She wasn't ready

She regretted signing the papers before the ink had a chance to dry on the bright white form. While it only took a few minutes, she felt she was signing her life away, one pen stroke at a time. And just like that, the house was theirs. The house she never really wanted. The fixer upper house. A house her husband had spotted and fell in love with once when he was just a teen with a newly minted driver’s license. It was just standing there, amidst a desolated country road that had become his driving playground. Big, majestic, and inviting, almost as if it was welcoming him. Almost as if it was waiting for him. He had always been a vivid dreamer and imagined himself settling down with his future wife, raising kids there one day.

Suddenly filled with a sense of dread, she quickly took her eyes away from their freshly inked signatures and looked at her husband sitting beside her. She wondered if he could feel her despair. She wasn’t ready. Then again, she wasn’t ready for most milestones that had surfaced in their lives these past few years. Their fist sweet-faced baby was a surprise. Although a wonderful surprise, she thought herself too young, not settled enough, not ready. Her husband was ready, he had been ready to be a father for years. He relished in his new role as a father. She wanted to be more like him, less of a worrywart. A second beautiful baby came less than a few years later while the young family was living in a tiny apartment. It was during one of those hot, cramped, apartment-living summer that her husband had worked his charming, bright-eyed optimism on her. He told her the dream house from his youth was now on the market, the pupils of his eyes growing, dilating with excitement. The owners were getting older and wanted to downsize from their large property, which they had struggled to upkeep these last few years. It would need considerable renovations and for that reason, the price was a steal. He promised her he would transform the old house into her dream home. Just for her. Even if it took him years. It was to be their beautiful fixer upper with a yard so big the kids could run free and wild. It would be their lifetime project. Following her husband’s declaration, she feels a bit caught off guard. Sure, it would be nice moving into something bigger than this she thought to herself, but she never gave much though to living in the country. It seemed so far away, so isolating. The busyness of the city was her lifeblood. It's where she felt alive, amidst the urban chaos of the streets. Would she adjust to the slower pace of country living? She never imagined that kind of life for herself. She was hesitant but endeared with her husband’s enthusiasm for the house. Of his enthusiasm for their future. It was one of the things that she loved most about him, his childlike excitement for life. She was more practical, less of a dreamer, more of a realist, even verging on the pessimistic side sometimes. They balanced each other out that way. They both kept the pendulum from swinging too far either way. He wanted her to see the house so she could see what he saw, the possibilities for them. So off they went on a cool Autumn morning on that dusty country road in the middle of nowhere. The owners greeted them without much fanfare and told them they had free rein to explore the property. Taking those instructions to heart, her husband took her hand and led her excitedly through each room, as if he had lived there his whole life, while simultaneously explaining to her his vision of what was to come for this home. She had trouble imagining it. It really will take a lifetime to transform this old house, she pondered, overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all. Still, she was delighted to see her husband so full of hope and joy at the idea of living there. Following the house tour, they explored the grounds, which included a huge yard filled with grass, and trees, and leaves. A true paradise for nature lovers. Still, she was more of a city lover. Always has been, always will be. Continuing their walk around the premises, they came across a decrepit barn with the roof partially caved in. This will have to go for sure she declared to her husband. There was no possible way to salvage the years of neglect. Curious to see what the inside looked like, they carefully opened one of the barn doors, making sure to watch out for possible falling debris. As soon as they stepped in, a loud cry coming from inside stopped them dead in their tracks. They peeked inside, squinting to get a better look. What is that? She questioned her husband. He told her it looked like a night owl, irate it had been disturbed in its sleep. They giggled, still a bit agitated and closed the barn door. After having visited every nook and cranny of the property, they returned to their tiny apartment in the city. He couldn’t wait to make an offer on the house, she was still hesitant. Still, a few days later, after having made an offer on the house, she found herself in the lawyer’s office with her husband by her side, signing the papers. She regretted signing the papers before the ink had a chance to dry on the bright white form. A sense of dread started to consume her. She wasn’t ready. She wondered if her husband sensed it. She looked up to him, trying to catch his gaze and met it. He smiled at her, his eyes filled with pure excitement at their new life just beginning. He took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. The same reassuring squeeze he had given her many times, as often as she needed it. As a wave of calmness slowly washed away her dread, she squeezed his hand and though to herself, yes, I am ready.