Self Care and Self Love

Here I stand, guilty. Guilty of not taking care of myself. Guilty of forgetting that I matter to a fair amount of people and it's not fair that I have neglected my self care and even more-so, forgotten how to love myself. Over the passed few years I have completely neglected me, myself, and I. I pinpoint it all to being a single mother. Since I have said that I blame me becoming a mother I might get some backlash, but I sure hope this reaches a fellow mother or even a father who has ever felt the way I feel. Who has ever forgotten about themselves in the chaos of raising a tiny human and raising them alone. I hope that this shows people that they are not alone. They are not the only people guilty of self neglect and self abandonment. I have recently come to a realization that I may be a good mom (or so people tell me), but I could be an even better mom if I take care of myself.

So, here is my problem, I don't have time for myself. As simply stated above, I'm a single momma. I feel like most people hear (or read) the words 'single mother' and automatically think, "Oh, she may be single, but I'm sure dad is still dad and helping raise his child." Right? HA! Wrong! I am a full blown, alone from day one, single mother whose childs' father has been flaky and in and out (BUT recently has been better). Now, knowing that little fact you can possibly put my pieces together a little bit.

I am not your typical 23-year-old with a three year old, single mom like you read about online or even know personally, who go out and party every weekend. I rarely go out with friends. When I do, it's maybe once a month or every other month. I'm blessed to have friends who are sometimes cool with just doing a stay in spaghetti and wine night while watching kids shows. Anyway, back to my problem of not having time for myself, I have been using my motherhood and the fact that if I am not at work I am raising my son as an excuse to let myself slip away. I still am struggling with it, if I am being honest. I let my mommy guilt profoundly take over. I let my mommy guilt get deep seeded into myself and you know what? I lost my identity.

I am now nothing more than "Emitt's Momma." I was stripped of any and all other identities of self when I became a mom. This is who I became and it is who I am now. I say "now" because this is still who I am. It is still my identity. I have recently begun my pending transformation from just being Emitts Momma to discovering who I am outside of being his mom. I have let unimaginable guilt make me a shadow of not only my own self, but a shadow of the world.

Guys, let me be straight with you. I am perfectly happy and overjoyed being Emitts Momma, but I have come to the urgent realization that I am utterly lost when it comes to knowing who I really am. I am not happy or overjoyed about being ONLY labeled as his mother. I am much more than just a mother to a little boy. I am much more than a tiny humans snack bitch. I am MUCH MUCH more than a crotch goblins doormat. Okay, there's obviously more to being a mom, but this is genuinely what it feels like when you're wrestling a three year old into his bed while he keeps telling you to, "get out my house!" when you're the one who pays rent and utilities. Then they proceed to cry when you leave their room PER THEIR REQUEST, while they yell, "DON'T LEAVE ME!!"

I somewhat feel like the things running through your heads right now are something between, "Wow, she's a shitty mom. My kids not like that. I still have my identity outside of momming" and "Same girl, same." Well, to those of you thinking the first, that's mom shaming and you are part of the problem and your crotch goblins probably suck sometimes too. As for those who are thinking your life's pretty similar, I am giving you a high five and a hug to let you know you're a badass human being. It's okay to be a lost, and I am so proud of you for realizing and admitting you're lost. That in and of itself is amazing. We, especially us women, are insanely hard on ourselves and we as mothers are extremely brutal to one another. Mom shaming is what made me lose confidence in myself as a human being in general.

Mom shaming is why I feel guilty for doing anything remotely for me. Buy a cute top that's $25, return it the next day and buy two or three new shirts for my kid, even though he really doesn't need them. But what happened between the time I bought the shirt and the time I returned the shirt? The cashier scanning my new shirt and looking back and forth between it and my sons grey t-shirt with spaghetti-o stains on it and rolling her eyes before placing it in the bag. Which made me take it home hang it up and stare at it for an hour, after I fed my son and put him to bed then deciding "I'm returning it tomorrow. I don't need this." When in actuality, I did. Yes, I said I did need it. Not want, need. I needed that new shirt to feel better about myself. I needed that shirt to have confidence. Instead, I threw on a very old shirt with some stains, covered them with a scarf, and settled into the shame. But, I returned it based on a look of disgust and judgment from a cashier who looked like she was barely 18. Why have I let this happen? How did I let this happen? The answer is simple, I am letting society tell me what is okay and not okay to do/ be as a mom. I’m letting mommy guilt eat me from the inside out for what? To prove that I know how to be a mom?

Let me go deeper into my mom shame for a bit. I know plenty of single moms jumping in and out of relationships pretty frequently. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t see to much of a problem with it as long ,as everyone’s happy and safe and let’s be real, it’s no ones business but theirs. Now, that being said, I haven’t been in a relationship since after I graduated high school in 2014. Some of you are doing math of my sons age and realizing my sons dad and I weren’t actually a couple. You’re also probably thinking, “Why have you been single for so long?” Well, for one I have no self love therefore no self confidence, which was destroyed by words of others. For two, I have no desire to bring multiple men into my sons life. Three, I have no idea who I am outside of being a mom so how am I supposed to act on a date, let alone in a relationship. It all comes down to my lack of self care and self love.

A couple of days ago I made a choice. That choice is meant to shape who I am supposed to be. This choice will help me be a better mom, friend, coworker, family member, and human being in general. I have chosen to take myself back from the world that loves labeling us and trying to keep us in a box that we’ve become comfortable in. I have no intention of just politely stepping outside of my box. My “Emitts Momma“ box. The box made for me to only be identified as a mother. I intend to shatter it. I intend to break open this box with full power and fight and fight and tear it down every time it tries to rebuild around me. I refuse to let it remain my only identity.

I expect this to be a long, sometimes painful, but overall empowering, beautiful and much-needed journey. This is a journey of self discovery outside of being Momma. This is a journey of me embarking on a treacherous terrain of fear, constant uncomfortable situations, and unbelievable revelations is going to kick start the rest of my life. It’s going to lead me on the path less traveled. I fully expect to learn. I fully expect to cry and laugh. I fully expect to change. I fully and completely expect to be better. Self-care and self-love are so important. Nobody likes to talk about it, nobody likes to say how easily it is for someone to forget to love themselves and so easily forget that self-care is a part of self love.

So, here I stand, guilty. Guilty of not taking care of myself. But, I also stand ready to fight for myself. Ready to begin giving myself the kind of care, love, and attention that I give everybody else. Here is where I stand, here is where my self-care and self-love begin.

I hope you guys continue this journey with me.

Xoxo - K. Stapleton