Tea Stained Skin

Everyone always says that I have this soulless look in my eyes and that my eye color is black. What if I am soulless? What if the towers of pain that I have locked away from the outside hold no depths or definition to whom I truly am? What if my soul wanders this earth searching for a being while my body floats through the air?

I can’t remember a time where I’d ever been genuinely happy. Alcohol makes me happy; temporarily that is. Fear keeps me steering clear of the unknown and stay inside this box.

I fear being alone. I fear failing. I fear success. I fear all things that are unfamiliar to me. Give or take a few minor changes.

My name is Karma. My mom named me that because she says that I was the result of she and my father sneaking around at a young age. Sometimes I feel like I basically grew up with my mother. That was, until soon after that conversation I was taken into foster care. I ran away at 16… took care of myself since then. I am now 23, no kids, no job, no ambition. Just me.

I have dreams, of course, just like anyone else but I don’t feel that I have the means to reach out and grab a hold of them.

My mom was a mysterious woman, moved from place to place. Did her rituals that not even I was supposed to know about. She held lots of secrets. She was definitely a walking vault.

Her name was Elizabeth; very white for a woman her color and quite far fetched from fitting her personality. She had the most beautiful skin. Cocoa brown with a glow that not even the moon, sun or stars could outshine. Her hair was curly, wild yet tamed. She seemed as if she were birthed directly from the pyramids, sands and heat of Egypt. Maybe she was…

She wasn’t a bad mother but folks thought she was crazy for her beliefs. Those of which resulted in her being put away into a mental institution.

They treated her as if she were an abomination to society, to the world. Men drug her out the house like she was a woman with no substance, no morale. Humiliated her in front of neighbors and myself. A few folks sat back with wicked grins as I screamed, cried and begged those men not to take her away from me. I needed her! I didn’t know my father, I had no family… no where to go.

Only place for me was a system that didn't give too much of a damn about me, a 12 year old black girl. Funny how they share concerns and opinions about what a mother should and shouldn’t be like but rip you away from the only thing that feels like home. That feels safe. Kept tabs on me, made me believe that I had behavioral problems because my mother was “unfit”. I was told to get into the car with a woman I didn’t even know and dropped off to a place that was unfamiliar like a package without a bow.

Now here I am.. clueless. As to who I am, who I want to be, who I will become and what my next move may be.

I rolled over in my bed, as I wiped away a few tears that set fire to my cheeks. Sitting up and peering at my bedside table, a bottle of Jack Daniels stared back at me. The fan blew profusely as the summer heat smothered my bedroom.

“Drink me,” it whispered.

Gripping the bottle by the neck I threw back a shot. It burned going down but it settled the pain and kept it from overpowering me.

I was a master at tucking away my feelings and even better at surviving. No I didn’t have a job but I also knew how to make ends meet. Finesse was my hustle.

One day it’ll all pay off!

Today seemed different though. Why not take the opportunity while it’s presenting itself?

Waiting at the bus stop, impatiently as the sun beat down on my skin. Glad I didn’t drink much of that Jack Daniels because it is definitely too hot to be drunk.

“Excuse me,” a male voice chimed in from behind me.

“Does anyone ever tell you how beautiful you are?” He walked around to block my line of vision. He was also doing me a solid favor by blocking sun’s killer rays.

“Umm… no, not really.” I responded looking him up and down.

Standing at about 5’7, with a Nikon camera around his neck. To me he was a giant, I was 4’11. His skin was milk chocolate, almost perfect. No scratches, blemishes, nothing was out of place. His eyes were coffee brown with a hint of milk and sugar. He was heaven sent! Me being who I was… I didn’t fall for that.

“Well, I’m telling you. What’s your name?”

“Were you taking photos of me?” I asked. Glad I was wearing sunglasses so he couldn’t see my eyes analyzing every inch of his body with lust.

“Haha, no. I wouldn’t mind doing so though. You’d be perfect for the cover of a major magazine.” He said with sarcasm seeping through his teeth.

The bus pulled up, I was relieved because butterflies were having a showdown in my stomach.

“That’s my cue, I’ll see you around. Even though you look like you’re from another world compared to here.” I said brushing passed him.

“I didn’t get your name by the way.” He said.

“Karma.” I said with a smirk.

“Devin” he responded

I took a seat in the back next to the window. Devin took a photo of me and waved me off with a smile followed by a wink. I caught myself blushing. I think that it’s easier for me to be mean, even when I don’t necessarily mean to. Being nice always seemed vulnerable and left open opportunities for predators to play.

Arriving at my stop I did my usual thing… go to the library and read until I couldn’t anymore.

