Tell Every One, Tell No One

Monday the 7th of December 2079

6:30 AM - My Apartment

The sound of an alarm hurls me out of my own bed. Today’s the big day ! Today’s such a big day that I haven’t been able to sleep a wink. Speaking at a funeral can be a daunting task for a first timer. Especially when the task at hand implies that I need to speak of the most amazing man I knew in front of a couple hundred of his closest friends and family. My grandfather was many things, a good man, a father of three and a wonderful husband.

But, above all; a raging narcissist.

Back to reality.

7:00 AM - Still My Apartment

Laying on my desk is the suit I only wear for marriages, job interviews and funerals. An ironic man would fathom that they are all pretty much the same occasion. The shower stings but I throw myself through it, into my death-outfit- out the door.

Mother gives me a ride to the funeral, turns out we’re all doing the same thing today.

“Hi honey, you ready?” she asked as soon as I got in the car. An incredibly old blue Echo Toyota, supposedly my grandad’s favorite car. I don’t answer. My mom is an amazing person who becomes extremely unpredictable when going through large waves of emotion. Anything can set her off and it’s easier to prevent the breakdown than to apologize for it. “C’mon, let’s go say goodbye to your grandpa.”

Her voice couldn’t help but turn brittle with her last words. I guess losing your dad, even at fifty-five, isn’t easy. The ride to the funeral home is heavy but silent. At least I can collect my thoughts on how to best honor my grandfather. His last will and testament left me two things: his sense of humor and the task to bestow a eulogy filled with adventures, authentic stories that portray him as a breathtakingly humble man.

Monday the 7th of December 2079

10:55 AM - Saint Paul’s Church of Holy Trinity

The ceremony starts soon. My Uncle Liam is the only face I recognize for now. He’s known my grandad for 63 years and he’s been obese for all of those. Fun fact: he is neither my Uncle nor my Granddad’s sibling. But, he would swear to anyone that my grandad was his brother, and they always treated each other as such. Years passed and he stayed, he’s family. Grandad always wanted a brother, so he found his own.

Old colleagues tell me bittersweet stories and countless people come up to me to spread their condolences. A couple faces seem familiar but I can’t quite put my finger on where I’ve seen them before.

“C’mon kiddo ! Now’s not the time to be fiddling around with your thoughts. Let’s get this good and done and then, let’s give your grandad the funeral he actually wanted.” My thought bubble burst into thousands of little pieces as Uncle Liam strode towards me.

Typical of him to want to throw a party for a dead man.

“I’ll catch you on the flip side! Let’s at least get a drink after this thing, yeah?”

I nod with a polite smile.

“You’re gonna be fine. If you’re not fine, I’ll make a joke and everything will be great!” And with that, he left. Jokes are Uncle Liam’s specialty, but he doesn’t tell the kind you want at a funeral.

Music begins to fill the room. I finally understand what people mean when they say that the concept of time changes when one experiences grief. Things seem to happen suddenly and without pause.

The casket enters the room.

My mom leaves the room to sob.

I’m in front of everyone.

Shit.

There’s not a sound in the room. I don’t even remember getting up.

“Are you okay son?” The priest puts a hand on my shoulder which grabs my wandering soul and brings it briskly back to reality. My hands are trembling and for the first time today the room really begins to feel like a weight on my shoulder.

Uncle Liam from the back row winks at me and it brings me back to earth.

I clear my throat whilst glancing at the notes I scribbled in my small charcoal notebook. Moleskines were his favorite. Towards the end, when his memory began slipping, he brought me a new one each time he saw me. He would always tell me to write stuff down or risk forgetting it. He saw himself in me, thus giving me the same tools he knew that he always needed.

I miss him.

Wink from Uncle Liam.

Back to reality.

“Welcome one and all, we are gathered here today to bless the departure of a great man- my grandfather: Jacques Schemmel.” I can’t tell you how I got that sentence out of me but here I am, back to looking at my notebook to find the words I hoped were written there.

Through the sea of faces stare blankly at me and for the first time in a week I can feel my own pulse.

”First things first, let’s just say that he died the same way that he lived. With class, extravagance and spontaneity.”

Turn the page, next line.

Deep breath in. I can do this.

“Today, I’m as saddened as you are.” I paused, probably more than them, really. Who are these people?

“But it’s not how my Grandpa would want to be remembered. He wanted people to celebrate his life, not his death.”

The room reads as disinterested. I turn the next page and hope that I can get through this quickly. I can’t see Uncle Liam anymore, I think he left when I was glancing at my notebook.

“Born in France, he immigrated to America alone at the age of 17. He learned English thanks to my grandma’s little brother who was nine at the time. Jacques, or “Jack” by his closest hundreds of friends; was full of parties, weird coincidences and adventure. He might be dead, but he might also be the only one in this room who really lived.”

Some guy in the back just coughed.

It’s almost over.

“This man has lived through so much. Countless decades, really. He never got caught up with the small stuff and spent years travelling abroad just to please the love of his life- my grandma, who passed last year.”

They’re going to share a tomb.

“At least he gets to see her again.”

The priest gives me a sad look.

“My grandpa loved my grandmother till the day she died. He was never the same since, a shadow passed through him and there’s a part of his smile that never came back.”

I miss her too. She made the best pies.

“With my grandmother in one hand and his heightened sense of self in the other, he embarked on the ship of life. They had plans to take over the world, and they did in their own way.”

I hope someday I can have what they had.

“But, none of that compared to my grandfather’s true passion: food. Grandad’s favorite saying was that if it had a face, it could fill his face. Except humans, he always said he would never try cannibalism”

And now I’m in their living room. He’s saying that same joke for the hundredth time. My grandma grabs a steak knife and waves it at him “Really? Why don’t you come over here and let me try for you.”

She was a feisty one.

Back to reality, I don’t know how long I zoned out for.

Let’s liberate a few people from their very obvious misery.

“Speaking of which! There’s food at the reception. Thank you all for listening to me and for taking the time to be here today.”

Finally the air can now exit my chest and I feel like I have just been given the right to breathe again. I turn right, and then left and back into my seat.

No one clapped.

Tough crowd.

The ceremony finishes quickly enough, the priest delivers one final goodbye and good ol’ grandpa’s off to the burn room. People come up to me and I wave them away. How did he even know this many people? Why are they crying?

They didn’t know him like I did.

As I go to sit on the porch steps I remove a crumpled piece of paper from the inside of my coat. A check for twenty grand. On the back of it was scribbled my grandad’s last words to me.

“Tell everyone, tell no one. You’re my favorite, don’t you ever forget it.”

I don’t want this blood money.

I want to cry, to scream. I want for him to be here. I want him to give me a hug and tell me that I’m being a drama queen. I want to smell his perfume and hear his laugh.

We all want things we can't have.

I’m two seconds away from tearing the stupid thing up when I notice a very pale and very fat man trying to hit on what I’m assuming he doesn’t know is a nun.

Uncle Liam never quits, speaking of, wasn’t there a party he wanted to throw?

‘Cause I think I just found his budget.