Settling

"Time to milk the cow." I mumbled under my breath, reminiscent of that old donut commercial.

Everyday it's the same old game. Wake up before sunrise, milk the cows, let out the chickens, feed the pigs, shower, eat breakfast, get the kids to school, head to the clinic in town where I work as a receptionist, pick the kids up, farm chores again, dinner, supervise homework, and finally hit the hay (so to speak) well after 10. Wash, rinse, repeat.

There's no such thing as a holiday when you have a farm. This wasn't the life I expected. I had planned on travelling the world. I wanted to see the seven wonders. Climb mountains, cruise seas, explore islands, go on safari. How did I end up in this rut?

I hadn't planned on getting married. I was a "strong independent woman" with a masters in library science. Then in walked Jake. Friend of a friend, just a guy to even out the group of friends that was all couples, plus me. One day we're having drinks and laughing at stupid jokes, the next he's down on one knee and I'm crying tears of joy. It was his dream to own a farm. It was his dream to live in a small town where everyone knows your name (and your business). It was his dream to have children and live a quiet existence. Dying in a tractor accident at 42 wasn't part of the plan. And now it's my job to live out his dream.

Most people would say it's not my job, that this is my chance to live my dreams. But that's the thing about being in love, their dreams become yours. I may not have thought this was how my life would be, but I know this is what he wanted for our children and I'm committed to seeing it through for him.

Thomas J. Henderson was the high school baseball coach. He had known Jake since they were knee high to grasshoppers, as my granny used to say.

One day, as I was out slopping pigs, his truck rolled up the drive. I paused what I was doing, hand up to my forehead to block the sun. I thought about the cliché I'm sure I appeared to be but shrugged it off.

"Who'd be out at this time of the morning?" I mumbled to myself.

His truck rumbled to a stop and he rolled his window down. "Tessa."

"TJ. What can I do ya for?"

"I need your opinion. I'm looking to buy a bull..."

"No you aren't," I scoffed.

"No I'm not. But it sounded good, didn't it?"

Just then my oldest, William, came out. "Hey, coach! How's the team looking this year?"

"That's what I was coming to talk to your momma about. We need your arm this year. How are you feelin' 'bout pitching this season?"

I interrupted, "No. No. No. No. No. We don't have time for that! We have college applications and scholarships and tests..."

"Come on Tessa. You know he's got a gift. With an arm like his, he could get a full-ride anywhere in the state. Give him a chance." It was the same argument every year.

"So what? He starts practicing five days a week again? Then chores go undone. Homework gets sloppy. Grades slip. And it's all for naught. We don't have time for this."

William was looking between us like a ping pong match. "Mom, you know I can do this. I have a 4.0 and already filled out most of my applications. I can use my study hall time to finish homework and fill out scholarship forms. Jimmy is old enough to take care of the hogs himself, and if he wants to place at the fair this year he really needs to take over."

I sighed. Most people would be pleased to have a gifted son. But the truth is, this is the year I've been dreading. William's last year at home with me. I may not have desired motherhood, but it fulfilled me. It filled a void I didn't know I had in my life. "I'm just looking out for you."

"I know you are, mom. But think about dad. He'd want me back on the team."

He always knew which buttons to push on me. Jake was a huge baseball fan. Played all through school and even on the softball league in town. He always made time for baseball, second only to the family. I felt my eyes fill with tears but I willed them not to spill down my cheeks. "How dare you?" I whispered.

"Mom...I'm sorry. It's just, you know how much I wanna play. And this could be my last chance. I'm not expecting to be the star player and win some big scholarship and become a pro, I just want to enjoy my senior year."

I sighed again. "The second your grades dip or you miss a deadline..."

"You have my word Tessa. I'll be the first one to bench him," TJ pleaded quietly.

Le sigh.

Receptionist at a quiet country doctor's office isn't glamorous. It isn't very intellectually stimulating either. But it does pay the bills and is regular hours. And gives plenty of time to think. That can be a blessing or a curse.

"Howdy Miss Tessa." I looked up from my daydreaming.

"Reverend. How can I help you today?"

"Well, I was hoping doc could take a look at my thumb. I was doing some repairs last week and I mashed it good. Thought I just needed to rub some dirt on it but it doesn't seem to be healing right."

