Thank You

How do I start this? How do I start putting down these words that have haunted me for years? There’s so much I haven’t told you. So much I’ve hidden in my few years on Earth. I guess I can start with being honest about how much I miss you. I miss getting hugs and being told I love you every day. The last hug I remember getting from you was years ago when I graduated. I remember seeing you cry and realizing that I had made you proud. I had thought of it as just another day until then. I didn’t get why graduating was such a big deal. It was something thousands of people did every year. But seeing those tears go down your face and the way you gripped me when you hugged me, it clicked that the day wasn’t really for me. It was for you.

You had brought me into this world as a terrified teenager determined to do her best. Had sacrificed the years and opportunities of figuring out who you were to raise me instead. And now you got to see me walk across the stage as you had done yourself eighteen years ago. I felt so much love in that last hug that I felt myself start to cry too. To this day, I consider graduating to be one of my favorite moments in life because of that hug. Which I guess leads to my next confession to you.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to tell you this. At least not in person. But we almost didn’t have that hug. I almost didn’t get to see your face and have that realization. My last year of school hadn’t started out that great. I don’t remember what all had happened but that year my depression had gotten a terrible grip on me. Every little hill seemed to have become Mt. Everest that fall. What was normally my favorite season was dull and cold. I had to work that Halloween and I wasn’t able to go and have fun with the family. My boyfriend had forgotten about our plans and had gone out with his friends for the night. I had to walk home alone and upon getting to the top of the hill, I found that only my pumpkin had gotten smashed on the doorstep. I don’t know why that was what made me snap but I made a bad mistake.

My stomach still aches years later from the pills. I’m still making up stupid stories about the scars. I’ll never forget the memory of hearing you get home and praying to every god in the world that I would get to wake up in the morning so you wouldn’t have to find me. I still haven’t forgiven myself for almost putting you through that. And I wish I could tell you how sorry I was without having to tell you what almost happened.

You’re one of the people I love most in this world. You were my best friend throughout my childhood and I knew I could trust you with my life. I know I still could. But sometimes I think I wasn’t supposed to be in your life. I know you love me. I know you would destroy your whole life for me if it meant I would be happy. The power of a mother's love truly knows no limits. Then I look at you with your husband and my brothers. I see how happy you are with them and I feel guilt eat at me. I think that maybe you could’ve had this a lot sooner without me there. I cherish the memories from when it was just us. When I could just crawl into bed with you after a nightmare. Or ask you stupid questions and you would try your best to give an honest but appropriate answer.

I see how much more you drink though. How sometimes you just stare out the window and I recognize the feeling of depression consuming someone. I was so busy chasing my recovery from the sickness that I didn’t notice you begin your own battle with it. Or maybe you’ve been struggling with it longer than I have. The thought of it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I get so worried about you that it makes my throat close up and my eyes start to blur. You’re one of the bravest and most selfless people I know. If I inherited even a drop from that ocean of yours, then I know I’ll be ok in life. I hope one day I can work up the nerves to tell you some of the stuff I’ve written here. Some will probably never even be whispered out.

I could write novels and sagas about the things I want to tell you. Everything from experiences to compliments. How I appreciate you letting me make my mistakes and being there to help me when they bit me. How you taught me to never let others look down on me and to never look down on others. You taught me how to be a person and you accepted me as one. I know that’s a lot more than what other people get. And I think that’s what I love you for the most mom. So thank you for being my mom. I can't imagine calling anyone else that.