Tact vs. Lies

Teaching kids to be honest is one thing — but teaching them to be both honest and kind is a whole different challenge. Young children naturally start using polite lies as they learn to navigate social situations, but as parents, we want them to develop tact: the ability to speak the truth while protecting someone’s feelings.

In this Q&A, we’ll answer common questions about teaching tact, from understanding what it means and why it matters, to practical tips on guiding children toward truthful yet gentle communication.

Whether it’s responding to a gift they don’t like, giving feedback, or sharing opinions, these strategies help children grow into empathetic, socially aware individuals — without encouraging dishonesty.

Q1. What does “teaching tact” mean?

A: It means teaching kids how to be kind AND honest at the same time. The book explains that tact helps children balance truth-telling with protecting someone’s feelings — a developmental skill tied to empathy and social awareness

Q2. Why is tact important for young children?

A: Because as kids grow, they naturally start using polite lies to avoid hurting others. Teaching tact shows them they don’t need to lie — they can learn phrases that are honest and gentle.

Q3. At what age do children start using polite lies?

A: Children begin using polite lies around early school age, when they understand others have feelings that can be hurt. This is called prosocial lying, and it’s a sign of empathy development.

Q4. What kinds of situations require tact?

A:

• Receiving a gift they don’t like

• Commenting on someone’s appearance

• Tasting food they dislike

• Sharing opinions about others’ attempts or efforts

These are common scenarios where kids must balance honesty with kindness

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Q5. How can parents teach tact without encouraging lying?

A: Teach alternative truthful phrases that still protect feelings, e.g.

• “Thank you for thinking of me.”

• “It’s not my favorite, but I appreciate it.”

• “Thank you for making this.”

This gives kids scripts that are honest yet socially gentle.

Q6. Is it okay for kids to use polite lies?

A: According to experts, polite lies fall under prosocial behaviour, and most children use them as part of social development. But parents should guide them toward tactful honesty instead of encouraging deception.

Q7. What mistake do parents often make when teaching polite behavior?

A: Parents sometimes say “Don’t say that!” without giving an alternative. Parents should model and teach specific sentences so children know what to say instead.

Q8. Does teaching tact reduce lying overall?

A: Yes — because children often lie to avoid hurting feelings. When they learn tactful honesty, they don’t need to lie to be kind. This strengthens long-term honesty and empathy skills.

Q9. How can parents practice tact with children?

A: Parents can:

• Role-play (gift scenarios, taste tests)

• Modeling how YOU use tact

• Praising tactful honesty when your child uses it

This turns tact into an everyday social skill.

Q10. Is tact the same as manipulation?

A: No — tact is truthful and prosocial. Manipulation hides the truth for personal benefit. Tact protects other people, not the child themselves.