strength to keep on keeping on. The last month had been some of the most emotionally driven days of her 33 years. Her father had succumb to the same cancer that had taken her mother 20 years prior and now they were both gone. Angel had always been grateful to have her father and he was all things for her and to her, however she always missed mother and that yearning was ongoing.

There she stood, taking deep breath after deep breath in the foyer of the house that was filled with so many memories. The home that was built upon a 22 month dream of her parents. She remembered hearing them tell her stories about saving for the down payment. Her father took on additional classes/lectures and tutoring at the university and mom picked up extra shifts at the hospital as she completed her clinical training. They both worked really hard and sacrificed for this home. It had been the family home and now it would be Angel’s forever home.

Her father had lived in this house for over 35 years and now he was no longer living. It was still rather overwhelming to reflect upon the home that had always been filled with such life. Over the last few weeks there had been nonstop traffic and music flowing through paying homage to the man that had always made family his priority. It was special how he maintained such a bond with her mother’s sisters. At one point or another all 5 of them had lived at the home. The unions were effortless. Every holiday shared in the kitchen with music blaring which never seemed to be louder than any of the off pitch singing and every Christmas Eve in the living room in front of the fireplace with family, friends and every stray college student from the university that Daddy had heard couldn’t make it home for the holiday. He always invited them over to take part in the annual music trivia competition. The grand steps that currently stood before her which he affectionately referred to as the keys of life because they were painted to look like piano keys going up aligned with pictures of their family tree. The steps were the last project that she and her father had done together before Angel went away to college to honor her mother. Stevie Wonder’s Songs in the Key of Life was her favorite so the steps were their tribute to her and a project they did together while listening to Stevie.

Every memory warmed her and made her feel more and more at home. The home that had always been filled with music. The home that carried the soundtrack to her life. As Angel continued to scan the house, she realized that the only room she hadn’t been able to step in had been his music room. The music room was the final room and reserved for her time. This room symbolized his soul. He put such care for detail into designing this room just for him to think, study, reflect and feel the music. It was his place of peace and solace. The room was rather grand with velvet backed mahogany shelves housing his infamous record collection. She smiled at the thought of her father installing his built in masterpiece as he called it. He was so excited that the measurements were the perfect width and length for all of his records and the sound system was going to make the room hum. He had a special affection for records and his collection included John Coltrane, Miles Davis, Billie Holiday, Sam Cooke, Bill Withers as well as James Brown, Etta James, Aretha Franklin and of course Stevie Wonder. All carefully organized and sectioned by decade.

Angel kicked her shoes off at the door and made her way to his desk. She ran her hand across the shelves admiring the music pausing right in front of the record player. She noticed that there was a dusty record with the needle still attached. She carefully lifted the needle and dusted the record off so she could read the title. It was Stevie Wonder’s Music of My Mind which was the first record Daddy played for her when the room was completed. The thought of it being last record he played brought tears to her eyes as she gave it a spin. Daddy use to tell her, “Music was life’s story told from different perspectives for interpretation and that is why great music made people feel,” and “there was nothing like the sound of music on vinyl. It was to be respected and appreciated”. She laughed to herself as she sat at his desk and closed her eyes taking a slow deep breath taking in the melody. It was in that moment that all of her emotions crashed and the realization that he would never be able to appreciate this room again broke her heart yet knowing that she would always have a piece of him began to calm her. As Love Having You Around played, she began to feel his presence. It was soothing and comforting. She hadn’t experienced this kind of calm in months.

Angel sat at the desk perusing the many pictures and accolades. He was so celebrated and adored. The meticulously tidy desk had a file drawer on the left with neatly labeled tabs and double drawers on the right side. The top drawer was full of get well cards and the bottom drawer had a large sealed manila envelope with her name on it. She sat staring at the open drawer with the envelope long enough for the next song to start playing which was I Love Every Little Thing About You. She slowly picked up the envelope and opened it while cautiously taking deep breath after deeper breath. Inside were newspaper clippings of articles written by Angel along with never seen before pictures of her throughout the years and a little black book. The little black book was sealed with an elastic closure with Love Always engraved on lower right hand corner. Angel took another deep breath and opened the book and the first page made her smile as she rubbed her fingers across his handwriting on the In Case of Loss Page which read Angel Lee and the home address.

She turned the page with Daddy’s handwriting which read:

My Sweet Little Angel,

I love you and loved you before you were even born. Your mom and I wanted a child so deeply. We planned for your existence. We were so elated to be your parents and you were created just for us through our love. You’re my wildest dreams realized and my heart in human form. That’s my love for you always and forever and then some more. I hope you felt loved every day of your life even through those teenage years after. Those were rough times and losing your mother right after your 13th birthday was devastating for all us. I tried to be patient with you figuring the new normal and while trying to grieve. Those were the days that I would sit in this room and talk to your mother with the music super loud so no one could hear me feel. I missed her every day. She was my Superwoman. I needed her. I wished for her guidance and then came one of her sisters to save the day. I so appreciated them.

You were so opinionated and outspoken. I had a time with that but it became one of your most endearing attributes once you used it as a gift. I love how you have the power to eloquently speak your mind and how you always want your thoughts to be understood. You’re like your mother in that aspect. Thank goodness you got her kindness. She gave you all of the good stuff. She would be so proud of the woman that you have become. When she died, all I ever wanted to do was try to ease that void the best I could while still managing to exist without her. She was the love of my life that gave me an extension of her through you.

Sweet Angel, you made life worth living. You made me so proud and have accomplished so much. There are no limits to what you can and will do. I have celebrated you every step of the journey. From watching you walk to me the very first time to seeing you walk across the stage receiving your Masters’ degree. Your entire being fills me with great pride. Thank you for loving and caring. Thank you for toughing it out with your old man. Thank you for making your daddy proud always. Daddy’s girl you will always be. I want you to know that I will always be celebrating you. I want you to know that daddy loves you on days that I will not be able to tell you and know that you are never alone as long as your heart beats.

When I first got sick, I didn’t know how long I would be able to fight. I knew that I needed to try as long as I could and you were on the forefront of many of those days of struggle. I knew one day I would be too tired and I knew that I needed to give you something that would give you some peace and comfort. I wanted to answer any questions that you had about any and everything. So here is this little black book full of stories of my mind. In this book you will be able to read about how I met your mother, our first dance, our first argument (yeah, we fought but our love was worth fighting for), the day she was diagnosed with cancer, life throughout the treatment and the day she died all while trying to be present for you. There were so many days that I fell short but I promise that I did the best that I could.

Lastly, in my files, you will find all the house information, pension endowments and all the policies. There should be enough money to keep the house intact. Daddy has you all taken care of Sweet Angel. In the back pocket of this book there is a card and bank info for you. I started an account for with some money that your mother left for you and I added a little more to it to make it an even $20,000. It is yours and you are free to do whatever you would like. My only desire is that you would honor yourself with it and live your life to the fullest. Travel, find inspiration wherever you can and publish your book. There is no excuse. You now have time and resources.

I love every little thing about and know sweet little girl that you made daddy happier than the morning sun.

Forever and Ever,

Daddy