"He's with a patient right now but if you take a seat he'll be with you in a minute."

"Thank you kindly."

I grew up in a town similar to this. I couldn't wait to get out. I moved to Austin the second I graduated, didn't even wait for the ink to dry on my diploma. I loved the night life, the art scene, the culture. I assumed Jake enjoyed all that, too. It was how we met and what we did. The more we got to know each other, it slowly came out that he wanted to return to his hometown and live a sleepy life. At least that's how I saw it. But by then I was in too deep. I couldn't picture my life without him. So I went along with it. It's not like I don't know how to navigate small town life. More that I'd just rather not.

Towns like this, especially in Texas, sports are king. Mostly football but baseball can be a close second. Especially when you're state champions 10 times over. As much as I'm dreading it, I was always hoping William would get out. That he'd go to college and see the world. I would scrimp and save so he could study abroad as many times as he could. I would send him on spring break trips and summer missions. And hopefully that would inspire Jimmy and Lottie. But he's so much like his father. Engrossed in small town life. He likes being where "everyone knows his name" and he rarely encounters a stranger.

"Miss Tessa, if you don't mind my saying so, you seem to have a heap of troubles on your mind."

"I don't mind, reverend. It's William. He wants to play baseball this year. I'm worried about him not being able to focus on his studies and getting stuck here. No offense."

"No offense taken. I know you had bigger dreams than this."

"Am I being selfish? Am I trying to live vicariously through him?"

"No ma'am, I don't see it that way. I think you want to give him the opportunity to live and you worry he won't be able to make an informed decision without properly trying things." That's what I liked about the reverend, he wasn't preachy or judgmental. He understood life and reality in a way some members of the cloth didn't.

Before I could respond, the exam room door opened and doc stepped out. "Take three of these before bed for the next three days and then come back and we'll see how you're doing." He told the leggy blonde who stepped out behind him. She thanked him, nodded her farewell at me, and left. Doc ushered the reverend back and I was once again left with my thoughts.

William got acceptance letters from all the state schools, not that I was truly worried. I wanted him to go to a big city - Houston, San Antonio, Austin...he was scoping out smaller locales like San Marcos and Huntsville. I knew he didn't want to get too far from home but in a state as big as Texas, "too far" is a relative term. He wanted to study something with animals or agriculture, further evidence he was following his father's footsteps, but A&M intimidated him for it's size.

TJ was becoming a regular fixture at the dinner table. Always eager to discuss college plans, for which I should've been grateful but instead it was getting a little grating.

"You need to do some touring. That'll help you make your decision." He said between bites of macaroni and cheese.

"When? Who has time to go traipsing all over the state?" I asked. "All you need to know is right there online. He needs to choose a major and just go with the best school for that course."

"He has plenty of time to declare a major. Heck, my college roommate didn't declare until his last year."

"That's a lie and you know it. How did he get the courses he needed if he didn't know what he was studying?"

"Well, he was there about 8 years so he had a whole mess of classes under his belt."

I rolled my eyes. William laughed. Jimmy's eyes got wide. "Eight years?? You can do that?"

"Sure you can." "No YOU can't" TJ and I said at the same time. I glared at him and he smirked at me.

"You know, if you're serious about ranching, the King Ranch takes on students from Kingsville and trains them up." I knew TJ was trying to be helpful, "and it's not that far from the coast. You can spend your weekends with the pretty beach girls." There it was.

William looked up from his plate. "I've been rethinking the whole ranching thing."

I perked up at this. "What are you thinking? Pre-law? Business? Teaching?"

"Actually, I was wondering if I really needed a degree. If I want to run a ranch, I really just need to go to work for a ranch and get on the job training."

"Yes, you need a degree. Even if you study ranching, it'll teach you the business side and the science side. The economics and the biology."

"I guess I'll look up that King Ranch thing then."

Graduation came and went. He accepted an internship with the King Ranch and was going to attend Kingsville in the fall. We went to freshmen orientation and moved him into his bunkhouse. I drove home with Jimmy and Lottie in a silent car. We got to the house and unloaded. They headed up to their rooms to get ready for their first day of school coming that week. I sat down on the couch and pondered everything that had just gone down. I know I can't live his life for him, all I can do is support his decisions and be there when he needs me.

"Time to milk the cow." I sighed.