The Essential Ingredients of a Fulfilling Relationship

Many people, after being in a relationship for a while, will admit privately that they’re often frustrated or disappointed with their partner. If you ask for details, they usually have no trouble rattling off a list of complaints: their partner might be overly loyal to an annoying family member, have completely different ideas about how to decorate the living room, never want to go camping, insist on playing tennis every Wednesday no matter what, dislike Moroccan food, not share their enthusiasm for 19th-century Russian novels, or have an annoying habit of saying “actually” in every other sentence when it’s unnecessary. Despite all these gripes, they still love their partner and genuinely want to be happy together, but it just seems impossibly complicated to make the relationship work.

The root of this frustration isn’t that they’ve chosen poorly in a partner. Instead, it’s because we’ve all absorbed overly complicated ideas about what a relationship is supposed to be. We’re told that love should mean almost totally merging two lives. This involves living in the same house, eating dinner together every night, sharing the same bed, going to sleep and waking up at the same time, only ever having sex with each other (and not even thinking about anyone else), seeing each other’s families regularly, having all the same friends, and pretty much thinking the same thoughts about everything. This vision is lovely in theory but can be a nightmare in practice because it puts an impossible burden on another person. We start to believe that our partner must be perfect in every way and that if they’re not, they must be nudged and pushed into changing.

However, relationships don’t have to be so complex and demanding. If we simplify things and focus on what truly makes a relationship fulfilling, it boils down to three essential elements that we need from a partner: kindness, shared vulnerability, and understanding.

Firstly, we need kindness. This means having a partner who is gentle with our flaws and can accept us as we are without harsh judgment. Someone who, despite our quirks and imperfections, still treats us with care and respect.

Secondly, we need shared vulnerability. This is about having someone with whom we can be completely open about our anxieties, worries, and the problems that unsettle us. It’s crucial to be able to be ourselves without putting on a facade, knowing that our partner will accept us in our moments of weakness and be honest and open in return.

Thirdly, we need understanding. We want a partner who is genuinely interested in and can make sense of our unique thoughts, obsessions, and ways of viewing the world. It’s about finding someone who gets us, who is eager to understand our peculiarities, and who we are equally excited to understand.

If we have these three key ingredients—kindness, shared vulnerability, and understanding—we will feel loved and content, no matter what other differences we might have. On the other hand, even if we agree on every tiny detail of literature, interior design, and social life, without these emotional essentials, we’re likely to feel lonely and disconnected.

By narrowing down what we expect from a relationship, we can avoid the unnecessary conflicts that trip up so many couples. A good relationship doesn’t have to be about sharing every single aspect of our lives. It can be much simpler and still deeply fulfilling. We might not socialize together all the time or see each other’s families often. Our finances might only overlap in small ways, and we could even live in different places, meeting up just a couple of times a week. We might not even delve too deeply into each other’s sexual thoughts and feelings.

But when we are together, it would be incredibly gratifying because we’d be with someone who knows how to be kind, vulnerable, and understanding. A bond between two people can be very deep and meaningful without being tangled up in every practical detail of daily life. By simplifying and clarifying what a relationship is really about, we free ourselves from the overly complicated conflicts and can focus on the core needs of being sympathized with, seen, and understood.