The Little Black Book

It was a Saturday afternoon as Susan sat in the living room drinking her morning coffee, as usual. “Life sucks,” she thought, as she attempted to drain the piercing sounds of her two year old Michael crying for “who knows what,” and her older three sons, Brad, Logyn, and Casey, chasing each other through their small, 1,100 square foot home. Her husband, Bill, went to kiss her before he left for work, but Susan, annoyed with him and life, turned her head so that he was only able to kiss her cheek. “I love you,” Bill said, but Susan just looked at him in disgust: “If only I had a different life,” she thought.

Susan was a beautiful, petite woman, with long brown silky hair. In high school, she was popular with the boys and ultimately became Valedictorian her senior year. Fast forward ten years, Susan was now married, with four children. Dark circles and bags under her eyes were great indications she was consumed with exhaustion. Her days seemed to unfold, unchanging, with the mundane routine of cleaning, cooking, running errands, taking care of her four boys and her husband. She felt like she was losing herself and she was sick of it.

Bill was a kind man, full of love; He was big and burly with a large, brown beard and blue eyes. He used to do things for Susan like buy her favorite flowers “just because,” take her out on fancy dates, and make her feel like the most special woman in the world. Now, because he was the only money-maker in the home and they had four children, he didn’t do those special things as much anymore. Bill worked hard, was faithful, and helped where he could, but Susan felt underappreciated and unloved.

When Susan finished her last sip of coffee, she got up to look at her “to-do” list for the day. “1. Clean out the freaking attic.” She rolled her eyes and told herself, “I might as well get this done because I know Bill will never do it.” Susan wanted to start up her photography business she had given up years ago after Brad, her oldest son, was born. Her plan was to have her studio set up in the attic. She had asked Bill to clean the attic a million times (at least that’s how many times it felt like), but, of course, he never did. She was tired of waiting around for him to do things, so she took matters into her own hands.

Susan opened the door to the attic and dust swept into the air causing her to cough and squint her eyes. Since they bought the house 4 years ago, she had not stepped foot into the attic. In the attic were tons ,lkof brown boxes stacked on top of each other, about fifty in total. There was also some of Bill’s old gym equipment, storage bins full of old kids’ toys and clothes, and one small bronze chest sitting in a dark corner that looked as if it were about 200 years old. With a big sigh, she rolled up her sleeves and walked over to the small chest box. “I guess I’ll start with the small one,” she said, as she blew the dust off the top. On the top of the box there was a small inscription, “NIGRUM LIBRO.” She squinted ever so slightly and read the inscription written in Latin- “Black Book.” Susan had taken 4 years of Latin in high school and apparently these two words were of the very few she could still remember. She opened the box and at the bottom she found nothing else but a little black book. Susan picked up the book to find that it had a worn out leather cover. As she flipped through the pages, she was astonished to find there was only one page that actually had letters, letters that completed only one sentence—“This black book will give you your hearts’ desires, whisper your wish upon it and your dreams you will acquire.” She slightly opened her mouth and out whispered the words, “I wish I had a different life.” She looked around the attic room slightly anticipating a mystical change, but to her surprise nothing happened. “I’m such an idiot,” she said as she faintly laughed at her ludicrous imagination. She put the little black book back into the box and continued with cleaning the attic.

The next morning, before Susan opened her eyes, she thought to herself, “something isn’t right. These sheets feel softer than normal,” she thought. She realized her husband wasn’t lying next to her and there was no loud banging or screaming from her boys that would give her her usual morning headache. In fact, she felt more rested than she had felt in a very long time. She opened her eyes and realized everything was different. As she started to panic, she went to grab her phone from the bed side table, instead finding a white envelope mysteriously laying there. She opened it and inside was a small piece of paper and $20,000. On the paper was written, “Enjoy your new life…I hope the grass is greener.” Her fear and panic slowly turned to astonishment…then curiosity…then…excitement. “NO. FREAKING. WAY. IT WORKED!!,” she exclaimed. This was Susan’s opportunity to start over…to really get the life she deserved. She told herself in efforts to justify her selfishness, “I can always have kids in the future…I’ll wait to get married this time and just focus on me first. I deserve this.”

