The Loss Of Your Mother

This one is going to be the hardest to write. My mother passed away in 2011. When she died, my mother had temporary custody of my kids. my mom's name is Tami, I miss her so much. I think about her all of the time. When my mom died, I started hating mother's day and Christmas, and Halloween. Those were her favorite holidays, and it's hard for me to enjoy them without her.

So this is how it went.

My mom married a guy named Rob. I never like him much at all. When they first got together, life was good. He made the whole family happy. But after a while, things started to change. He tried to control my mom, and I was not going to let that happen. I would always have something to say. I am the type of person that doesn't know how to keep my mouth shut. When I had something to say, I said it. And I would say it the way I thought it. I wouldn't think before I spoke or hold anything back.

My mom always told me that she wished she was more like me. Because I didn't put up with the dumb stuff. I had a good head on my shoulders when I was younger. Then the only reason for that was, I had to grow up fast. My mom was not always there for my brother or me. She was more worried about her boyfriends. I never liked that about her. I wanted her to put us first sometimes. I always thought if that were to happen, maybe things would have been different.

Maybe she would still be alive today. I will never know. I know my mom is not here today to watch my kids grow up or be here when I need her the most. I regret everything that had ever happened between my mom and me. To this day, I wish I could change some things. But I can't because she was taken from me too early.

So as you know, my mother and I didn't always get along. But I never stopped loving her or caring about her. I would always make sure she was ok no matter what. I mean, every mother and daughter don't ever get along at all times. What mother and child do? My little brother never left my mom's side. He would probably still be living with her today if she was still alive. I believe with no dought that my mother was killed.

The day I got the phone call saying my mother was dead. I could not wrap my head around it. I didn't believe it at all. I was not allowed to go see my mom, even though she had temporary custody of my kids at that time. I was not allowed there at all. Her husband rob said I tried to steal from my mom. I was so mad when I heard that. Because I never stole anything from my mom when she was alive or at all ever.

The day I got "the" phone call, I told rob he was lying. Then I asked where my kids were? He tells me they are outside playing. I had nothing else to say to him, so I hung up and called my grandmother. She was 2 1/2 hours away down at her farmhouse. I called her, and she didn't believe it either. I don't remember much of that conversation at all. I do remember her saying that she was getting in the car and heading back home to pick me so we can go out to my mom's house. Before my grandma hung the phone up, she said she was calling my aunt robbin to sit with me until she got there.

I swear my grandma arrived at her house in Ravenna faster than she ever has before. It was like they did 100mph the whole way. My grandma and her boyfriend got to the house before my aunt robbin, and my aunt was closer to me than grandma was. But as soon as grandma pulled into the driveway, I was already ready, waiting for anyone to pull in so I could jump in the car and we could leave. I wanted to head to my mom's house as soon as they pulled into the driveway. I didn't want to wait for anything. I tried to get to my mom's before the police took her to the morgue.

As soon as my grandma pulled in, I jumped into the vehicle, and we left for my mom's house. My grandma's boyfriend randy was driving, and I remember thinking that we were moving too slow. I wanted so badly to say speed up. We could not get there any faster than we did. as soon as we pulled up, I jumped out of the car, and the ambulance people were just about to put my mom into the back of the ambulance. I went running to her dead body, screaming, wait, I want to see her.

I don't know if that's what I should have done, but I did. But as I got closer to my mom, the cops stopped me and would not let me any closer to her. They said it was to preserve the evidence. I didn't think anything of that at the time. I turned around and went into the house. Straight to my mom's room. I sat on her side of the bed, and I lay down. All I could do was cry as I lay there. I was looking at all the things she had on her side of the bed: her medication and clothes. I lay there for a long time till I heard someone asking where I was.

But while I was lying there, I saw her medication, and I started looking through it. At that time, I was still using drugs, so all I thought was, what can I take now. But I didn't take anything, but as I looked through them, I wondered why the police did not take all her medication with them for evidence. They didn't take anything they should have for evidence. So much for the Windham police. I feel like they did not do their job at all. They missed all kinds of stuff. Like they didn't even care at all. They had their minds made up before they carried her out of the house.

I really don't like the small town of Windham. It's too small for one thing. And they don't do their job well enough just because it's a small town and they feel as if they shouldn't have to do much work ever. I have a resentment toured the police in Windham, Ohio. I put some of the blame on them for my mom passing away and the person getting away with it. It was like they didn't even try at all.

After my mom passed away, I got into drugs and a whole lot of them too. But I have told you that whole story already. so we are moving on. I lived in Windham after my mom passed away. I got an apartment on the other side of the town, in what is called the projects. I lived there for about 2 years. But while I was living there, I got a phone call from the police, and they wanted me to come to the police station.

