So, this is Goodbye.

James,

I should’ve let you know that I was pregnant. I knew you would've made me stop drinking and I never would’ve made it full term if I was sober. As I sit here and down my last bottle, all I can think about is how much better off you would've been if I'd done this sooner. If you didn't have the burden of knowing that I’m your mother, you could've amounted to more. Please, understand that I had to tell the hospital staff that you’re their father. They need you James. You’re all Kiah and Dominic have.

The twins weren't the only thing I have been keeping from you. Your father was never missing, he abandoned both of us. I couldn't bear to witness your heart shatter when you learned the truth. He’s made it clear that he doesn't want to be found. This part of his life means nothing to him anymore. The only thing he left you is an explanation. I couldn’t bring myself to open the envelope, no matter how tempted I was. When he didn't return after a few months I decided to put it in his toolbox and buried it underneath the picnic tree in the backyard. Go to the tree and look for the arrow. I swore to only let you see it when I knew you were ready. Unfortunately, that time didn't come while I was alive so this is my last chance to give you the answers you deserve. I know leaving you is the most selfish thing I could’ve ever done and you’ll probably never forgive me, but honestly, did you really ever expect more out of me?

Mom

My grip tightened, it was only the sound of crumpled paper that brought me back to reality. I'd thought that if I read it enough times it would start to make sense. How could they do this to me? We were the picturesque family living the "American dream" in the town of Eden until 2 years ago.

I was in my room awake several hours longer than I should've been, playing a new game on my computer when I heard the front door slammed shut. Moments later I heard the unmistakable sound of my father's truck being cranked, shifted into gear and he sped off. I leapt out of the front door only to see his taillights fade into the cloud of dust. That was the last time I saw him.

Without his income, our life began to crumble around us; we lost our home, every car we owned was repossessed and I dropped out of high-school so that I could take care of us. Mom wasn’t as ready as I was to move on. Anything that we didn’t lose initially when dad left, she pawned and spent her nights drinking herself to death surrounded by unfamiliar faces.

One night, she came back to our apartment much more hysterical than usual. She laid in our living room floor wailing for hours and violently refused any attempt made to comfort her. All night I sat on the couch and watched over her as she cried herself to sleep only to wake up minutes later due to vivid nightmares. She never told me what happened that night. Now, as I stare at my newborn brother and sister, I don't have to guess the trauma she endured almost 9 months ago.

The front door creaked open. The color drained from my face as my body instinctively trudged across the threshold and into the kitchen. The sound of my sneakers against the hardwood floor echoed throughout the house. The most devastating part of this is that every memory I have, of this place and our family will be tainted by the sins of my parents.

I had a sense of relief when I was informed about the foreclosure. I found solace in the fact that, after I get a steady job, we’ll never have to step foot back into this hellhole. It was the only roof we had over our head. If we would’ve been caught squatting, the government would be made aware of the fact that I don’t have a way to take care of the babies, aside from stealing what I can.

Before my father left, we went to church every Sunday. Afterwards we'd take a blanket and some food mom had prepped the night before to the enormous Red Oak tree that shaded virtually our entire backyard. We'd talk about our week, share stories and enjoy each other's company for as long as possible. It was a running joke that Dad always made sure we practiced the Sabbath to its full extent. A few months before he disappeared, our weekly tradition abruptly stopped. He became absent. Even when he was sitting in front of me, it was apparent that his mind was elsewhere. I feel so stupid for not seeing the warning signs before it was too late. If I could have just talked to him and shown him how much he meant to me, he wouldn't have left.

The lump in my throat grew. For a moment a damning thought crossed my mind. It wasn't too late to leave them at a shelter and allow myself to live my life. However, the past few days reminded me of what it's like to have a purpose.

As painful as it’ll be to read his excuse after all this time, it's the first step I need to take on my journey to become the man my family needs. I grabbed Kiah and Dominic's stroller and started towards the picnic tree. The spring in my stride faded as I approached the large oak I searched for the arrow mom had mentioned in her note to no avail.

I’d lost count of how many times I circled the trunk. I couldn't find anything. An uneasy feeling suddenly washed over me. Surely she didn't give me this false hope to tear me down one last time? My entire body trembled and my legs gave in, sending me directly to the ground.

