The Black book

Waiting patiently for the train at 11 p.m. can be a little dangerous for a girl or a woman at the train station in Kolkata. The Indian roads, train stations, bus stations and other public areas are not safe as a developed country like Canada specially for any female. I saw my mother anxiously checking our surrounding constantly. I think she is more worried about my safety than her. Working 9 hours shift straight every day to meet our ends meets exhaust her enough but she never complaints. I asked her that night, if she does not get tired working everyday both at home and at work. She smiled and said “No honey, one day it will all get paid off and it will worth it”. My little 8-year-old self, did not know what that meant that night. Before I could ask what that meant, we heard the train coming. The steam train sound is pretty loud and the high speed blow a little wind that gives you a little chilli before the train stops. My mom grabbed my hand and started walking hastily towards the train as the local train does not stop for too long. But before we could board the train, I saw a black book dropping from my mom’s purse. I let my mom hand go and ran to pick up the black book. My mom started shouting as she did not know what and why I was doing it and was afraid we are going to miss the last local. She did not see me picking up the book but started to walk again towards the train when she saw me running towards her. My mom ensured we both boarded the train safely. My mom got a little upset and she scolded me with a heavy voice, “You could have gotten hurt. You should not have let my hand go like that, what was so important?” I panicked and got scared so I did not say anything and hide the book behind my back. Seeing me like that she sighed a little down and did not bring it up later. I decided, I will give her the book when we reach home and after she calms down. We safely reached home however I completely forgot about the book by that time. That night like every other night, my mom hugged me while I fell asleep into her lap.
Next day at school, when I opened my backpack to take out my books, I saw the black book which reminded me that I completely forgot to give it back. Now that I think of, I saw her with this book couple of times but she never answered me of what she was writing or what is in it. I took it out and with a lot of hesitation and a little courage mixed with a lot of curiosity, I opened it. I saw a list but she made a lot of mistake in there. She rewrotes a lot of sentences like she cut the line for “a new saree” and rewrote “her tuition fee”, she rewrote the line “a world tour” with “saving for her marriage”. I did not quite understand why she made so many mistakes. Then when I went home, I slowly slide the black book underneath her pillow. I saw her taking it out later and she sighed a little but I did not say anything as she did not ask anything.
It has been 18 years since that incident. Now I know how my mom prioritized my needs and wants over her needs. It has been 5 years, she sent me to Canada with all the money she had to study and I have been trying my best since to work in order to make a living and paying my own tuition. Even though it has been hard to save money as everything is expensive and immigration laws allow you to work only certain number of hours per week under certain conditions, I am still trying my best to pay for my own tuition. The first 1.5 years was covered by my mom and I have not asked her any money after that. As I know she has been working very hard to meet our family needs back at home and with no helping hand it is very tough. However, this could be the answer to all, a lotto max cheque of $20,000 in my hand. I never thought I could win a lottery but this could be it. I have only a year left for my graduation. This might not cover the whole thing but this will help me to invest in myself. I have been researching all possible way on how I can ensure I have a job that pays more than minimum wage that will help me for my tuition even with limited hours. I heard truck company pays more than other companies and this could be my opportunity. I have been trying my best to save for the training but it costs so much. I have not said this to too many people as girl like me do not get much encouragement from their community. They always openly express their doubt and demotivate. The only think motivating me right now is my mom, who showed me a girl can do anything she sets her mind to. So, I have been slowly climbing the tree of requirements and all I have left is to do the training that will cost me almost $6000 to $8000. My heart is beating so fast right now and I could feel the blood pulsing through my veins. I need to get a hold of myself. I already planned how best I can invest this money on me and how my tax return will get affected before I picked up the cheque. Therefore, now the first thing to do is deposit the cheque and then go with the plan. Even though I am a little overwhelmed but my prior planning will help me not to use the money inefficiently. All I needed was a chance to prove and now I got the chance to prove. Once I graduate and get that permanent job, I am going to make all of the mistakes on that little book happen one by one. They are not mistake; they are someone’s dreams that got lost.
By Tara Mallik

(Pen name)