Silencing An Angel's Cries

Silencing an Angel’s Cries

If only someone who have taken the time to listen, to actually care. Instead, all that my loving sister received from her parents, from her own children, from her husband was ridicule, blame, called an alcoholic, pushed her away, sent her away to get help, sheltered her, locked her away from the world, and all that I did, was pay attention, listen to her words, went for a drive, had some laughs, had some cries, but, not once did I ever put her down, put blame onto her like everyone else did. And what did I get? Isn’t it all obvious what happened to me at the end?

It was never like this before, before everyone had become monsters, and all their bright, cunning ways of treating people were a lot different, probably because our parents were still alive, mostly they kept the family together, even though there is that one nasty sibling who is much better, much smarter, just better off than the rest of us pathetic scum under her shoe, Oh wait! That’s just towards me. I was always the one that they all had to out bloom, they all lashed out at me, I was the adopted one, and my grandparents decided to take me in when my own mother gave birth to me, and decided that she didn’t want to be a mother, so, the lady left me behind, in the hospital too.

My grandparents came along a few days later, took me into their home, raised me, my grandmother treated me like garbage, always punishing me, abusing me, harming me in any way she thought was how someone should be treated. I thought I was loved, I thought she would stop after my grandfather stopped drinking. That was a bunch of lies, she didn’t, this perfect lady that went to church every Sunday, she volunteered at the local events around my home town. My home town was maybe population 1500, if you include the surrounding farmers. It was a small Ukrainian country town, where everyone knew everyone and all their business, good and bad.

If you want the low down of someone, just go for a walk and you're sure to run into someone, especially one of those backstabbing women that have nothing better to do but discuss everyone else, and we sure did have a lot of those where I grew up. If you lived in Two Hills Alberta, then you knew the Kostyniuk’s, and especially Mrs. Kostyniuk, the lady that does no wrong, ever. How sad that other people would not believe a word I would say when I spoke about how terrible my childhood was. I had the worst childhood, I had to grow up fast in that home, and move away when I had the chance, that was at the age of 15. What else could I do? I was scared out of my mind, my grandmother was the Devil, I didn’t know what I ever did to deserve the treatment that I received when I was growing up in that house? I still don’t know, but It was a relief when my grandfather would come home from work at around 6 PM and he worked half hour away at the Environmental Center in Vegreville Alberta. That’s another small Ukrainian Country town that everyone knew my Grandparents, especially my Grandmother. The lady who does no wrong, ever, the heaven sent, the overworked, abused by her granddaughter; I mean myself, and I treat her so awful, that woman. I couldn’t ever get help when she really gave it to me, I had to phone my sister, who thank God, only lived about 10 minutes away from Two Hills, and she would have to save me from getting killed sometimes. It got really hairy in that house, I was shocked to have left alive, my grandmother would tell me to sleep with one eye opened because she’ll kill me one night, and be done with me, once and for all.

Perfect words to say to any child, it doesn’t matter how old, nobody should ever be put into that kind of situation and be afraid all their lives, or until the Devil herself passes away and then be free of her, finally. It’s so damn sad to say about anyone in the family, but what else can I really say about the whole situation? My sister would come and save me from my grandmother, her mother, my mother’s mother, see the situation? My sister would come and take me from that crazy house after getting yelled at herself, and sometimes she would get abused as well, then that’s when I had to pack my little strawberry shortcake suitcase and a few teddy bears and get the heck out of that house with my sister, and she’d take me to her house on the farm, the 10 minutes away one. She got married and moved out to her husband’s parent’s house. The father passed away before they got married, the mother lived in Two Hills. She gave the farm to her son. Nice lady I must admit, but her son is a piece of dirt.

In the beginning, he was alright, I didn’t mind him. He was barely around, out in the fields, out playing hockey or baseball with the guys, anywhere, and everywhere, but at home with his new, young, beautiful wife. I’m the bad guy, I’m the outcast, I am the black sheep, fine! Be it as it is. I will be the bad guy, it’s easier to put blame onto someone else than it is to face the hard truths. It’s a known fact, I don’t know who actually said such a thing, but I do know it is the truth.

My sister, had everything and she worked hard, she stayed on that damn farm most of the time after she got married. There were always chores to do, her loving husband was gone, like usual. She took care of the sows too, there had to be at least 2000 of them stinky things. When they had babies, they were even worse, those babies wouldn’t be quiet, they’d squeal their little heads off. Funny how the husband always had better things to do than to help his wife, since it was his parents farm. You’d think so, right?

I was just a kid when everything was perfect, except for getting my ass kicked by my church going grandmother. Since their Ukrainian, I actually called both grandparents; Baba and Gido, it’s the same as grandparents in English. Were the best days growing up in a small country town? I had so much more fun, I couldn’t imagine living in the city, all crowded, and everything costs so much money, at least in the country; riding a dirt bike, fishing, camping in the backyard, looking up at the dark sky and actually seeing stars, in the city you can’t. It’s like your floating in space from all the stars and how they seem to surround you.

It just seemed like life wasn’t so complicated, and people were still giving, and caring; not like what the people became after all these years, cruel, cheating, backstabbing liars. I have witnessed everything possible that was bad and very wrong in my 40 something years on this Planet. It’s almost as if when everyone went to sleep one night, there was some kind of biological weapon released into the air by planes or whatever, and they dropped this funny stuff sort of chemicals and it took away anything human, and left this empty shell.

My brother-in-law was a real piece of work, but his mother was a really nice lady, she left the farm for her son, and she moved into town. I can’t really remember her too much. Her son didn’t stay home very much, my sister had to take care of the farm while her husband was out playing hockey, drinking with his friends, cheating on his wife. It’s such a cruel world we live in, and it’s not a nice place and there are too many not so nice people too, that don’t deserve to be on this planet along with us good people. There should be a special place for these types of cruel and indecent beings.

