The Chronicles of being a Woman in an African Household

Growing up in an African household be like:

"I didn't kill my mother so you will not kill me"

"When I was your age I was cleaning the compound from 6 in the morning [continued rant]...”

“As a woman you should be in the kitchen with me whilst I’m cooking. You don't want your husband to send you back to your mothers house because you cannot cook”

“A respectable young woman should not be out at this time of night [insert any time after 9pm]”

“As a Christian woman you shouldn’t be wearing [insert over exaggerated clothing]”

“You see Aunty Folake’s daughter, see how respectable she is, always dresses well, has her Master’s degree [continues into the comparison game]”

And a personal least favourite...

“When will you marry?”

This one, in particular, has become the most prominent ask - and prayer point - directed at me for a while now.

A bit of background context: there’s a huge expectation - from a Nigerian standpoint in this case - for women to get married, and typically at a younger age in comparison to the expectations of that of a man. It's seen as a very significant achievement, a badge of honour, and the following milestone once you've graduated from University. Now, I've been out of education for 4 years now, so you can imagine my mother pulling her hair out thinking when her daughter will marry.

If your parents are anything like mine, you've probably heard some revised versions of the following. But instead of taking everything they say to heart or as gospel, I’ve grown to learn how to challenge these projections:

🚫 "You don't want to be too picky when choosing a man, the most important thing is that he's a Christian"

I'll never forget when my mum took me to see a pastor to pray against my single-syndrome. He said that he can tell that I'm too picky. "You would have a man by now but you keep sending them away" - and that's on periodt, pastor. Ain't no good-for-nothing-type-of-brother wasting my time of day. But this wasn't taken to be a good thing to him nor my mum. As much as I do expect for my significant other to be a man of faith and follow the same belief system, that isn't the only expectation I have.

Response:

This is someone who I'm expected to do life with, and God willing, for the rest of my life! I need to ensure that the person I choose is someone I can at least to be around, where we enjoy each other's presence, someone who I can laugh with, depend on, learn from, grow with and even mirror. I should be picky/particular with my standards, because I know what's best for me. Only I know what I’m willing to tolerate, what turns me on, what makes me happy. And it’s only me who’s going to be in that marriage with him.

🚫 "You’re not getting any younger, and you don’t want to wait until it’s too late”

Basically, African mums 🤝 policing women’s body clocks according to their age. Our mothers live for the day they get to meet their grandchildren and brag to all the other aunties and uncles from church about how many kids their children are bearing. A lot of the times it’s all image within these sorts of cultures. Everyone wants to be known as the family who’s done right by their kids and are now seemingly bearing the fruits of their labour.

Response:

There are so many other things in my life that I’m looking forward to. Support me with the things that I actually do have power and control over, like buying a house, increasing my income, developing my skills, and trying out new ventures. Also, I’m 25 - my womb is yet to dry up. There’s no ripe age in which I must be married by, I still have a good 10 years at least, and even then, it’s never too late to fall in love or to welcome children into a home, and through a series of means. I will not not chase after marriage just because you think I’m at the age where it’s culturally appropriate and expected, but rather focus on being the best version of me and attract a man who matches the same energy.

🚫 You’re too [xxx], you show too much [xxx], you’re always doing [xxx].

I can fill in these blanks with numerous statements of how what I do, where I go and how I look is not appropriate for a singleton wanting to be married. Most recently, after my mum assessing my WhatsApp dispaly picture, I was told that the ‘breakthrough’ I needed - yes, breakthrough - was to stop wearing such revealing clothes. As a woman, we’re often expected to look and act the part to be presented as a potential wife before men. The emphasis throughout childhood is placed on us to mirror a respectable young woman, not for ourselves or personal aspirations, but to appear as valuable before men and given over by the family as a bride. This is also where the notion of a ‘bride price’ arises across many African traditions.

Response:

Before I am someone’s wife, mother, friend or foe, I am an individual and I unapologetically live in my truth for me. I’m no less valuable or of worth to anyone because I am not validated by the standard a man holds me to. I hold myself accountable to God and the expectations he has placed on me, working to ensure that in all I do and all that I am, I please Him. I also trust and believe that a man worthy of becoming one with me will also see me for my truth beyond surface level. So no, I’m not too much, or enough, of anything. I know who I am and am comfortable in my identity and how I choose to express it.

It’s hard enough having to navigate the expectations the world relays, never mind having to manage that of your parents as a woman in an African household. I admit that sometimes I can get anxious because I don’t have certain things by a certain age, such as being married. But I refuse to make an idol out of these things and I will trust and await on God for the things I hope for.

Nevertheless, there’s nothing wrong with marriage being an active pursuit or desire. Our parents mean well and want the best for us. As for me and mine, I want to ensure that I’m approaching this milestone with the right intentions and a confidence within myself that is not shaken by preconceived expectations of my parents, the church, or society.

Love,