Someone’s Mother | by Maree Reams

Someones Mother

A short poem about the silent struggle of postnatal depression.

For my little girl — I’m so blessed I get to be a part of your world.

Trigger warning: Content may be distressing to some readers as it touches on Postnatal Depression.

My life changed in a minute. She came into this world so perfect an innocent. I heard her cry and then they handed her over. I held her in my arms and I thought I would know her. I longed for that feeling, like I finally felt whole. But the longer I held her, the bigger the hole grew in my soul. It wasn't long after, in a room full of people, I felt so alone. Motherhood can be evil. I just wanted to go home.

I wasn't myself, but who was I supposed to be? Asking for help wasn’t easy for me. Soon I became the one who was being avoided, who cried about nothing, always complaining, instead of enjoying the moment. People were quick to tell me their opinion. I didn’t need it, I just needed to be understood and forgiven. For I felt I was failing before I began. Having no connection to the baby I created, was not in my birth plan. Becoming a mum was my cruellest lesson. Not only was it hard, it was text-book depressing.

Silently, I was begging for someone to see, that all I really needed was for them to accept me. This isn’t who I am, this is the disease. I knew I was broken but I couldn't fix myself. My friends didn't visit, maybe they didn't know how to help. I was sorry for crying, the tears wouldn’t stop. I just needed a hug and for everyone to shut up.

Life with a baby was not what i thought. Barely surviving wasn’t something I’d been taught. Most days it felt like I couldn’t breathe, I just wanted to go, I wanted to leave. When I looked in the mirror, I hated what I’d see. It was someones mother staring back at me.

I was reminded over and over it’s a love like no other, so why couldn’t I feel like I was someone’s mother? It just wasn't fair. It didn’t feel real, a beautiful baby stuck with me. I just couldn’t be who she needed me to be.

“In a world full of perfect ones, I’m sorry you got me as your mum. This isn’t where you belong”. These words I would say, more than I’ll admit. Her life would be so much better without me in it.

Then all of a sudden, her little hand wrapped around my finger. My tears stopped and the hole in my soul stopped getting bigger. This feeling was new, it was like no other. For the first time ever, I felt like her mother. The weight lifted and I could finally feel the gift I was gifted. I held her closer, she rested on my shoulder. My war with myself was finally over. This moment in time, Ill never forget. It was one I’d never felt before and my favourite one yet. I looked into the mirror and finally I could see, my little girl knew I needed her more than she needed me.

I wish it could’ve been sooner that my heart had known, I was more than a mum, I had literally been someone’s home. My skin was her skin, my blood was her blood. I wish someone had told me, but nobody would. I’m more than a mum, I am her world. If only I could’ve seen me through the eyes of my girl.

If you’re planning your birth, please beware, your journey is yours, you deserve to be there. But if at first, you don't recognise the face that you’ve made, that's normal and everything's going to be okay. We all struggle, some not as loud as the others. But we need to remember, we are more than just someones mother.

When nights are long, and you feel anger inside, you just want to sleep, and the guilt floods from your eyes. When the baby is screaming and you just want to run, remember there’s no one else they’d rather have as their mum.

When you question whether you’re doing it wrong, you probably are but there’s nowhere else on Earth they’d want to belong. If only you could see yourself through the eyes of your child, you’d know there's nothing more important to them than seeing you smile.

If you are experiencing depression associated with birth, pre or post-natal, anytime really, please call the hotline 1300 409 724 (Australia). This is an anonymous service but please don’t feel the need to hide, this is normal & there is help available.