I thought I was in trouble. But I went to the police station anyway. I waited in the waiting room, which only consisted of 2 chairs and a small box. The dispatch lady behind a window. It was a small town, and you have to imagine it's a small police station too. They only had 2 police officers that work there. As I'm waiting, I'm trying not to cry. Because somehow I knew this was going to be about my mom. They let me sit there and wait for almost 20 min, and those 20min felt like a whole hour to me.

They finally called me back into a room with no windows and only two chairs and a table in the room. It took another 5 min for a police officer to come in and talk to me. But as soon as he comes into the room, he said I want to inform you that this is about your mother. He told me that they did an autopsy on her, and they didn't find any foul play. But she had 3 medications in her system that were not her own medication. And there was an unidentified green substance in her stomach that they could not tell what it was.

I asked them to tell me how they found her in what state she was. They told me that when they got to the scene and into the room that she was lying on her back and had thrown up coming out her mouth and all over her. The police told me that they asked rob what happened, and he said the kids come into the room like they did every morning to come to wake her up. Rob said that the kids could not wake her up, so they came and woke me up. He said he rolled over to wake my mother up and seen she had thrown up all over herself and her face was blue. He said he jumped on top of her and started doing CPR.

I stopped the police right in the middle of his sentence. I said, so my kids were the ones who found her dead and watched him while he did CPR? they answered yes. I was like, are you fuking kidding me. He could have told them to go to their room or something. Then the police officer went on telling me the rest of the story.

After rob realizing that she was not alive any longer and that doing CPR was not helping, Rob then got off my mother. And then took my kids out of the room and then called the police. Feed the kids and waited for the police to show up. I asked the police officer, so the un-none substance in her stomach could be poison or something? He said that they were not for sure.

I went on with my theory that Rob killed her. I said the medication that was in her system and was not her medication only means it was Rob's medication. that the only obvious conclusion. I told them I guarantee that if you get a list of his medication and her medication, the medication that showed on the autopsy will show that it was Rob's medication. I told them that I know he killed her.

They said there is no evidence of that. So we can not do anything about it. The police asked how I would know that my mom's medication would show up as the same thing rob is on? I told them because my mother gave me all the medication that rob would give her. she never wanted to take anything he gave her. she would even hold the pills and wait for me to come around and then give them to me. So I know for a fact that my mother would not take anything that was not in her name. I said, and I know this because she gave them all to me.

You will never believe what the police told me. They told me that there is nothing that they can do about it. I was so mad when they said that to me. I stood up and looked at the police officer and said, so you're telling me that I can go out here and overdose someone, will any type of pill, and you can't do anything about it unless I confess to doing it. I said that and walked out of the police station. I was so mad I could not even go home. I could not believe they said that.

After the police gave me that information, everything changed. Rob would not let me or any of my mom's side of the family have a funeral for her. he wouldn't let us bury her in the plot grandma had for her. He didn't even want us to see her at all before she was buried or cremated. He did everything in his power to keep us away from her altogether. My grandma had to call him and beg him to let us see her before he cremated her. He didn't even want us to do that. But he allowed us to have a viewing for 1 hour. that was all we got. rob tried to have her cremated as soon as the funeral home received her. But they told him that was not possible. There were other clients in front of him. I believe he wanted her to be cremated before the police could have another look at her body. He covered his tracks. he was hiding something that he didn't want anyone to find out. And now that there is nobody, that means there is no evidence to convict him.

On the way to view my mother for the last time. I couldn't do anything but cry. the closer we got, the more I cried. This was going to be the last time I saw her face to face. From here on out, I would have nothing but memories. My kids would not have a grandmother from this day forward. The whole day all I heard from everyone was if you need anything, let me know, and I'm sorry for your loss. The same stuff everyone says at a funeral. You keep hearing it over and over, and you just want to tell everyone to leave you alone. But you smile and say thank you. There is not much to say to something like that.

The one thing I can not forget is my kids found my mom dead. They shook her foot to try and wake her up. They called her name " grammy" repeatedly, and they didn't know what was going on while they watched Rob do CPR on her. all I can think is they will be traumatized for the rest of their life. They were only 2 and 3 years old. And I can only think that if I was a better mom, they wouldn't have had to go through any of that. I would have had them with me, and they wouldn't have been the ones to find her dead body.

There are so many things I wish I could do differently. Maybe my life would have been different. Maybe I would still be able to call my mom every night and talk to her. Maybe my kids would have their grandmother still. I have held a grudge for so long, and I want to get rob back for killing my mother. Not only killing her, but he also would not let me have anything of hers. He gave it all to his new girlfriend.

He keeps all my mom's things away from me, my childhood pictures, and the home videos. He took everything. My mom told me for years that when she passed away that I could have all the unicorns she had, and she had a whole lot of them. But I didn't get anything of hers at all. I hate him for that.

