The Diary

The Diary

I sat on the subway. Another unassuming traveler. My coat tucked neatly over my arm. Across from me I noticed a young woman. Her long dark hair barely restrained by the barrette she wore. The curls a riot behind her in dark tangles. She looked sad, as she smiled at everyone who passed. Her smile while beautiful never reached her eyes.

I watched her as she sat, waiting quietly for her stop. Looking down at a small black notebook in her hands. I recognized the type: small, black, leatherbound. I imagined all the secrets she must keep in that little black book of hers. I thought of all the strange and wonderful imaginings that she might have conjured for herself within those pages.

As the train lurched to a halt, I watched her slide the book into an outside pocket of her coat. As she rose, it fell from her pocket to the dirty floor of the car. She was out as soon as the doors opened. I picked up the tome. I was curious as to the wonderful imaginings of this captivating woman.

I know I shouldn’t have read her book. At first, I told myself I was just looking for a way to return it. Inside the front cover, she had put her name and address. I should’ve stopped there. I know I should have.

But I didn’t. I was so consumed by curiosity. I saw women like her all the time. I watched them come and go from my life. They were always nice to look at, but never really caught my attention. I had only seen her for a moment, but I wanted to know more.

So I read, and I read, and I read.

January 12

Dearest Katya,

It’s been 5 years. I still miss you terribly every day. Mom and Dad still haven’t recovered from losing you, but I think I’m getting better. Everyday since you left us has been a trial. I still wonder why you took all your secrets to your grave. I wonder why you never told us. You never reached out. We found you, broken, alone, and gone. You gave no explanations. Just your cold, dead, self, lying on the floor. I would give anything to hear you laugh again; or tell one of your silly jokes. You always made us all laugh. I miss you more than words will ever be able to say.

Love You Always.

January 15

Katya,

Today was hard. Mom was put in the hospital. I had no idea she was drinking. Apparently, losing you was so hard on her she couldn’t cope. Dad knew she was drinking, but not how much. Her liver and kidneys are failing. She’s comfortable now, but we have no idea how long we have with her.

Do you miss us the way we miss you? Are you up there watching over us, and making sure we’re ok? I remember how sweet your voice was when you’d sing to me. You could always make me feel better when I was scared. I could really use that now. I’m so scared.

I don’t know what will happen with Mom. She is so sick. Her skin is so pale, her breathing labored. I don’t want to lose her, but she wants to be with you so bad. It breaks my heart to watch her be away from you. She misses you with everything she is.

I miss you, as always.

January 22

Dearest Katya,

Mom signed a DNR today. She says when death takes her, she doesn’t want intervention. Dad and I cried together while we watched her sign it. The doctors are trying to keep her as comfortable as possible. They say it won’t be long, she is refusing all the care they will allow her to refuse. She says the sooner she can see you, the better.

Dad is a mess. He doesn’t want to go home without Mom, but he knows that soon he will have to. He isn’t sleeping, and is barely eating. I bring him food when I come to the hospital before and after work. But he barely touches it. I worry that I’m going to lose him when she leaves us.

I hope that you are ready to take good care of Mom when she arrives. She misses you so much. We all do. Please look out for her. I hope she is happier with you than she was stuck here with us.

Love you Always.

January 27

Katya,

Mom passed in the early hours of this morning. She is with you now, where she wanted to be every day since you left. There’s a huge hole in my heart, and I can’t stop crying. Dad is being as strong as he can right now; making arrangements, and answering questions. People we haven’t seen or heard from in years are calling and offering their condolences.

My heart is shattered, and you’re not here either. I miss you more today than I have the last 5 years that you’ve been gone. Katya, why did you do this to us? To your family? She loved you so much, and now she left us to be with you. Please, take good care of her. We miss her with all we are.

Loving you.

I stopped reading, the pages were stained with tears. I didn’t think I could go on. I had just lost my own mom to a long, drawn out battle with cancer. She had left me a large inheritance, including a rare coin collection worth thousands of dollars. I had just gotten the appraisal value on one of the coins. I had a Morgan dollar that just appraised at over $20,000.00. It was funny because it was the one coin that I had kept on me before I knew what it was worth. My mom was a coin collector. She used to find rare coins randomly in change she was given. She saved each one, hoping that someday when she needed it the money would be there.

