The Bittersweet End of Our Beautiful Journey
And the Beginning of a New Chapter
I’m very grateful to my body for allowing me to breastfeed. I know many women have struggles on their breastfeeding journey, and for some, through no fault of their own, it’s just not possible.
I consider myself one of the blessed ones to have had this opportunity. I also know everyone’s feeding experience looks different and there’s no right or wrong way.
I remember when I was in the hospital just after our son was born, I had midwives constantly pawing at me, literally milking me, and I wasn’t sure how long I was going to be able to keep it up.
Again, once we were home and he was waking several times a night, I remember thinking to myself: I’ll just do this for a few months, and then we can switch to formula.
But somehow, I stuck with it. As time went on, what began as a chore, grew into a pleasure, and then became a precious treat.
Now, my son is 20 months old and for the last six months or so, he’s been down to one breastfeed at night, usually when he wakes up around 3 or 4 a.m. He would wake, and sometimes I’d leave him for up to 20 minutes, but he just didn’t seem to settle without that feed.
I know the heartless experts and unattached onlookers would say he didn’t need this anymore, but neither of us were quite ready to let go.
And then one night, just like that, my little boy let go.
He slept through the night. Then he did it again the next night, and the night after that.
I continued to pump for a few weeks to keep my milk supply going, just in case he needed me again. Eventually, I realised, it was time for me to let go too.
The saddest part is that last morning when we were curled up on the lounge together in the quiet, early hours, I didn’t know it was our last proper feed. What’s even sadder? I’ve been scrambling through my mind, but I can’t even remember which morning it was.
And then, on the night before I decided to stop pumping, he woke and needed me again. Unfortunately, my milk supply wasn’t enough to feed him and he kept asking for “more.” It ended up being quite distressing for me as I felt like I was given one last chance to enjoy this moment, and my body let me down. In that moment, I wished I couldn’t remember our last time.
I wrote about one of these nights once before. Looking back on it today has made me shed a tear.
As I begin my first day without breastfeeding, I realise that after 20 months, I don’t know what my body is like without it.
I’ve decided to turn this ending to our feeding story into a little project and keep a diary for the next 14 days to track my moods, energy levels and food cravings to monitor any changes and maybe start learning something about this new phase of my life.
I’m feeling sceptical as I don’t believe I’ll notice any changes while keeping my diary, so I look forward to sharing all my findings with you in a few weeks’ time.
I’ve always been a very sentimental person, and this has taught me that I’m really going to struggle with milestones like this throughout parenthood. Sometimes I wonder if my fragile heart will cope.
Writing this and looking back on our journey has left me feeling sad. I thought I would include some fun facts about breastfeeding to help lighten the mood.
According to Happiest Baby Australia:
- Breastfeeding burns between 400 and 600 calories per day. Great! Does this mean, I’m going to put on (more) weight? This was supposed to make me feel better.
- Women who breastfeed are less likely to get breast cancer. Since both my Mum and Grandma have beaten breast cancer, I hope this is true!
- Diet can change the smell and taste of breastmilk. My son is probably thanking me for all those chocolate binges I went on!
According to the Australian Breastfeeding Association:
- By the age of 12 months, only 28% of babies are still breastfeeding. I truly am one of the blessed ones.
I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to share this experience with my son, and I look forward to seeing what our next chapter will bring.
About the Creator
Sandy Gillman
I’m a mum to a toddler, just trying to get through the day. I like to write about the ups and downs of parenting. I’m not afraid to tell it like it is. I hope you’ll find something here to laugh, relate to, and maybe even learn from.
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Comments (12)
Wow, what an amazing read, Sandy. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. You were so vulnerable and this was very informative. I love to read about mom's breastfeeding journeys as every since one is unique. I am still breastfeeding my baby and she just turned 13 months. I plan on doing it until the next baby comes (I'm pregnant again, woo-hoo!) 😅🤭 My oldest baby will be almost 20 months when the new baby gets here so I'm hoping she weans herself off like your baby did but we co-sleep with our baby so it's a very different battle here. You are doing amazing, Sandy. Our babies can be so unpredictable. I shed a tear when you were talking about the last time you held your baby to breastfeeding him and it made me think of the last time I might have to do that for my baby. Thank you again for sharing your story with us and congrats on Top Story. I came across your story after reading your reflections on the end of your breastfeeding journey and I just had to find out the lore. 😊 Good luck on your journey and may God bless you always. 🫶
Oh! I feel every word, I miss it so much.
Thank you for sharing your gratitude towards your body for allowing you to be able to breastfeed and for showing love care and understanding to those who aren't quite there. It's great that you didn't listen to the onlookers. It's only what is best for both you and your son, that matters. Everyone else can go sit quietly. Oh mama. I am sorry that things didn't go as plan when he needed you again. Lol I couldn't help but laugh at the first fact. Interrupting it with your thoughts hit the spot. The hint of humour did help to lighten up the mood. I hope your heart will cope. If not, you've got your family and you've got us ❤️🤗 A little late but congratulations on your Top Story 🎊🎉🎊
Sending you hugs. Yes, those milestones can be very difficult to handle sometimes.
Sandy, thank you for sharing your journey with us! Journaling not only will help with transition, but it will be a beautiful keepsake to look back on years from now. Congratulations on such a heartwarming top story!❤
Oh, Sandy....letting go at every stage is a painful transition, but it has been my experience that somehow they will always need us, need our mothering, our comfort, and our permission to fly. I am so glad you are chronicling all of his young days and moments...what a blessing that is.
Congratulations on your top story!🎉🎉🎉 Breast milk is so good for the baby. My daughter breast fed and weened at 10 months to a cup, at 11 months she needed tubes in her ears, the nurses said she would take a bottle, but she would not. She never had a bottle. And she was eating table food early. They had to order her a tray and give her a cup with her beverage, while in the hospital. So funny. My next one didn't eat regular food for a year and even very little baby food. Times change and thoughts about what is good for babies change too. They were born in the 70s, 3 years apart. My daughter breastfed her two boys at the same time and breastfed when pregnant with the other baby. Not recommended but she did it.❤️
Back to say congratulations on your Top Story! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
I can completely understand how reaching this milestone would give you the feels. There will be plenty of other milestones as well. Maybe keep going with that journal? It might help you recognize the milestones as they come up and give you a written record of them. :)
I remember this moment too and I still get emotional about it. And like you so glad I got the chance.
I'm a very sentimental person too, so I get how you feel. Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️ Looking forward to seeing if there's any changes in you after this
Your story bring back memories of breastfeeding. My daughter stopped at 10 months, I cried. Spaghetti, is what upset her stomach when I breastfeed. I stopped anything with tomatoes when I breastfeeding her. I cannot wait read your diary after affect if stopped breast feeding. I did lose my pregnancy fat from breastfeeding right away for sure.