Within a year of her new life Susan had started a successful photography business and traveled often with the $20,000 she “found”. She made tons of new friends, went out as often as she liked, and dated whoever, whenever she wanted…only to come home every night to an empty home. As she was sitting on her white couch (that had zero chocolate stains like her old couch did), she closed her eyes to hear the sound of her boys’ laughter. She smiled. She thought of her husband, Bill, and imagined his warm, fuzzy beard brushing against her cheek as he would kiss her. A tear rolled down her cheek. “No, this is the life I asked for…this is the life I want….isn’t it?” She said to herself.

The next morning, Susan woke up to an excruciating headache. She was used to the 6:00 a.m., waking up to the loud children type of headache, but this was different. Susan felt as if something were wrong. And there was.

A few hours later, Susan found herself lying in a hospital bed, with an IV in her arm and a woman who looked about her age laying in the bed in the room next to her. (It was a conjoined room, with a curtain to separate them). “Well hello there, glad to see you’re awake,” Doctor Sam said. “You blacked out at your home and one of your friends found you and brought you in. Good thing he did because I don’t know if you’d still be with us.”

“What do you mean still be with us?” Susan asked with a shaky voice.

Doctor Sam proceeded, “I’m so very sorry to inform you of this, but we found a malignant tumor in your brain.”

Stunned with such devasting news, tears instantly began streaming down her cheeks. “Tumor? How? I don’t….understand…I…I…” Susan couldn’t find the words to finish her sentence.

“I know how difficult this is for you to take in. We will go over the details shortly, but I suggest you take some time to call your family,” Doctor Sam said.

“I have none,” Susan sadly expressed.

A few minutes later a family walked in the room to visit Barbara, her room neighbor. Susan turned her head to see a large, burly, man, two small boys and a little girl with huge smiles on their faces. “Momma!” The little ones yelled in excitement. “We were so worried about you, hunnie, I’m so glad you’re going to be okay,” the burly man said (who at this point Susan figured was Barbara’s husband). “They look so happy,” Susan thought. She began crying thinking about Bill and her four boys.

A little while later after Barbara’s family had left, Susan asked Barbara, “what brings you in?”

“Oh, I found a lump in my breast but they said it’s nothing to worry about right now. I’ll be going home soon. What about you?” Brenda asked.

“I’m dying,” Susan quietly said, “and I have no one here that loves me.” For the next couple hours, they laid in their hospital beds and learned about each others’ lives, except Susan didn’t share about her “past life.”

“Can I ask you a question, Susan,” Brenda said. “I hope this isn’t too abrasive, but...what have you found to be your greatest regrets and your greatest treasures in life.” Susan thought Brenda’s question to be vey ironic.

“I regret not living in the moments…not embracing the laughter…wanting a life different to that of what I was already blessed with. My greatest treasures were four little boys and a man who loved me so much.”

“If you could have one wish, what would it be,” Brenda asked.

Susan whispered ever so faintly, “I wish I had my life back.” With heartbreak, she turned her head and fell asleep.

The next morning, before Susan opened her eyes for the day, she said to herself, “something feels different.” It was. She opened her eyes to find her husband, Bill, lying next to her. Within minutes, her four boys, Michael, Brad, Logyn, and Casey came rushing through the door, pouncing onto their bed. She put her hand on her head to realize the pain was no longer there. She looked over at her bed side table to find the little black book. She opened the book to again find only one page with letters that completed one sentence only-- “The life you wished for is now long gone, and the life you deserve you’ve had all along.” Susan smiled and was consumed with gratitude and thankfulness for everything…especially for the gift she was given from the little black book.