Reminder

My life, my story....

Growing up, I was always reminded,

Reminded about the pain and confusion I felt as a child.

At a very young age, I was always reminded,

Reminded of how I’ve Brutally struggling to survive, a malnourished 3 year old child who looked as though she was ready to take her last breath.

Every where I turned, it was a reality I wished I wasn't apart.

Dear mom & dad...

19 years later, & to this very day I'm still reminded.

Reminded about the day you've decided to give up on me,

Reminded about the steps you've took to leave me in a dumpster at a post-office, simply because you didn't think I was worth taking care of.

Reminded of the initiative a stranger had taken, to take the vow to cater for a new born out of a dumpster & raise her as her own child.

Reminded of many restless nights I've had as a child, constantly getting illed, bruised, tooth decay and extremely damaged hair due to the lack of nutrients and care.

Ear aches after ear aches, were enough of an reminder on how careless you were as a mother and a father to not take hold of their sick daughter, but instead decided to leave her out in the streets, & hold tight to your other youngsters.

Growing up, I always knew something was missing. At the age of 5, it was quite hard to comprehend the emotions & emptiness I felt within, but not for long. Long after everything came naturally and made sense.

It was shattering to look back at my young self, remembering gazing at another father & daughter connection in awe . Eventually I became envious & angry, knowing I've never had a father figure to call my own, someone to teach me how to ride my first bike, someone to walk me down the aisle & most importantly a father to help me better understand a mans world.

So young with a vulnerable mind, It was extremely complex to communicate with others, after-all, these experiences were so explicit to a child’s mind, that it hindered many areas of my personal and mental growth.

2009.

Remembering the feel of the cold breeze against my skin, the brittleness of the air seeping through my clothing, a feeling as though millions of needles were jabbing against my skin. Dry crisp lips, licking to maintain the moisture. My eyes lazily opened, rubbing them with my index fingers, the dryness of my eyes make it so hard to grasp the new environment. Winter wonderland I thought, the multiple lights reflecting on the ice crystals presented on the ground. A land of many dreams and opportunities lingered my mind, a new life and a new beginning for little me.

Moving to a brand new country has its pros and cons, but it was definitely one of the best experiences, even tho there was a lot of mental adjustments that had to be done, it had given me a wider insight on life & how to communicate with others & being able to manoeuvre in areas I've lacked.

(S.B)

In 2012 was when I met my first love,due to all of the complications I’ve faced in my youth, it made it extremely hard to love such a precious and beautiful soul, the way we both deserved.

" I thought you were the hottest chick, I didn't care what my friends thought, or said about you, I never listened because I saw beauty in you regardless."

Staring so deeply into my eyes as those words slowly escaped his mouth, I couldn't quite grasp reality in that specific moment. I couldn't quite understand why he felt that way or why he saw what he did in me, but clearly the lack of self love I had within could justify my emotions.

Growing up, I've always struggled with self acceptance. I hated my appearance, everywhere I went I always tried to cover up when attending school or going out in public.

It was hard being a youngster,

I thought being a child was suppose to be the best days of your life, but guess not.

I could vividly remember the amount of laughter's, and insults I would receive on a day to day basis. I could remember continuously being followed in the halls, & being told "are you trying to escape us, because you're aware you're going to be make fun of you".

It was devastating, & exhausting. It had made things extremely complicated. Making friends wasn't as easy as I thought, loving and accepting myself was non existing. Expressing my emotions to others was not easy at all, I felt so ashamed, I thought no one would ever understand the emotions I was going through, so I stayed quiet.

I hated school, I hated the kids, I hated the way everything was. I hated always being criticized & picked on for the things I couldn't quite control. I hated my appearance, I hated the texture and the length of my hair. Most importantly, I hated the way I went about my first true connection with someone.

Due to all of the previous and continuous hurt, I ended up losing a very special person that saw the best in me, when i didn't. The one person that believed in me when i didn't, & the only person that loved me for me when I didn't. Overtime he had lost all the respect he had for me, he couldn't bare to look at me, due to a stupid mistake I had make in the past. In the moment, I never took him or any of his words seriously, I thought it was just another test in life, we talk, he gets super close & realizes that i'm not the person he was expected, but instead was just a broken wreak that needed reassurance of my worth and guidance in life.

After all of these experiences, It has definitely taught me self love and self appreciation over time. It had taught me the things we face in life is all for a bigger plan, even tho we cant quite comprehend everything in the moment of time, eventually everyone gets the clarity and light that they need in life, & the best lesson in life is to learn to let go.

To be continued...