Sad Thoughts

It started with Fluffette, a dwarf kitten I was trying to keep alive. And I did, for almost a month. In the end, her little body was just too underdeveloped and she began to suffer. And I don't allow things to suffer if I can help it...

My fiance and I took her to the vet, and did the right thing by her. But, her little body fought so hard to stay alive. She wanted to live. She wanted to be strong enough. And that's what tore into me the most. I'm afraid I got too attached. And as someone who works in the rescue circles, I knew better. You try not to get attached to the ones you know won't make it long because it happens. It happens a lot. It's a part of life. It's part of the process.

Death. That's what makes life so precious, isn't it? It's the reason to exist, the reason to live. Death is what makes life worth living. Because it will end one day. Death is the one thing I cannot out stubborn, no matter how hard I try. I think Death must feel pity for people like me. People who deny something so hard and physically defy the universe until they're so beaten down by the inevitable that we just have to let it go.

To make things worse, our husky, which is the golden child of our dogs, to be honest, has to be put down tomorrow. Link is the epitome of 'goodest boy.' But he's a purebred husky, and he has seizures. And he's 6 years old, which is pretty good for his breed and health. He was very healthy until he wasn't. And then it went fast.

I feel that's how death always happens. Swift, like a blow to a vital spot that we saw coming, but we still got surprised. No matter how much we're expecting it, it's always shocking. The day Fluffette died, they had to take Link to the ER because he hadn't eaten in 3 days after a seizure. He was dehydrated and had double pneumonia. It was the weirdest. She was just fine, eating, meowing, walking... and then an hour later she was just curled up next to the water bowl, soaking wet from having fallen in I think.

Afterward the deal was done, I kept thinking: "Did she at least have a good life, for the little life she had? Did I do enough for her? She only got a few weeks. A few precious weeks, and most of those she spent fighting for her life. Was her life even worth it?"

And then I got to thinking about my mom, and how she is so sick. I don't know if mom felt like this when her mom was sick, because mom and grandma didn't get along well. And mom has a complicated grief over grandpa. But, when I was little, mom was larger than life. She was invincible. She was always dancing, showing off how she could still do cartwheels and kickstands.

And then one day, about 8 years ago, it all changed. Just suddenly. On a bathroom trip in the middle of the wee hours of the morning. Pain. And pain has been her life ever since. I keep thinking she's going to give up any day now. And I hate myself for being selfish enough to keep just asking God to make her pain go away but let her live. I'm not ready to never hear her yell at me again. Or not be able to call her when I don't know what to do for my own kids. I'm clinging to what I remember of her as a child before pain changed her and changed life forever. I'm selfish, but I don't want to lose my mom. She keeps telling me she's not going to die until she's like 90. But her pain tears at my heart.

And then that pain transfers and my mind thinks about my kids. Is this how they are going to feel about me when I am dying when they are older? What if something happens to me? What would happen to them if something took me away from them? Have I loved them enough? Do they know how much I love them? Or how proud I am to be their mother? That all three of them make my life SO full that I can't handle the thought of living without any of them? Will they remember that? Will they know that?

That's usually where I stop functioning and start spiraling into a deep dark pit of familiar depression that I have a hard time crawling out of. And the feeling of fear and terror fills me. I can barely stand losing a tiny kitten and a husky, let alone my mom. And the thought of something happening to me and taking me away from my babies, from my family? I'll be honest, I'm a hot mess. That's why there's so much writing today, instead of work or cleaning. It's a little rough.

I don't know how to conquer this fear. I believe in the afterlife too. So the fact that if something did happen, the thought of me being trapped as a ghost or watching my family grieve for me is also very distressing. Having faith and belief sometimes doesn't provide comfort. I can't imagine ever being happy in heaven without my family, watching them, and being incredibly lonely without them. It usually only takes me a couple of days to snap back. Because at the end of the day, life can't be wasted dwelling on the inevitable, no matter how much it scares you.

I gotta be strong for my family.

It's just been a really rough couple of weeks. There's been a lot going on. But I feel better, after typing out my feelings. I realize there's no point in thinking about future death or worrying about what happens after. Life goes on. I can only pray I live my life to the fullest in a way that the people and animals I love most know, no matter what, without a shadow of a doubt, how much I love them. While I am devastated at these losses, and the grief from it is sharp, it's also reminded me to be patient with my babies and tell them I love them. To let that kiss linger a little longer on my love's lips. To hug my bubba and sissy a little more often and be nicer to them.

Life is fleeting. And you never know when it will stop but you can be sure that when it does, it'll stop very suddenly. And painfully to those around you. So I try not to live my life bitter, but passionately. And I know I'm afraid of the inevitable, but it is just that: inevitable. So I'll focus on the now. For now, I'll cry my tears of grief for our good boy, and my strong kitten. And I'll be there for those who are grieving in my house too. And little by little, life will go back to feeling normal, until our next big change.

Life doesn't stop for sadness. Or grief. So we have to keep living, and we have to keep living as well as we can. For those that have been lost and are depending on our happiness for peace afterlife, and for those who are still here with us, depending on us to be there through the darkness until the sun shines again. And we embrace the inevitable when it inevitably comes.

My 5-year-old daughter is competing in Nationals at the All American Miss Pageant in Orlando Fl, during Thanksgiving Week this year. It is being hosted with National American Miss. We are trying to raise money for hotel costs, her casual modeling outfit, her formal gown, and to submit her portfolio in a Photogenic. All money I make off of Vocal will be going straight to her Pageant.

If you are inspired by my “amazing” writing (haha!) to donate to Aylaina-Sky's pageant, please tip this story! Every dollar helps! (I feel dirty posting this here, but we desperately need help with raising money for the pageant)