Saving Myself

As a child I always knew I was special, special in the way like different, other worldly.

As was abandoned by my dad, he chose heroin over me when I was about 2 and my mom, although she was physically present, emotionally and mentally she abandoned me too, I was pretty much on my own from the start!

Thinking back, the universe placed specific adults in my life to teach me what my parents couldn’t, I just recently realized that and I’m so grateful for those individuals.

At the age of 4 I knew how to hide pain so I wouldn’t seem weak, I knew how to be independent so that I wouldn’t have to ask anybody for anything, out of fear of being rejected. 4 years old is to young to know any of that, and I often wish I could go back and be my mother so that I could receive that love I needed. But I’m fully aware that although my childhood and life was rough, I had to go through all that to get to this point. So I’ve accepted, I’ve forgiven and I’ve learned and I thank God/ The Universe for the good and the bad or what I perceived to be good or bad.

So my story starts here, I was born in Bronx, NewYork at Lincoln Hospital.

I was born anemic and jaundice so I wasn’t released from the hospital with my mother, I had to stay until both were under control, unfortunately I don’t know how much time that was because my mom suffers from PTSD, undiagnosed, and she isn’t able to fully and honestly remember her past.

During a past life regression session, in that hospital alone and without my mother I felt abandoned and that’s where the abandonment issues started also one of the staff members, were physically abused me and nobody knew and nobody saved me, so self worth and esteem issues also began there. Actually they probably originated in my mother’s womb, and when I tell her story I’ll go into further detail.

My parents were young when they had, and both came from dysfunctional homes, and were very poor.

I think there were many times my mom couldn’t feed me when I was a baby, so I didn’t get to eat, and she was stressed and frustrated so she would rough me up. And she was 15 immature and emotionally unavailable.

My father worked so he was never there, and at the beginning stages of his addiction. So he was also emotionally unavailable. So from the beginning of my life or this life I felt unwanted, unloved, and insignificant. So many times during meditation I’ve seen myself as a baby and oh how I just wish I could save myself, but I couldn’t.

At the age of anywhere between 2-4, my mom decides she wants to leave New York and move to Pennsylvania for a better life, she says for me but it was really for her. See she never wanted me, she got pregnant out of necessity, to her if she got pregnant she knew she would have a permanent home at my dads. And my dads home was a better situation then her other choice. I was always in here way and she let it be known, once she got to Pennsylvania she did find a better life. She was able to go to school, educate herself, find decent employment and decent housing but I was in her way, and not too long after she got P.A she met a man, who she didn’t love, but probably just wanted to have sex and get help with bills and things like that. She gets pregnant and all hell breaks loose, she wanted an abortion, I’m sure she felt like I already have 1 I don’t want now 2! Her best friend, who I consider an aunt, and is one of the first adults that were placed in my life on purpose, convinced her not. So she had a second unwanted child that was in her way. Surprise, surprise my brothers dad had a secret heroin addiction.

She spent a few years with him, and I resented him and my brother. I wanted nothing to do with either, during our childhood I was very mean to my brother, everything my mom did to me I did to him. He got abused from my mom and me. Today we love each other and I’ve apologized to him and I think he understands that I was a kid and just mimicking what was being done to me. He loves me and thinks I’m the best thing in the world, most of the time. His story is almost identical to mine, 2 parents who are emotionally unavailable, but I can say his dad loved him, he just chose his addiction over being a parent, when my brother was about 4 years old his dad tried to rob a corner store, he was concealing a hair comb in his jacket pretending it was a gun, the store owner had a shot gun and shot him point blank and that’s the end of his story.

I don’t think my mom was bothered by his death, I actually don’t think my mom ever loved him and I don’t think she can ever love anybody or emotionally attach to anybody, she was hurt that bad as a child.

I missed him after he was gone and i remember feeling guilty because he always tried to be nice and connect with me but i wouldnt and couldnt i was so jealous that my brother had a dad and i didnt, so i just rejected him.

I felt bad for my brother but i also felt like he was now just like me, an orphan.

Between the two of us she defenitely liked him or favored him more then me! I would always wonder what was it about him that she liked more. Was it because they were the same skin color, was it because he was a boy or was it because his dads pension helped her financially and my dad never gave her anything, so i was more of a finacial burden. My whole child hood i would try to figure these things out but i never knew until 3.5 years ago.

So after his death she stayed single for many years, she worked full time and always went to school part time. So she was never home and when she was she was depressed and not fun to be around. She got home from work at 5 pm if she didnt have a class, she was in bed by 7 pm. Never helped with homework, never gave a hug, never took us to do anything fun! And would try her best to make sure we felt just like her, anything that was fun or made us happy she would ensure that she intervene and stop it. We had no cable and sometimes no food all we had were our imaginations and no friends could come over and we were not allowed to go to any friends house.

I had a big huge imagination and my brother adored that about me. I would make a circus, school, movie theater whatever and thats how we had fun!

Once in awhile she would let us go to my aunts house and we loved it there and she hated that.

I had to babysit my brother while she worked and went to school but on the days that she was home i would wake up when the sun came up and stay outside with my friends until sunset i got beat all time for it but it never stopped me to do it again!

My sun sign is Saggitarius and we are the rebels of the zodiac and one thing that absolutely kills our spirits is confinement. We need to be free, so it explains my teenage years. Rebellious is an understatement for what i turned into.