The Healing Process

It’s been awhile.

And by awhile, I mean 6 months awhile. That’s awhile for me.

But it’s because I had a fallout with this healing process. And so my journey came to a stop, after my last post which was my pump up, get hype post about healing. I wasn’t expecting it. And I was a mess and it took a lot of reflection before I was willing to be open with it.

A few days after my last post I received a phone call from someone. And this someone was upset with me. I felt like vomiting after that phone call and I couldn’t stop crying.

This person had called me to tell me that I had hurt them. That when I write, that it hurts them. That because of my insensitivity and lack of awareness that “I don’t know how to love anybody.” Immediately, I shut down, I did a 360 and started walking down the road back to hiding and not trusting.

And now as I sit down and really think about that the conversation, I realized where that phone call came from. It wasn’t a phone call to ask me to stop my journey of healing. It wasn’t a phone call to tell me I’m not allowed to feel. It was a phone call that helped me to realize what was going on around me. It was a “Hey! Kali! I’m here and I’m reading this and I experienced this and I’m hurt that you should share this!” And when I realized this I decided, fine no more blog posts, no more being open. This was my passive way of dealing with it. But that was wrong and I realized that it should have been something we could have talked about.

I had so many people encouraging me and was supported really well. I was in a very me-focused place. A “let’s see how fast I can get through some of this stuff” place. I kind of viewed myself as a huge snow plow clearing the streets, but I’m so concerned of getting rid of all the snow that I don’t realize I’m knocking over cars, cutely built snowmen, mailboxes, and the snow forts that kids spent a whole day in the cold building.

I was going through my process of healing, my way of doing it, but I was so unaware to those around me. When talking with those close, I realized; how does the stuff I’m bring up impact them? Those close to me friends, family, teachers, and church members are connected to it all in some way. They too come to conclusions, but are not in situations in which they are always supported or able to process it.

So for that, I apologize. I’m sorry that I was not sensitive to the needs of those around me. I’m sorry that I did not check in to how you guys were doing. While I want to continue with processing this all, I also want to do a better job at evaluating the needs of those around me. Because, I cannot be a snow plow just trying to take care of my hurt quickly and aggressively without damaging the relationships with those around me.

And that’s what I’m learning. That not only is the healing process long, but that it’s messy. It isn’t a “I’m ready to start healing see ya in a few when I’m done.” No it’s a slow moving process. It’s me driving my snowplow down the road taking time to miss the nicely built snowman. Stopping and getting out of the snow plow and talking through the day with the kids building the cool fort. It’s staying connected with those around me.

While my healing process is my healing process, I cannot be self-centered in that. I need to realize that the things I work through are not just there to be said. That these posts can be conversation starters that help those close to me understand. I just can’t say things and leave it out there for people to deal with. My healing process involves others and I hope to be aware of their needs and their reactions to what is unearthed. I hope that we can be a comfort to one another. So let’s do this together.