The Flashlight

Growing up in the mountains with no plumbing, and just a wood burning stove to keep our home warm during winter was a difficult way to grow up. At 13, I had to climb into a 5000 gallon tank, halfway full of frozen water with an ice pick because my little sisters were too young, and my father was too large to fit. Breaking off chunks to heat on the fireplace for a warm bath water that couldn't even really be considered an actual bath. It was a bucket filled about ¾ full that we would use a plastic gas station cup with to pour over our heads to wash. Growing up in those conditions taught me to work hard though, I had an older step brother who wasn't around much. So that left the work to survive through the winter up to me and my dad. We'd wake up early in the morning to go hunting for meat. And our summer was spent chopping wood for the fireplace. We also spent many days picking the pine nuts from the ground when they started to fall from the tree’s (which I absolutely HATED... The sap was the worst to get off your clothes and your hair).

So I was more than grateful when I turned 18 and moved into a place with real heating. I remember taking long showers, soaking way past the point I could visibly pass as a prune.

Where I was taught great work ethic, I was greatly lacking in emotional regulation and healthy coping skills. I was not prepared for the things that would hit me soon after.

In my early 20’s, after having both of my daughters with my husband at the time, I was diagnosed with cystinuria, and was passing a crazy amount of cystine stones. That’s the awakening of my addiction to opiates. When I lost my insurance, my ex-husband introduced me to the “cheaper and stronger” world of heroin. That was only one of the many reasons that marriage only lasted 5 years.

I had gotten off heroin and back on the pain meds as needed for the stones. Sadly that did not last long, my Great Grandmother, who was like a mother passed and I spiraled back into my addiction. I felt ashamed and hated myself for it. I didn’t want my daughter’s to see me like that, but I didn’t know how to stop. So I did the only thing I could think to do at the moment, I had them stay with family. I didn’t feel like I deserved them anymore, and the negative self talk kicked into high gear. I thought the answer was self-sabotage because that is the behavior I watched growing up with my mother and her drinking. She spent most of her time passed out, or hiding in the bathroom with her bottle. I remember as a kid sneaking into the bathroom, and pouring out half the bottle and refilling it with water thinking she wouldn’t notice.

I resented her growing up, saying I would never be like her, yet here I was. That only made the self-loathing worse. I couch surfed at people’s houses that were not good influences for me, because as they say, misery loves company. It was the middle of winter and I had been staying at a guy's house for about a week that started getting violent. That is something that I never tolerated well, so I left in the dress I was wearing and nothing but my little clutch purse and my phone. I couldn’t go home though, they couldn’t see me like that.

That was my first real rock bottom moment. I didn’t want to go somewhere else and get high, I didn’t want to keep living that life anymore. I was truly lost and desperate.

It was starting to become a blizzard outside as I was walking aimlessly down random streets. I was freezing, not dressed to be out in that weather. I didn’t have money for a hotel, and kept telling myself I was too ashamed to go home. It was late, nothing was open, but across the street I saw a Home Depot with some sheds in their parking lot. I figured I would give it a shot.

I tried the first door, locked. Went to the second, locked… Shit. I almost didn’t bother to try the third, but did anyway, and to my surprise it opened. It was a smaller shed, it had some shelves, and a small bench. I was soaking wet from the snow and shivering. I remember sitting on the freezing wooden bench, my dress not even long enough to cover the back of my thighs, and a hot breath of condensation shooting out of my mouth. I turned and put my feet up on the bench, closed my eyes while wrapping my arms around my legs, trying to get a little warmth.

A while later, I heard someone twisting the knob of one of the sheds. My heart raced. I hoped it was just someone else looking for shelter from the blizzard. I looked up at the frosted window and saw a flash of light. Whoever it was had a flashlight, so I knew I was in trouble. I contemplated trying to quickly lock the shed, but didn't want to risk them hearing me, especially if they already knew I was in there. I didn’t want to make the situation any worse than it was. So I pushed my back against the wall and prayed they would just go away.

That's when the knob turned and the door swung open. The icy snow blew in quickly and a dark figure followed. He shined his flashlight on me and I winced.

He turned the bright light toward the ground and I was able to see the man who was looking at me. I could tell by his face that he was not expecting me to be there. He was a middle aged security guard just doing his nightly rounds, at that moment I wished I would have locked the door. He had a troubled look on his face, and the only words he said was “Stay right here.” “Great, now he's gonna call the cops for trespassing.” He was gone for a moment, probably waiting for them to come pick me up. Then I realized maybe jail wasn't such a bad thing, I'd get out of this weather and at least have something to eat. There could be worse things. When I saw the light shining back through the window I figured they must have arrived. I took a deep breath and readied myself for them to take me away.

The door opened and the security guard stepped inside. He shined his flashlight back on me and I had to close my eyes. I heard him sigh, and he turned the light toward the floor once more. He was holding a couple wool blankets and a thermos of hot coffee. There was also a brown paper bag. Apparently his house wasn't far, and he called his wife to bring me some things to hold out through the night. He also handed me some hand and feet warmers, and a knitted beanie.

He unfolded one of the blankets and placed it around my shoulders. He took the other blanket and he covered half of the bench. He proceeded to use the other half to start taking out the contents of the bag. A container of soup, and a Christmas tree cupcake. “You look hungry.” he said while pulling the lid off the soup. The steam rolled up from it and a little sob escaped my mouth. He stopped, looking up at me with a smile. “We all have hard times, no need for you to get in trouble for just trying to be warm.”

Seeing the kindness radiating in his eyes made the sobs come pouring out uncontrollably. He hugged me and I tried to choke the words thank you out. He said you’re welcome and handed me the spoon. He looked at me again, this time his tone turning more mischievous. “Let’s just try not to make this a habit.” A laugh escaped between the sniffles, and for the first time in a while, I felt myself really smile.

The next morning I returned to my family's house and had a tough conversation. It took some time and hard work, but I got sober, returning to work, and focusing on my family.

It was such a short moment in time, but that security guard choosing to show compassion was one of those poignant moments in my life that will stay with me forever. He showed me that I was still worthy of love, even in one of my lowest moments. Since then I have always tried to pay it forward how I can, because you never know how the smallest act of kindness can truly change someone for the better.