Kiah and Dominic must have heard me fall because they immediately woke up from their nap and began to squall. I bounced up and rushed to their side, making sure they were okay. That's when I realized It had been a few hours since they ate. I reached into the bottom compartment of their stroller and pulled out the formula, bottles and junk food I borrowed from Mrs. Alexander's store when she turned her back. I took note of the prices of the items I procured so that I could relieve my conscious when I could afford it.

Unsurprisingly, water throughout my old home was turned off. The only exception was a faucet that ran from an old pump towards the back of the property. Like most summer days, water from the hose was nearly scalding for the first few seconds. This worked perfectly to my advantage.I filled each bottle with the metallic tasting water and a scoop of formula. They both seemed content with their meal and quickly fell asleep after I burped them.

As I turned my attention back to the tree, I was overwhelmed by the task ahead of me. What does “look for the arrow” even mean? I pulled out my pack of newly borrowed cigarettes and ripped them open. My hands started to tremor again. I shakily held the cigarette up to my mouth and lit it. Then I tossed the pack on the ground beside me and looked down. I dropped the cigarette I had and gasped. At first, I thought I may have been hallucinating when I saw the bright red arrow pointed towards the Earth on the tree trunk. It seemed to be hidden from plain sight behind some particularly tall weeds. Without hesitation I attempted to dig at the concrete-like ground with my hands. Very quickly it became apparent that this could take hours or even days to dig up the toolbox without assistance and it was going to be dark soon. I looked in our old shed for anything that would help but it was just as vacant as the house. In this desert-like biome, there’s almost always an overabundance of rocks in every direction. I combed the yard and found one that was flat enough to be a makeshift shovel.

The rock did give me a small advantage over using my bare hands, but the process still took all night and into the next morning. Periodically, Dominic or Kiah would wake and cry for me to tend to them. I only took a break to give them a bottle, rock them back to sleep or change their diapers.

I’d finally managed to wriggle the toolbox from mom’s hiding spot. I dusted off the rusted box as well as I could, pried the latches open, and opened the top to reveal its contents. There was a bulky manila envelope with the nickname my father gave me, Jim, written on the front. I picked it up and pulled the seal apart and dumped its contents onto the ground. Immediately, my eye was drawn to two stacks of $100 bills. I snatch them up to see a small piece of paper wrapping around each stack that says $10,000. There has been $20,000 sitting here this whole time?! I shrieked in an octave I hadn’t since before I hit puberty. I set the money aside and frantically grabbed the notebook paper to read my father’s last words to me.

My boy,

I can never apologize enough. I let you down and I’ll spend the rest of my days with that shame. There’s a darkness in me that I have been able to subdue my entire life until very recently. I have a desire to hurt people and make them suffer. I woke up one night and my hands were around your mother’s throat. To see what I was truly capable of scared the hell out of me. I had to leave to protect you. I sold every possession I had of value and was able to leave you some of the earnings. Enclosed in the black book is a deed to a plot of 5 acres outside of town. It’s not much, but if you decide to use the money I gave you, you could live a completely self sustainable life and you’d have somewhere that is truly your own that your mother can never take from you. I have a favor to ask of you, please don’t try to find me. Make a new life for yourself and leave all else in the past. I’m not a good person and I can’t guarantee you'll be safe with me. I could never live with myself if I ever hurt you. It is best for you to stay away

I love you son.

I picked up the black book that was also in the envelope and two pieces of paper fell out. One being the deed and the other was a photo of us the summer before he left.. I’d convinced him to take a picture with me after we’d spent the day fishing. At least now I know that he also cherished that day as much as I do.

Without skipping a beat, I gathered everything that we needed, put it into the stroller and began the walk to our new life. My father gave me the ability to save my family after he'd destroyed it. Even though I still hated him at the time, I took his advice. This gift won’t go wasted. Every cent will be used to improve our quality of life. I’m going to raise Kiah and Dominic to be kind, honest, hard working people. Our parent’s mistakes don't define who we are or who we’ll become. I’d never expected my life to be like this, but now I can’t imagine it any other way.