My sister was an amazing lady, and she surely put up with a lot, from her own husband being the selfish pig that he is, to her own children that were too embarrassed of her when she would drink and want to hang out with them and their friends in her home. The two girls would have friends over, drink and hang out, but their mother wasn’t allowed to be around because she would do certain things that would make others uncomfortable. It might have been because she was always left out and just wanted to be around others. It wasn’t because she had nothing to do, but because her husband and daughters would put her down and take away all of her freedoms so that she couldn’t leave the farm at all. Her husband took her keys to the vehicles, took all the phones but only the house phone was left, and there was no alcohol left in the house, and my sister would get her cigarettes bought for her and that was it. She was not allowed to leave the farm for any reason. She was trapped, and treated like a dog or some kind of wild animal trapped in a cage, and that was right to do to a human being? Bull bologna, but yet, I’m the bad guy, and no matter what, I will always be the bad guy.

I got home from work one day and my sister had called me, she was so depressed and unhappy, she wanted someone to come and visit her so bad. We talked for a bit on the phone and I told her that I would come out to Two Hills tomorrow, since it was the weekend and I didn’t have to work, I’d come see her and bring her a treat. She was so happy and couldn’t wait for me to come. So, the next day, I drove out to Two Hills and picked up my sister and went booze cruising. That’s when you’d go driving around the country side drinking and just having a good time. Nothing to put us into harm's way, but we sure drove around for a while. It was awesome, she had such a great time with me, she was actually happy.

We had some of the best conversations while I was driving us around the country side by our home town, the sites were beautiful, the lush fields with their crops so tall, the warm air and the light breeze that filled the car as the windows were rolled down a bit. We smoked cigarettes, the same kind we shared, and we wouldn’t drive back until the beer was gone. Once the beer ran out then we’d have to go back, and she didn’t want to head home, she was alone there all the time. Nobody around to talk to, her husband never wanted to talk to her or her two daughters that had their own lives. Nobody wanted to talk to the drunk, to their wife, and mother. What a label to place on someone so intelligent and who did everything for her family. She gave up all her dreams to live on that farm and to take care of the livestock, all alone. She wanted to be a teacher, she loved being around all those kids, she would have been a great teacher, she taught me a lot that my Grandparents- parents couldn’t teach me. I had no clue about the woman thing, or how to deal with that issue when it came, and my Grandparents- parents were much older and not up to date with the new trends of being a young woman, pretty hard to get your Grandmother to show you how to use some of those woman products and my Grandfather wouldn’t be any help at all.

There are things that I hold dear that other people don’t even know about her. I’m the black sheep anyway so for me to tell anyone what we spoke about and how she felt was too late anyway. After that beautiful day, she would be no more. When we finished our beer and she had to go back to her house, I had to drive home, back to the city. I had a job to go to in the morning and my children were waiting for me to come back to Grandma’s house. They could only stay without their video games and their friends for so long, until it was time to go home for us.

The next morning, getting ready for work, I had a gut feeling that something was wrong, but I just couldn’t place it. I drove my son to daycare and stopped for gas before heading to work. While putting gas into my car, I got a phone call from my Baba, she was so upset about something, she told me that she was gone, and for me to come back home. My older son had found her, and tried to help her, but it was too late. The angel was gone, and I just was there with her. What did I miss? What could've happened within that few hours? Something happened and of course, because I was the last one with her, it was my fault. I was to blame; I was yelled at by her husband and called many names. Then my children were thrown into the conversation and they were verbally attacked as well. It was all put onto me, and I had to stay clear minded for the sake of the angel’s soul and her absence. I wasn’t going to make a fool out of myself, and took all of everyone’s harsh words and them pointing fingers, but really, I was there to listen and be her shoulder, she knew what she was doing before I got there, but never said a word to me.

That was one of the hardest life lessons to learn from, and to live with the fact that she was never coming back, and that I was always going to be the bad guy. It didn’t matter what others had said or what they think about me, I was there when nobody wanted to be around the drunk as they called her, I listened to her, we cried together, and we laughed. I will always be proud of her, for who she was, and what she did in her life, she had to leave us and too young she chose to leave us all. She was so sad, so unhappy, so miserable, so alone and if I would've only known this all before, she left, I could’ve helped her. Just being around her was all she ever wanted, but her family had too much to do all the time, and they had no time for her. They made her leave and they needed to blame someone for their stupidity. It’s fine, I can handle that crap. I will because she doesn’t deserve their harsh words and she deserves to finally be happy. I will always keep her memory close to my heart, and someday, maybe her daughters could grow up and actually ask me what their mother was like. And I’d tell them how wonderful of a lady he was, and that they should be proud of her, and to not think of her like they had when she was alive. They all have no idea who she really was, and it’s too late to try and tell everyone, but what I do know and what I remember, I will keep her like an angel in my eyes and she’ll always be that one piece in the puzzle of life that was lost, but hopefully she is found now and that she isn’t sad anymore. I hope that I could be like her someday, and have the strength and the will to do anything like she did. To have the patience, to have the love, and to have the character that she carried so well.

She was someone that made her mark on this planet and will be thought of as someone who was a great teacher, an awesome instructor, a great friend, and a wonderful sister. She is truly missed, but never forgotten. Too bad that nobody wanted to listen to the angel that cried, before she took her own life to find happiness. It’s a shame, and I’m so proud I had the opportunity to know her. Too bad others were too worried about themselves to actually care. They missed out on a lot.