I had used a few of her coins to start my company. I had put hard work, and love into it. It was doing so well, that I didn’t need my mom’s treasures. As I read Lilah’s diary, I thought about my mom. My mom faced so much and was always happy. The kind of person you just wanted around. I took a deep breath, steadying myself for what I knew was coming.

February 2

Mom and Katya,

We put you in the ground today. The cold weather matched my heart. Dad cried so hard I had to help him stay standing. He wasn’t ready to be alone. I’m not ready to be alone. We watched your casket lower into the cold, hard earth. Neither of us spoke. We refused to have anyone around. We miss you both so much.

We put you both together, under the oak tree. I hope that you found each other on the other side. I know that Mom wanted nothing more than to be reunited. Please take care of each other, I will stay and take care of Dad.

Love you both, Always.

March 8

Mom & Katya,

Dad is gone now, too. I’m utterly alone. He was driving home, and lost control of his car. They think he was swerving to miss something in the road. They say he died on impact.

I’m not sure it was an accident. He hasn’t been the same since we buried Mom. When I got home that night, everything was laid out for me on the kitchen table. All the past due bills. Nothing has been paid since Mom got sick. The mortgage is thousands behind. I’m left alone, as you are all together there without me.

I was seeing a counselor about my feelings since I lost you, Katya. My life was upended by your departure. Then, the rest just fell apart. I miss you all so much! Why did you all leave me like this?

Hurting every day without you.

March 12

Mom, Dad & Katya,

I put you in the ground next to Mom and Katya today. I stood alone at the gravesite. I cried as they lowered the coffin. I said my last goodbye to you, and I got in a cab to come home to an empty house. It is no longer filled with laughter, fun or my family.

I tied up all Mom and Dad’s affairs. I can’t save the house. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel so trapped, so bereft, and so utterly, and absolutely alone.

My counselor wants me to try to think about starting over, maybe leaving town. She thinks new scenery will help as I grieve the loss of my entire family. I wish that was an option. All of this happened so fast.

I hope you are taking care of each other up there. I hope you are all able to look down and smile now that you’re all together again. I miss you all so much it hurts.

Love you Always.

March 17

Family,

I have tried all I can. I lose the house tomorrow. I have no place to go. I don’t have any plan, I’m trapped. The creditors are coming for everything they can get their hands on tomorrow. I’ll already be with you when they come. I wish that things could be different, I wish I could find a way to move on without all of you. But I can’t. I want to be with you all again. I’ve missed all of you since the day we lost you, Katya.

I’m going to my favorite spot, and then I’ll take the subway home. I already have a plan, and I will be long gone before the creditors come tomorrow. Please be there to greet me. I love you all, and can’t wait to see you again.

Missing you for only a short time now.

I released the breath I didn't know I was holding. She wrote this today. She’s going to end her life tonight. I flipped the Morgan Dollar in my hand. I knew what I had to do. I called a cab to take me to the address on the diary.

I rang the bell. Over, and over, and over. Finally, the woman from the train opened the door. She looked harried and frustrated. As if I had interrupted something important to her. I held out her diary. As she took it, she started to cry.

“Did you read it?” She asked quietly.

“I did,” I confirmed. “I can’t imagine the pain that you are in right now. But I don’t think you should do this.”

“I have no choice, no other options,” she said sadly. Tears were flowing freely now.

“I can give you options.” I said and I handed her the Morgan Dollar.

She looked at me incredulously. “A dollar isn’t going to help me.”

“A dollar worth $20,000 will,” I said. “At the very least, this gives you options. A way out, a way to start over. Whatever you want.”

I left her crying on the front steps of her house. I knew she would do something amazing with that coin. I was certain of it. She would be ok. She just needed the options in her life.

5 years later, I saw a little girl on the train. She had a beautiful mother, with dark unruly curls, and the brightest smile I had ever seen. She quietly introduced me to Katya, her daughter. She was 2, and just as beautiful as her mother. The interlude was quick. Over before I knew it. As I watched Lilah and Katya leave the train, I knew somewhere my mom was with her family smiling down on us.