The Family Plan

Characters:

Brenna - 16-year-old girl

Downey - Brenna’s father

Gemma/Mother - Brenna’s mother

Auntie Polly/Pip - Brenna’s English aunt (along the tones of Julia Child)

Uncle Em - Brenna’s English uncle

Aunt Wanda – another aunt

Uncle Sid – another uncle

Taxi Driver

-------------------------------------Act One

Scene:

A kitchen table in a tidy, bright kitchen. Windows surround the table on two sides (stage left). There is a counter stage right on which mugs and a kettle, teapot and a plate with cookies sits. Characters may pick up mugs or cookies during scenes.

Mother and Brenna sitting at kitchen table, mugs in front of them.

Sounds of shouting, words not clear, offstage

Mother: Oh God, they’re at it again.

Brenna: Again? They haven’t stopped since last night.

Mother: It’s worse at night, isn’t it?

Brenna: Well, I haven’t been able to sleep at all since they got here. The screaming and hysterical crying and furniture smashing around…It goes on nearly all night. By the time they’ve exhausted themselves and fall asleep, it’s time for me to get up for school.

Mother: That’s not good. Not at all. Do you have any Valium left?

Brenna: I may, but I think I’ve used them all of them already, just trying to get a bit of sleep.

Mother: I should have a few extra somewhere. Remind me. You need your sleep.

Brenna: How can they not keep the two of you awake? Their room’s as close to yours as it is to mine.

Mother: Oh, we can hear them, but your daddy manages to fall asleep and his snoring partially drowns out what’s going on down the hall. I’m used to the snoring.

Brenna: Is there any whiskey left? I hid it in the bathroom cupboard. But I know they’ve got their own stock of booze stashed somewhere, and they never seem to run out of the antipsychotics – or whatever they are pills.

Mother: I was wondering how that got into the cupboard. I figured one of them had left it and forgotten where it was.

Short silence

Brenna: (pointing off stage right) What’s with the plates?

Mother: (pointing) It’s their lunch, waiting for them. Actually, it’s their breakfast since they slept until mid-afternoon.

Brenna: What is it? I’m kind of hungry. If they’re going to go to waste, I’ll have some.

Mother: (stands up and walks to other side of counter): No.They may still come looking for it. I heard some shuffling around upstairs. Someone’s up… finally.(Pause) Not that I want either of them down here, but I hope they don’t both ‘descend’ (said grandly) at the same time.

Brenna: Yeah. They’re better-behaved one at a time. But, together… Who knows when all hell is going to break loose?

Mother: At least they keep most of the hysterics upstairs. Down here, they’re comparatively quiet and polite. They could almost pass as royalty…butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths.

Brenna: (walks over to the plates, offstage right) Can’t I have some of this grapefruit? They won’t miss it. They likely won’t eat it at all.

Mother: Indeed they won’t. But leave it until we see if they come down with appetites.

Brenna: (returns to table) I don’t want that grapefruit going to waste. It’s all I have to eat.

Mother: And whose fault is that? You’ve only yourself to blame. You and your diets. Starvation, more like.

(Sound of a door opening then slammed shut, then sound of footsteps descending from ‘upstairs’ – off stage (front)

Brenna: Shit. Who’ll it be?

Mother (loudly|: Shhhhhhhh.

Uncle Em: (enters from stage left; then throws wide his arms in mock surprise at seeing them in the kitchen) If it isn’t my two favorite ladies (as if announcing it). Good morning to you.

Brenna (fake laugh): Good afternoon to you.

Uncle Em: (surprised) It’s NEVER afternoon already, is it?

Brenna: (sarcastic tone) It’s nearly evening.

Mother: (gives Brenna sharp look) Shhhh (quietly).

Uncle Em (to Brenna): So, how was school, my pretty?

Brenna (sarcastic tone): It’s Saturday.

Uncle Em: It’s not?

Brenna: Aye, It is.

Uncle Em: (agitated) I must tell Pip (his nickname for Aunt Polly). (he turns around, takes few steps towards ‘stairs’ and calls loudly in exaggerated tone) Oh, my beloved (posh yet believable)…

(Silence)

Uncle Em: (shouting ever so politely) Pip, it’s ruddy afternoon.

Polly: (screaming offstage - left) I don’t bloody care if it’s bloody VE Day. I can’t take this anymore, you vile man.

Uncle Em: Excuse me, girls. (goes off stage left; noises of footsteps going upstairs)

Uncle Em: (shouting) Unlock this bloody door, you horrid cow.

(Sound of door opening)

Polly: Here. (shouting hysterically) Take these disgusting things with you.

(Silence; sound of door slamming, then loud banging on door).

Uncle Em: (loudly) You’ll regret this, you evil witch. I should lock you away in the insane asylum.

Polly: (loudly) Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. (pause, then tone changes) Oh, all right, come in. Just this once.

Uncle Em (quietly) There’s a good girl. (pause) Now come down to civilization, Pip. We’re all waiting for you.

Polly: (loudly) You can bloody well wait. Don’t tell me what to do, you foul, wretched man.

(Sounds of footsteps coming ‘downstairs’)

Em: (appears stage left, looks upstairs) Come, my love. You look like a queen. Your subjects await you. (He giggles, puts finger to mouth as he exaggeratedly steps on tiptoe toward Brenna and Mother at table.) Wait until you see this.

Brenna: (looks at Mother) Oh God…what now?

Polly: (appears at bottom of stairs; in a loud, exaggerated Julia Child voice) Good morning one and all.

Uncle Em: You cow, it’s afternoon.

Polly: (ignores him): How are you this morning, Brenna? No school?

Uncle Em: (exaggerated, sweetly) It’s Saturday, my dearly beloved troll.

Polly: (ignores him and pulls out spare chair at table)

Mother (stands up and walks toward kitchen) I’ll put on the kettle.

Uncle Em: (exaggerated accent) Ah yes. A spot of tea. Good for what ails you, as they say.

Polly: Nobody bloody says that. You’re a simpleton, you mad man.

Uncle Em: (sarcastic exaggeration with smile) At your service, m’dear. (bows deferentially)

Mother: (in ‘kitchen’) Polly, would you like some lunch? You must be starving.

Polly: Thank you, no. Just the tea, please.

(Mother starts bustling about getting with kettle and teapot)

Mother: What about you, Em?

Uncle Em: No. No. Not a morsel. I shall drink in the beauty of my beloved Pip. Nothing more. I shall live 20 lifetimes on that alone.

Polly: (somewhat fondly) You stupid man. No one could tolerate you.

Brenna: (loudly) Well, I’m leaving. (gets up and begins to walk ‘through kitchen’, past Mother)

Mother: (through gritted teeth, to Brenna) Don’t you leave me. (Louder) Where are you headed, Brenna?

Brenna: (calls back) To bloody school. (annoyed and definitive)

(Silence but for clinking crockery and spoons)

Polly: (taken aback, then looks around her) Where are all the dogs?

End of Act One