"Stop smearing, are you a boy or a woman?". Dad, this is how you send your son to the couch, is that what you want?

When we do not fully cope with our own emotions, no one has taught us how to deal with them, it is difficult for us to find a way to tame the emotions of a child. And we are the worst with our sons, because they should be tough, brave and not cry. More specifically, don't smear. We are one step away from ridiculing instead of taming.

Why do we have emotions?

First of all, emotions do not appear out of nowhere, they are always a response to some stimulus. Even if it seems to you that a baby cries for no reason, regardless of whether it is a boy or a girl - you are wrong. An emotion is a response to something that has happened, comes first, followed by thoughts and actions.

If your son cries, it's usually because his primal instincts tell him to cry out for your help. And that doesn't include mocking his feelings. Just because you feel something differently doesn't mean you're right. Because everyone can perceive a given situation differently. In addition, children are more expressive, because they have not yet learned to control the expression of their emotions.

Regardless of your reactions, the child will feel emotions , but if he is afraid of your reaction to them, he will learn to suppress them. And that won't make you a tough guy, but a very hurt child. And the emotions hidden from you and the world will quickly find an outlet elsewhere.

I want to be "enough" in your eyes

Kamil's son from work is such a little Cossack, he never cries, he goes ahead like a storm, and yet he is almost a year younger than yours, who is afraid of everything and often bursts into tears. "Don't be like a baby", "such a big boy, you have nothing to be afraid of". The child wants to live up to your expectations , so he starts acting against himself.

Convinced that what he feels is wrong, he begins to behave against his instincts, against what his emotions dictate. He doesn't want his dad to make fun of him, he doesn't want to be a baby. But climbing the highest ladder on the playground won't stop him from being afraid, it will teach him to keep his emotions out.

Accelerated breathing, beating heart, clenched eyelids, "I can do it, I can do it, somehow it will go" - your son thinks, and stress accumulates in his body. Because crying is for the weak, that's what dad used to say. Dad doesn't want to raise a wimp, but a brave boy he wants to be proud of. So he suppresses what he feels to live up to your expectations.

Stress can hurt

Children who suppress their emotions pay for it with physical ailments. Wetting the bed, biting nails, trouble falling asleep, and even nervous tics - these are natural reactions to stress resulting from drowning out emotions. And all for the price of being a "tough guy". I don't think it's worth that much trouble. It's better to let emotions flow.

But the role of parents is great here. Because the child himself often does not know what is happening to him. You have to help him name the emotions that drive him. To say it's normal that he's afraid to climb that high since he hasn't been up there before, but you're right there and if he wants to try, you can belay them. However, don't push.

Same with any other emotion: "I see you're excited/angry/sad." Tame, don't make fun of - never. You have no right to judge whether a child may feel this way or not, because his feelings are his and you cannot look into them, you only see the reaction. And you certainly don't allow your child to belittle or compare him or her to someone who handles a situation differently.

It's not about that damn ladder!

Children who do not have an outlet and space for their own emotions do not grow up to be tough. A child who, instead of discovering, learning to process and tame, suppresses emotions, becomes an introverted teenager . Worse, he doesn't understand what's happening to him at all.

When hormones come to the fore, the child has too much of everything, and is afraid and unable to share what he feels with the people around him. After all, you can't smear, and it tears him apart from the inside. It's just that he has a deep ingrained in his subconscious mind that you can't talk about it, that boys don't cry.

And then the teenager grows up and ends up on the therapist's couch, if someone pushes him there, of course, because he will not look for help himself. This generation of emotional zombies, failed tough guys, will be the fault of us parents who didn't want to raise wimps.

Emotions are masculine

And women too. Emotions are felt by everyone, regardless of gender, age, social status, because they are part of our survival and humanity. If you are tempted to underestimate them, think about the last time you were afraid, how you behaved then, do you remember when you were moved to tears?

Look at the child: it is pure, natural, real, not yet contaminated by the patterns you are trying so hard to push it into, not fed by the stereotypes that have been pushed into you. Actually, if you think about it, it might be a better version of you. Don't kill the sensitive side in him, letting him experience his own feelings won't make you a wimp.

This is how conscious people are brought up. And if you disagree, read this article again until you understand how important it is to experience, name and tame emotions.