Synchronised heartbeats

It's eight o'clock in the morning, I can hear you in your bed talking to yourself all the way from my bedroom. I know I have to get up and start the day, but I'm tired. Mummy didn't go to bed when you did. I was up making sure you and your big sister were sound asleep and safe. I slowly get myself out of bed and miserably walk towards your bedroom, I can't help but feel frustrated and angry because all I wanted was to sleep in.

As I get closer to your bedroom you start to cry, I hate hearing you sadly cry for me. As I lean over your cot, both our eyes lock onto each other and you instantly smile. Oh gosh how that smile brings warmness to my heart, your smile holds a power not even the universe could posses.

I pick you up and hold you in my arms, I can feel you gently breathing on my cheek, I carry you to the couch and begin to feed you your warm bottle of milk. You reach out your tiny, strong griped hands up towards my face and rest it lovingly on the side of my face, I smile and wish this moment could last forever.

I begin to hear your big sister waking up, the pitter patter of her small feet walking towards us.

"good morning" I say with a smile on my face that reached ear to ear. Before she could even say it back she tilts her head to the side and with the most cheeky smile

"go-go" she says.

she can't yet say your name so for now she calls you 'go-go' the way her lips curve as she speaks your name and the way her eyes light up when she sees you gives me purpose, she loves you. unconditionally and with such authenticity.

love that has no reason to be, it just is.

Your belly's full, your body's warm and your eyes are getting heavy as you drift asleep to the sound of your sister playing with her toys. Watching you sleep is peaceful, to see you be calm and content, there's no fear or sadness in your dreams.

Your sister grabs a banana of the kitchen table and puts it down in front of me.

"Na - Na" she shouts with such power in her voice.

"What do you say when you want something?" I kindly ask her

"peas" she whispers.

Peas may not be the same as please but she says it with such confidence, a little part of me wishes she'll never learn how to say 'please' a little part of me wants her to stay like this forever or at least just a little while longer. As she sits there with her banana, watching TV, I sit back and admire the way she smiles at the TV when her favourite character does something silly, or the way she gets sad and filled with emotion when something bad happens to one of the characters. She's just like me, human. she's not a soulless body roaming the earth, she feels and thinks with a non judgmental mind.

We laugh, we smile and we cuddle just to help time pass by. You finally wake from your nap

"Hi baby, did you have a good nap?" I say in a soft sweet voice, you slowly start to form a smile, but not any smile. A smile that could move oceans and countries, a smile that could end the war in a heartbeat. The way you looked at me in that moment screamed 'Im safe, I'm happy and you are all I need.'

After a while of playing pretend and lots of snacks, you got sad. You wouldn't stop crying, even after swaying you back and forth in my arms. I lay you down next to your sister and it was like all the troubles you were facing got lifted from your shoulders, you were free, happy and back to normal.

I know I seem like a giant to you, the world in your eyes looks like the wild to an innocent kitten. terrifying, but when you see your sister your heart rate slows, the way you lips are curved down ever so slightly start to rise and in that moment you finally feel not so alone. She is one of you, just more evolved.

I grab the bubbles sitting on your sisters dresser and you both look up at me as if to wonder what I may be doing. After I blow the first bubble, I can see in both of your eyes the fascination. I loved watching your sister race up off her bed screaming,

"BUBBLES!"

You instantly laughed and with every bubble popped you laughed harder and harder than the laugh before.

After our long and adventurous day it's finally time for bed, I begin to change your clothes, making sure you feel clean and brand new. With lots of laughs in-between. I warm up your bottle of milk, snuggle you in my arms and feed you your last bottle of warm milk for the night. This bottle is different, there's barely any noise apart from the sound of you gently drinking, you are calm with both your arms by your side. Your body is heavier than usual, I can feel you loosening your muscles and falling into my arms. Your eyes wander around the room, back and forth until they slowly close, you are now the most relaxed you have been all day. I quietly carry you to bed, gently lay you down and swaddle you in your favourite blanket. I kiss your tiny forehead and whisper,

"Good night and have a wonderful sleep."

Your sister is still awake, running around and playing with her toys, I remind her it's bed time but I don’t think she likes that very much, her and bunny were just beginning to play. I lay her down and try my hardest to dress her in new clean clothes all ready for bed time, though she didn't go down without a fight, and a little help from daddy.

There we are, your sister, me and daddy cuddled up on our bed watching a funny movie full of animals and silly characters. From then the laughter slowly turned into chuckles and the chuckles slowly turned into smiles until finally it turned into silence. She was happy with the movie, happy enough to let her body relax and comfortably fall asleep hugging both me and your daddy. Her head was warm on my chest, her breathing was calm and regulated, I lied down with her just a little while longer just before picking her up as softly as I could, her arms wrapping around me and her head falling into the crevice on my neck. I put her in her already made bed, lifted her blanket up over her shoulder and kissed her cheek.

"good night sweet heart." I gently whispered to her. I took a step back and just watched you both sleep for a while. Watching the way you both started breathing in a synchronised pattern kept my heart full and warm almost as if it had jumped out of my body and sat itself in front of our heater.

I take a look around myself, and notice the dishes have pilled up once again and the clothes are all spread across the floor, for a split second I felt like my life was spiralling out of control, but I remembered what it felt like to see both of your smiles every morning and that is when I realised, you two are the home I've been searching for all along. right there in front of me, pure and alive, breathing and walking. My home wasn't these four walls, it wasn't these pilled up dishes and it wasn't the clothes covering the floor. My home has two little heads, four tinny arms, four growing legs and two synchronised heart beats.