Salute, Mom.

Growing up as teenagers, we think we know everything. The world revolves around us and mom doesn't know what she's talking about. We get to our adulthood and we start off thinking people should be living like us, as though we discovered a new way of life and everyone would be foolish to not live and see the world like we do. That's why we work so hard to get people to try the things we try and do the things we do and expect it to turn out the way it did for us, for the others we tried to influence. While in our bubble, we fail to realize that history repeats itself. Everything we thought was new, was just up cycled to fit the era. When our bubble gets popped, we find out that we don't know shit and the moment we do know anything significant is when we discover we actually don't know shit! Well at least speaking for myself.

Here I am at 35, with twin 2 year old girls and living with their father. Too many times I have a flash back of my mom and how she handled life while raising my siblings and myself, and I get it now. I watched her make difficult decisions time after time and majority of the time she never blinked, as though she knew what she had to do. I remember the day she decided to risk her life to save ours, knowing that the end result would lead to being homeless and stranded in the middle of nowhere. I was 15 at the time and I could see in her eyes that she had no clue what to do and where to go. As usual, that mind of hers worked it out and we had a ride back to the city and a temperary place to stay. That was just one example of her getting things done and finding a way, especially when it came to her children. Now, as I go through life I find myself always finding a way and getting things done.

June 12, 2018 I lost my mother. I had no idea the depth of her absence would bring after that day, because I wasn't a mother yet. After she passed, all I could think about was loosing my best friend, the person I knew had my back no matter what. So five months later when I enter a relationship and found myself pregnant. It tore me up a little inside, because I was entering into unknown territories. For 32 years of my life my mother was always there and now in one of the most important times in my life she wasn't. I was dealing with relationship issues that I had never dealt with and being that I was in love, it was hard to break away. I began to find myself pregnant and homeless, just as my mom was pregnant with me. I can't lie, I was scared of reliving her life, making her same mistakes.

Funny thing is after I had my girls and began living with their father. I began to understand my mother's ways and why she did certain things the way she did. I started to understand some of the decisions she made and the sacrifices she made to make life good for us. I now know why she raised me the way she did. I can admit that parenthood would be so much better with her in it, though she gave me the tools I needed now while growing up. I look back on the things I did and said as a teen and laugh when it slaps me in the face as an adult. As my mom dealt with it so am I and all I can find myself doing is apologizing and thanking her almost everyday. She raised me to be independent at the same time, she raised me in this bubble. A bubble of love, support, comfort and nurture, that I haven't really had as a whole seen her. It is hard living life without it after having it for so long. I can say that I would never trade being in that bubble for anything, even if it is hard to deal without it. For that bubble, I salute my mom and thank her for her teachings, that I'm able to pass on to my daughters. Which seem to have been born with that bubble. So here's to you mom and your beautiful soul. I actually know better now than as a teen, your legacy will always live on.