Should You Adopt?

This seems like a very simple question, so it should have a very easy answer, but there are many factors to consider in the ethics of adoption.

First, consider why are you adopting?

If you answered, because there are no other alternatives for you to have biological children, then you may want to reconsider if adoption is right for you. When children enter the care system, it is not always for the right reasons. In fact, we have to trust, as the theoretical parents of the child, that the carers have made the right call to remove a child from their biological parents or family. This is under the assumption that you, the parent, can really provide a better life for this child. Don’t get me wrong, they check for these kinds of things when considering you as foster parents or adopting parents, but are you really ready to adopt a child that has been through traumatic events and will likely need intensive care and consideration 24/7? If you can guarantee that you will be able to care for, and love, a child that is not yours, is likely traumatized and might want to maintain contact with their biological family, then by all means, consider adopting.

Another aspect to consider is race. I will never say that white parents must adopt white children, but it is negligent to say that race never plays a part in how people occupy space in our world. It is a burden many people of color bear. There is a certain level of torment amongst children for being “different”. Children are cruel to each other because they don’t understand. Being white and raising a person of color means there are certain nuances that you must seek outside help with. Whether you read books or ask friends, it is a matter that requires counsel. There will be questions, especially if you adopt a young child. They will likely wonder why their parents look differently from them, or it will be a rude comment from someone else that will make them realize. When doing a transracial adoption, you need to consider these factors. You cannot guarantee that people will be kind, they usually aren’t. You must be prepared. Nicole Chung, the author of All You Can Ever Know, wrote about her experiences growing up Asian in a primarily white town while having white parents. She endured racism from all ages, especially in childhood. Her classmates recognized that she was different from them and they tormented her for it. This is unfortunately common. Maybe you will choose to homeschool when you adopt, just be prepared.

Here is a personal story in which adoption has worked (mostly) for the better in my family.

We have a family friend named Cathy that married her husband over a decade ago. They tried to conceive naturally, but when they couldn’t, they adopted a baby girl. For them, it is a dream come true. They were ready to be parents to a non-biological child. Cathy had two degrees, one of them being in social work. She was acquainted with the foster care system in the U.S. and specifically in the state of New York. They did not anticipate that their daughter would need special care and treatment and would probably never live on her own, but if anyone was ready for that outcome, it was them. To some, that may not seem like a totally good outcome, having a child need lifelong care, but when having children, you must accept that, whether through adoption or biologically.

Sometimes, we get desperate. We struggle through IVF and its precise nature. Sometimes we have to come to terms with our inability to have children naturally, through miscarriage or PCOS, or any other condition. It is incredibly painful, but you have to be considerate to the life of the child. For some people adopting, they may be able to have children, but the trauma of pregnancy and birth is too much. In any case, the child’s well-being must be considered to the same extent as a parents happiness, if not more.

Regardless of your situation, many say that having a child is the best thing you can do in life, particularly because it is one of the most important things you can do for someone else. Raising a child is an act of service. Sometimes you are ready, more often you are not. To any prospective parents, I wish you the best of luck no matter how you come to be parents. Always try to right by your kid even if they never say thank you, which they assuredly will not.