Stronger Than I Knew

I never knew how strong I was until I walked away without my son. A mother’s love knows no boundaries. She will take any measure to ensure her child’s safety, well-being, and overall health. My relationship with his father was unhealthy and my son witnessed the name calling, raising of voices, shoving, hitting, and he could feel the sadness. The relationship had been that way since the beginning and as time passed things progressed and changed. We took a break for a year—it was a mutual agreement after six years of the relationship. It did us good being away from each other although we still spoke and saw each other.

We were nicer to each other. I had my own place and job, and he eventually moved to a different state. There came a time when I could not keep my apartment and had to quit my job. I moved in with my parents to reset myself. Things took a devastating turn for me, losing my vehicle, all that I owned, and my parents losing their home to a flood. He was the one person I called and turned to when it all fell apart. I had known him for so long and I just wanted him at that moment. We talked more and I started to feel that we needed to end everything and just move on. He was not ready for that and we started talking about where to go from there.

A new year came, and he said he had changed, and I changed considering what I had been through. We moved in and decided to start a family and wed soon. Complications during pregnancy put the wedding on hold. We became comfortable and settled into our old ways, and we picked up where we left off with the arguing and fights. Our son was born, and he stayed away because of all the fears and worry about being a new dad. It was a lot for him to adjust to and he stayed out with his friends. This caused tension and I complained a lot of feeling alone through this new phase.

The years passed and our relationship just kept getting worse. Here we are today, and I am without my son. We moved to a different state eight hours away from family and friends and he began to make threats to harm me. We became more friends and eventually roommates. My sister passed away and my dad had a windowmaker heart attack earlier this year. I was going through so much and he could not comfort me and let me know I was not alone through it all. I had to adapt to our situation to stop the fights and argue I just agreed to everything. I trained myself to have no voice, no thoughts, or feelings to express when he was present. Everything said and done was to please him and, it worked, and things stayed calm. On our bad days, he would not respect my boundaries, and I would start hitting him to get him to stop. Our bad days our son witnessed what transpired. When mommy was sad or crying, he would give me so many kisses. I grew tired of it all but mostly afraid of how this would affect our son.

One day I saw a text message from a woman, and it was innocent, and I left it alone. When I borrowed his phone again, I wanted to see if my suspicions were of anything and checked that message again, but it was gone. I asked him why he deleted it, and he said it never existed and that is when he could not wiggle out of it. He said it was nothing and I said nothing would mean it was not deleted. I did not know who he was anymore. I just did not care anymore. Five days before I became without my son, he wanted my phone because of suspicions of me cheating. I gave it to him and when he wanted access to one of my accounts that I wanted him to know nothing of, he became furious. That account was where I could express myself of how I felt about this relationship, and I did not want to fight over that. We fought that night, pushing and shoving, demanding answers and fighting to get the phone back. I was also hiding my plans to leave him. I deleted everything from my phone to keep him off my tail so I could keep my plans to leave.

I was instantly under surveillance. He watched my every move, asked what I was doing, where I was going and who I was talking to. I knew I had to get out, but he would not let me go and said that I would never take our son. I confided in my friend, who is the wife to his best friend, asking if she could get what belongings I could not take. I felt I could trust her because she said my safety mattered. I was to leave while he was at work with our son that Monday. Sunday night he reveals that he knows everything because his best friend, the husband to the wife I confided in, told him that Friday. He said you are not leaving and taking him. I felt defeated and trapped. I sat there crying for hours as we talked about it all and I told him I had plans since October, and I had everything figured out. I tried getting him to understand how hurt I was and how I did not like his threats. I told him that we do not work, and our son cannot grow up with this. All he could say is that we will fix this. I switched gears and thought that suicide would be my answer. Then I remembered to promise I would not. Now I am unsure of what to do but I knew that since he knew everything from then on out it would be much worse.

I went to bed and our son slept close to me; my arm wrapped around his little body. Everyone was asleep and my mind would not stop. I started to cry when I decided to walk away and leave my boyfriend. I thought it would make things worse if I tried leaving and taking our son. We also had a snowstorm, and I had no car. I had to walk to escape and leaving with an infant would put him at risk. Laying there with our son held tight, my mind racing, I decided that I would leave at three am. It was nearing 11 PM and I said it was now or never. I cried as I decided that if I did not go now then I would never get out of this. That if I waited until three am I would change my mind. I kissed my son while tears flowed down my cheeks and whispered, "I love you, baby." I snuck out of bed not waking anyone, quickly packed my overnight bag with a few clothes, and went downstairs.

I grabbed some hygiene items and wrote a goodbye letter to my son telling him that mommy was sorry that I could not make any of this better and this was the only way to give him more. I snuck out of the house and started walking in the freezing cold. I instantly changed my mind and thought I need to be his mom, and he needs me. I kept thinking about returning over and over the more I walked. I knew my parents would not forgive me for this and thought that I needed to start over anywhere new and that my son would be okay without me. That no one would take me in after this and I had to make my own way. I walked for so long avoiding traffic and crying and I kept wanting to turn around and just stay and deal with all of it. I wanted my son, and I hated the thought of him growing up without me, but I kept walking. I made it to the police station ten miles away to see about getting to the woman’s shelter and asked if they could get my son for me. The officer said, “You left him and will need to take it to court.” Shortly after sitting there at the station trying to figure out what was next, the lady at the front desk asked my name and said, "Your father asked me to send an officer out to check on you, that I need to call him."

I just told this lady I had no one, that I was on my own and now I had to call my dad and hope he would not hate me or make me feel worse. Nervous, I picked up the phone and called my parents.

Dad answered and said, “Are you okay?” and I said, “Yes.”

He said, "The letter you left on Facebook makes me feel that you’re not okay."

I broke down and said, "I’m sorry, I didn’t know what else to do."

He said, “It’s okay. I understand.”

My mom got on the phone and said, “Come home.”

I said, “Mom, you don’t want me home. I don’t have your grandson.”

She said, “I know, and I need you home in my arms safe and we will get him back.”

Arrangements were made and 24 hours later I was home.

My heart is broken not having my son, but I am at peace and no longer feel that my life is in danger. He never harmed our son. I was always the target of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. If I truly felt, he would harm him I would have taken him despite the result of it. I have been told that I am strong and brave in my decision and I feel that at that moment it was the best decision I could have made for my son. I am never going to stop fighting to get him back or to watch him grow up. I am finally healing after nine years of hell. I genuinely loved him to the core of my being. I wanted his last name and to grow old with him, but it was not meant to be because the love for my son was greater.