The Forgotten One

As everyone went to bed I walked over to the oak dresser and blew out the kerosense lamp that was casting a soft glow across the plain living room that my sister and her husband called home with their one week old son. A handmade wooden rocking chair sat in the corner still slightly rocking from just having soothed my one week old nephew to sleep. Dark green blinds graced the windows that looked out across fields of corn, now pulled down to provide privacy from the darkness of the night.

I laid down on the dark blue living room sofa, closed my eyes and without much convincing I drifted off into a deep sleep. All of a sudden my eyes popped open & widened as sharp pain started shooting across my stomach. My hands clutched the front of my stomach as I fumbled in the dark to find the flashlightI always kept close by. I turned the flashlight on, got up and walked to the bathroom. I sat down slowly and paused for a few minutes waiting to see if the pain would come back. Finally I got up and went back out to the couch to lay back down brushing it off as gas or indigestion issues.

I was awakened yet again by another sharp pain. I struggled to sit up as I clenched my stomach and moaned in pain. I just rolled over to my side & curled up waiting for the pain to subside. Finally, after what felt like an eternity the pain subsided.

Within minutes, pain came shooting back across my abdomin. Hot Tears started falling down my cheeks as I rolled myself from the couch to the floor landing on my knees. I laid my head on my arms as pain rocked my body. Not knowing what else to do I started praying as fear consumed my heart not knowing what was happening to me. Out of nowhere, a gush of warm fluid came splashing down my legs. I gasped. Paralyzed, I sat there for a minute desperate to make sense of everything happening to my body at one time. I collected my thoughts, decided I must have had to pee and decided tomorrow I must go see the Doctor as I put my hands on the couch & lifted myself up & slowly walked back to the bathroom.

I was on the toilet briefly as the amount of pressure on my pelvis was painful. I quickly got up & went back and kneeled beside the couch. Pain had become a part of me. Exhaustion took over as I rested my head on my arms desperate to rest. As my eyes slowly drifted shut I was immediately awakened back up by the alarm indicating it was four am & time to get up and cook breakfast for my sister’s husband and pack his lunch for work. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath & slowly walked into the kitchen, found the matches & lit the kerosene lamp.

A few minutes later my sisters husband walked into the living room & said good morning as lowered himself on the rocking chair & put his black boots on. He got up & walked out to the barn to feed the farm animals while I prepared sctambled eggs, sausage, and home fries for breakfast. He ate and left for work as I looked at the list of chores my sister wanted me to do that day, determining what I should do first.I blocked out the almost constant pain as I made myself busy with her list. Bake cookies. Do laundry. Clean the house. Can tomato juice.

I walked out to the entry way, flashlight in hand, shivering as the damp air greeted me. I grabbed the red gas can sitting in the corner, to fill the gas tank on the washing machine engine. I draped the green hose into the washing machine as I filled it with hot water, poured a cup of dry detergent in and started the engine. Pain was insistent as I threw my first load of white laundry into the swishing water as the noise of the engine drowned out my thoughts. I decided whatever it is, it would have to end eventually. The day progressed as I checked off the list of things to do.

I was working on my final chore, canning tomato juice, when the pain became unbearable. I glanced at the clock on the wall as it struck four o' clock. I stood in her tiny kitchen in front of the propane oven & had the tomatoes in a big pot in front of me. As I was cutting the tomatoes into quarters I closed my eyes and squeezed each tomatoe into juice in unison with the overwhelming pain. I lifted my face to the heavens, as I squeezed each tomato as hard as I could. The pain finally won. I could not block out its existence any longer.

I walked past my sister as she sat in the rocking chair holding my nephew on her shoulder, & continued down the hallway into my sisters bedroom to lay down on her bed. I laid on my side, curled up into a ball as tears rocked my body. I cried out asking God what is happening to me? Then accepted that death must be my fate.

I was jolted back to reality as I heard a soft voice speaking from behind me. “Esther I called the midwife and she is on her way” I turned my head slightly & was in too much pain to argue with her. I continued to lay there and cry as my mom sat down on the bed beside me and tried to comfort me. She told me to get up and get undressed and I did not move. I could not. I did not want disturb the beast that had tortured me for the past fifteen hours. I became numb and just wished to die. After all, I made my peace.

Within minutes a strange non-amish woman came rushing into the bedroom. She told me to lay on my back so she can take a look at me. Its too late I whispered. Its too late. A confused look crossed her face as she glanced over at my mom who was tying her white covering strings that fell beneath her chin. My mom nooded her head for her to continue and told me I need to listen to her. I reluctantly followed her instructions & She looked at me and she said, “We do not have time to go to the hospital you are going to have the baby here.”

Baby? My eyes widened as I looked at her in horror. A baby? What? No. There must be some mistake. And then my breath was taken away as pain shook me. Push Esther. Esther we need you to push. I can't I whispered, as I did not have the strength anymore. You have to push Esther, we have to get this baby out. A few weak attempts were made. I tried but the pain was intolerable and my strength and will to live was wanning. A few hours later cries started filling the room. I laid my head down on the pillow as the the cries continued. My mom wrapped him in a blanket and tried to hand him to me. I stared at her blankly as I tried to grasp what had just happened. Reluctantly I put my arms out and took him from her, as I looked at his scrunched up little red face as he was sucking on his fist, thoughts racing through my mind.

What do I do? How am I gonna do this? This can’t be real. My mom softly said, “Here Esther, you have to feed him,” as she helped me attach him to my breast. She said, “Here, you hold him like this.” In that moment I did not feel connected with him. I did not feel excited, joyful or happy. I was confused. I was sad. And how in the world did this happen?

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