Sorry Mum

“Hey, Mom. I never told you this before, but” the reason I have such a hard time saying I love you is because I have the hardest time loving myself. You and Dad always taught me that the most important person to love is oneself and of recent that has become difficult. This letter is selfishly more to myself than to you. However, by the end, I'm sure we may both see the benefits. It started a couple of months ago, I was lost on what to do with my first heartbreak having never gone through such a fiasco and only being 17.

I was feeling all types of emotions stemming from god knows where but the trickiest one I am still feeling is the embarrassment of failing. I know that a break-up is not a failure but the overwhelming feeling of knowing that you weren’t good enough for someone. I imagine a loved one who wishes to donate an organ to another lover only to be told that unfortunately, there is not a match and would be rejected. That failure, the failure of rejection, the ache and the pain, the spinning brain, and that internal compass losing its arrow so you are only left with the directions but not the path you need to travel. At the time I wasn't ready to deal with the admission of fault, unsure if it was due to my stubbornness or the overwhelming denial that the relationship was actually over and that maybe she would take me back if I dropped to both knees and begged deep enough, cried loud enough or threatened hard enough. The harder I tried the more embarrassment I started to tuck away under the sleeves of my heart until those pockets were full and no more could be stuffed. I don’t know where I kept the rest of the emotions at the time and I'm sorry if they ended up in your face through the treacherous screams of a teenager it wasn’t you how could it be? You didn’t spend countless hours on a console gaming while she was in the room waiting, you didn’t lie to her when she asked you where you had been instead of her first live performance, and you didn’t raise your voice at each of her rightful judgments or simple pleads of time more spent together and yet it was you who received my punishment.

So thank you mum thank you for being here with me through my failure, thank you for loving me with all you have, thank you for saying so and sorry that you will most likely never know. Knowing isn't the most important part though well at least that's what you taught me it’s the being there that counts no matter the reason. You say that love is for those you will only do so unconditionally and never for just when you feel like it. Maybe that's the reason my relationship fell through cause I only loved when it suited me. This is the reason why I cannot say I love you mum cause for all the love you give me I still cannot unconditionally love myself. However, with all this being said I wish I could tell you that I'm trying and I'm trying hard, harder than I study, harder than I train, and harder than I winning all the damn time.

This, of course, is still no excuse and no matter how much I drag out this explanation it won’t fix the main issue so yea this is all I have to say, sorry you won’t read it.