The adoption agency said no

After an interview with an adoption agency last week, I got a phone call to say that they’re not taking me on. They made it sound so hopeful over the telephone. And they’re still advertising even though they say they have more adoptees than children to adopt. Something dosen’t add up.

They’re going to send me a letter to say why. Despite being a caring person with lots of experiance in caring professions like the care home and college placement in schools and day centres, they think I am not ready to take on a child with complex needs and suggest I get more voluntary experience with children Like in a school or a breakfast club. I kinda feel like all the experiance I have already is invalid.

They also said I should lose more weight. In the meetings they asked people’s bmi’s to be under 40. Mine is under 40, for sure, but they did say I should lose more weight and be more fit. They could see I was working on things.

Looking back, I wonder if I had messed up on the interview. If I had done more to convince them that I capable of looking after people. They reccomend that I talk to people about it. I’m glad that I didn’t put my hopes in too much, but it still kinda hurts. They reccomend that I talk to people about it and now I have, people are actually shocked with the way that I’ve been treated by them.

They said if I have biological children make sure I have it with the right partner. What if the right partner never comes? It hasn’t put me off having children or trying again, but I kinda feel like they never wanted a single woman like me in the first place. I feel like I was never given a proper chance.

I also feel like they picked up on my autism traits and that was an instant no. I never actually said I was autistic, but it’s pretty obvious I am from the way I talk. A lot of my friends already knew I was autistic before I even had a diagnosis so it didn’t change anything.

If they actually knew me, they would know I am more than capable of looking after a child. At the moment I feel pretty lost. They say I’m young, I still have time for biological children and time to find the right partner. At the same time, I kinda feel discriminated against for being single, autistic and having problems at school. They kept asking me if I have trouble reading paperwork at work. It came across a bit patronizing. They never really took my experiences into account.

Maybe I can try another agency or somewhere different at another point in time. Somebody reccomended that I complain about that agency because they thought they way they spoke to me was discriminatory and damn right patronising, I’m starting to feel that way as well.

They also said adopted children are different to your own biological children. I don’t see how. Love is love regardless of circumstances.

It makes me feel glad that there are platforms like Vocal where you can express yourself freely as long as you don’t throw yourself in religion or politics too much. I got a locker message from somebody on Twitter about it:

Here’s the letter of complaint I did. A lot of people said it was too polite.

Hello,

Thank you for your time and conducting the MTS meetings and the calls with X and Y. I’m sorry you feel that I am not able to look after a child with complex needs. Despite my vast experience, it seems a combination of my young age, my autism, and single status effected my chances.

Having taking time to take the rejection in, I do think I should have sold myself more, however having spoken to others they have come to the conclusion that I’ve been discriminated against. They have suggested I make a complaint and take it further as they feel I have been treated unfairly.

I would have willing to make any changes for the child. Losing weight, changing my flat around to make it suitable for a child and put myself on the housing register and apply for all state benefits I am entitled for. I did feel patronized at times, I’m sorry if this comes across as rude, but as you have given me honest feedback it is only fair that I do the same.

I know nothing I can do or say can change your mind even if I started the whole process a thousand times, but I hope my feedback and honest feelings that help you make better interviews in the future.

I do feel a bit saddened and a little insulted you think I am not ready to look after a child with complex needs even though I’m an autistic adult myself. I didn’t declare my autism in the interviews but my traits are obvious.

I will not give up my dream of adopting some time in the future even if it is with a different agency.

It will be interesting to see what the letter says when I get it. I did get a response to the email.

Thank you for your email and feedback. I can confirm I have passed your email to my manager for her attention.

It probably has nothing to do with my weight. I’m well under the bmi they asked for us to be. Even some people on adoption on Reddit seem shocked at how I was treated. Some said I should wait till I’m older cause they don’t like young people. I could try other agencies or just keep going to them once a year. I got warned by a friend they may blacklist me, but this is one of my lifelong dreams.

It’s their loss. It still hurts. It feels like the world dosen’t want me to be a mother but I am not ready to give up.