For years after my mom passed away, I wished something bad would happen to rob, and he would die. Still to this day, I secretly wish that. I know it's bad to wish that upon anyone, but he killed my mother. He took her from me and my kids. he took everything. And he doesn't feel bad about it at all. And that's what makes me think that he had it plained the whole time. He was going to kill her and take everything. my mom had almost $100.00 saved in a piggy bank, and he wouldn't even give my kids the money. he keeps everything of there's I couldn't take anything out of the house. I couldn't even go to the house at all after she passed away.

A few months after my mom passed away, I went to the house and seen that no one was home. So I walked up to the door to see if it was locked, and the crazy thing was he took the handle off the door. He took all the handles threw out the house. And left all the doors open. He took everything that was my mom's out of the house with him. the only thing he left behind was most of the stuff in the crawl space under the house.

My little brother was with me, so I had him crawl under the house and pull some boxes out. We went through them and took what we wanted, which was not much—nothing of any significance. My brother and I were so post to go back and finish going through everything, but we never made it. I wish every day that we went back just to see what we could find.

My mother was a good person. She would give you her shirt off her back if you asked. She has always seen the good in people. She never believed everything she heard. She had the most beautiful smile. She was always laughing. There was the voice she would do; it sounded like Donald Duck. She would do the voice every time she was around kids. Some kids liked it, and there were some kids that we scared of it.

When she took me to the doctor's office, they would walk into the room and start asking her the questions they should be asking me. Then when we would correct them, they would say, wow, you could be sisters. But they would talk to me like I was the mother and she was my daughter. They couldn't believe how much we looked alike. My family still, to this day, tell me I look just like my mom. I see it in some pictures I look at of myself.

Still to this day, I cant celebrate any holiday that she liked. But I make myself for my kids. It took me 6 years to get my life back and stop using drugs. It took that long for me to see I have kids that need me, and I can't let some drug take me away from them. My kids are what wakes me every day and what makes me want to continue living my life.

I know they were only 2 and 3 years old when my mom passed away, but I know they have to remember something about that day. Could they suppress the memory, not wanting to remember what happened? I wish I could forget the day my mom passed away. Maybe I wouldn't hold a grudge for so long.

I know that after 4 years from when my mom passed away, Rob was driving around "dead man's curve" and flipped his car and killed his passenger. He went to prison for that. But they wouldn't put him in jail for killing my mom. He should have got way more time than he did. They gave him 3 years in prison for 'manslaughter."

I believe it was 7months after my mom passed away. I got a letter about the house my mom was living in. there was a check issued to her for the house. I don't remember what it was for exactly, but I had to call them and tell them she had passed away. I asked if there was any way I could have the check put in my name since she was dead. They had to get proof of who I was and proof of her death. I sent everything they wanted proof of. They called me and said the check will be issued in my name.

There was another time I received a letter in the mail about the house. They were asking if I still wanted the house and if I did, all I had to do was pay a certain amount of money to have everything put into my name. I believe they wanted me to pay $7,000 to have everything in my name. I spoke to my brother about it and tried to talk him into going in with me on the house, and we would split the cost of the house. But he did not want to do that. He was more worried about how we could not live together because we didn't get along well. I wish he would of went along with it. I wouldn't be living in the projects now. My kids would have had a yard to go play in growing up.

Now that I took action on my life and took it back from the devil. My life has had a lot of change in it. I live a more truthful life now. I don't steal from anyone, and I make sure I treat people how I want to be treated. I live by morals now. I don't have to have a man in my life like I thought I had to before changing my life and taking a year to learn about myself.

I took a year to find myself. And it worked. I found myself, and I know now that I don't need a man in life to survive. I choose to have a man in my life. If it was not for my mom passing away, I don't think I would have changed anything about myself. So maybe her passing away did something good for me. I know how to put my kids first and not to let anything hurt my family. I live for the day. I'm not just existing day by day.

I couldn't see this year ago, but my mother taught me things I never knew she taught me. Every day that passes, I see more and more stuff she taught me without me even knowing it. I try and tell my kids every day how my mom was, how she acted, and the things she would do. How she was always funny. I tell my kids that I want them to live the life I didn't get to live. But they don't get it yet. One day they will get it. I hope it will be before I pass away.

The only thing I can say is my mother was a good woman, and I miss her every day. I miss everything about her. that will never change. The only thing I can do now is to keep going. Show my kids they can accomplish anything if they put their head to it and don't give up. I'm trying to teach them what my mom didn't get to teach me.

You know, even though you are an adult, you never stop learning from your mother. They teach you something new every day. Whether you know they are teaching you or not, it's always going to be there. So please don take your mother for granted; you never know what the next day will bring. You never know when your mother won't be around anymore. Tell your mom every day or even every time you talk that you love her. Tell your mother you love her even if you're arguing with each other.