“Good afternoon Karma,” Miss Kubrick greeted me.

“How you?” I responded.

She’d always giggle at the fact that I was always so hardcore. In speech, in life, in anything. As I settled into my usual nook, I began reading this enticing book by Katrina Lee called Passion. Her words flowed effortlessly keeping you locked in.

Something told me to look up and there Devin was.

“Is he following me?” I asked myself.

I continued reading to play it off.

“Funny seeing you here” Devin said jokingly.

“Are you stalking me?”

“Haha! No, I was… well I’m actually here to speak with you about something important.” He answered.

My eyebrow damn near met my hairline.

“So, you are stalking me. What do we possibly have to talk about that is so important?”

“It’s about your mother.” He said as his flirtatious demeanor vanished.

My chest felt as if it were caving in. I haven’t seen or heard from her in years! How did he know what I looked like? How did he find me?

“Now, before you jump the gun. I am only here on her behalf. She wanted me to give you something; she said that it’s important and it will help you further in life.” He continued before a smart remark could leave my mouth.

“Give me what?” I asked as I closed my book but saving my place with my index finger.

Devin reached into his back and revealed a little black notebook. He handed it to me but I was hesitant. Why would she want me to have a notebook?

“She told me to also give you this address,” he said, handing me a tiny sheet of paper that had been folded about ten different ways.

I was caught up in confusion.

“Thanks.. I guess.”

“You’re welcome, so this is where you disappear for hours throughout the day?” He attempted to make further conversation. My ears drowned him out though. I started having flashback after flashback. Hurt and anger sent my heart into a blazing inferno.

“I .. I can’t talk right now.” I stated. I gathered my things and rushed out of the library.

Around the corner there was my favorite bar. Tony’s Place..

“TONY! I need a double,” I demanded.

“Coming up! What’s going on today?” Mr. Tony asked.

“You know me … the usual. Just floating in pain.”

We shared a chuckle and made a toast to the bullshit that comes with life.

I stared into the little piece of paper..

5067 Danwood Circle

It read.. that wasn’t too far from here. I took a few more shots of Hennessy and told Mr. Tony good evening.

“Be careful!”

The downtown lights of Columbia blurred as I walked to this mysterious destination.

Hmm… nice house. I thought to myself. Walking up the steps I could hear what sounded like fun on the other side of the door. I rang the doorbell…

“Someone’s at the door!” A child’s voice yelled throughout the house.

As footsteps came closer my heart pounded. Whose house am I at? What if she sent me to the wrong place?

The door opened…

A stranger stood there… with my face.

“You must be Karma,” the man said with a powerful grin.

I was in shock… I couldn’t say much.

“Come on in!”

I hesitated as I walked into the foyer of this well put together home.

“Have a seat, make yourself at home.” He said as he guided me in the living area.

He sat down on the couch right across from me. We exchanged awkward stares and silence. Family portraits covered almost every corner. A little girl and a little boy, him and his wife or baby’s mother. His children were half breed.

“My name is Keith. There’s no easy way to tell you this but… I’m your father.”

I could no longer breathe. My buzz went away and my mind went to a million and one places. The room started spinning, my hands secreted sweat and my ears were ringing.

Did I just hear this right?

“You’re… my father. Hmm..nice.”

“Yes.. are you okay?” He asked, seeming genuinely concerned.

“I think I am. That is a lot to dump on someone at once.”

“I know you must have a thousand questions, but you’re here today because your grandfather, my father, left you something.” He said, skipping over the fact that I am a grown woman. Never knew who my father was and all along he loved the next damned block over.

“Damn right, I have a lot of questions . You’re living like this and I’ve been going through hell for going on twelve years.”

“Maybe.. I should come back when I’m sober.”

“Watch your mouth in my house! Your little brother and sister are upstairs and we don’t tolerate that language in here.” He said sternly.

“Riiiiight,” I responded with sarcasm.

I angrily grabbed my things and ran for the door. I can’t believe she’d send me here, now, after all these years of lying to me telling me that my dad died in an accident before I was born.

“Karma! Wait..” Keith blurted trying to stop me.

“Here..” he said, handing me a thick Manila envelope.

All I could do was stare at him before a rage took over. I snatched the envelope and marched outside.

Halfway to Tony’s Place I decided to check this envelope and my eyes lit up like I’d just hit a goldmine.

$20,000 dollars stared back at me. A part of me wanted to turn around but I was too upset. I immediately stuffed the money into my book bag.

This all felt so surreal! How could she lie to me? How could he have left me and not once attempted to reach out?