Reluctance and Acceptance

In Trinidad, Manisha and I had decided to get married without the prior consent of our parents. This was culturally unacceptable for our respective families. After my commitment to Manisha, I returned to East Lansing, Michigan, and wrote a letter to my parents in Lucknow, India, that I have decided to marry a Trinidadian girl of Indian descent. The sequence of psychological events in dealing with this news in my family is very interesting. It was initially an utter surprise to my father and a shock to my mother that how I could have taken such a drastic decision of my marriage without their prior blessings. Here, I think it is important to state that my mother had died when I was only fourteen years old and had two younger siblings. My father was remarried, and my stepmother and I had the most cordial mother-son relationship. Initially it was quite difficult for my parents to comprehend the whole situation because all my life I have been an obedient son and never did anything that either I or my parents ever regretted. For every major decision I ever took in my life, I always had the blessings of my parents. Like all Indian parents, my parents too were waiting for my return home from the United States. They would have selected a girl of their choice and with my approval they would have finalized my marriage. It is indeed a matter of pride and extreme pleasure for parents in India to go through the whole long process of marriage of their children (specially sons). It seems for a moment my parents felt betrayed by me for taking this unilateral decision to marry Manisha. But this feeling was only momentary; very soon everyone was happy and both Manisha and I had blessings of my parents and the rest of the family.

Just imagine the kind of family and social pressure I had to endure to get married. But at Michigan State University (MSU) I had buried myself under a large heap of a very serious and difficult workload and there was absolutely no time to ponder anything related to my marriage. A consistent supply of affectionate, considerate and at times very loving letters from Manisha kept my life on track and helped me keep my sanity intact. After my Trinidad trip in November 1975 the frequency of her letters and our mutual trust in each other increased significantly and she wrote me adoring love letters because by now she was writing to her fiancé. I wanted to finish my Ph. D. and marry my fiancée as soon as possible.

I wrote to my father and informed him of my wonderful trip to Trinidad and over a week-long stay with the Ramcharan family. It was a very happy and joyous experience. I narrated in detail the graciousness and hospitality of the Ramcharan family, especially of Manisha’s parents. I also informed him about how wonderful and beautiful this island country Trinidad was and everything about Manisha that I knew at that time. And with this introduction I informed my father that since I have known her for over five years and we love each other, thus we had decided to marry.

I know I should have taken permission of my parents; but I did not have time for that. Had I waited to get permission from my parents before I proposed to Manisha; that would have been too late and would have immensely disappointed and hurt her feelings for me. I certainly did not wish to do anything like that. The circumstance in which I proposed to Manisha for marriage did not give us any time for parental permission. There was absolutely no time to even inform our parents.

In his reply my father wrote me on November 24, 1975, “I read it in one breath. Your mummy seeing me much absorbed asked me to what was written therein. I told her of the contents in brief but before I could finish, she was sobbing. However, I calmed her within minutes. The reasons of her weeping were as follows: (1) You being our only son she had a mind to perform your marriage on a grand scale. At the first shock she felt deprived of her legitimate right. Most Indian women have the same soul and behave similarly. (2) She was determined to bring for you the most beautiful girl in our community and thus wipe out the stigma attached to her name as a step-mother, and (3) When the women of our colony teased her by saying that you would be returning home with a wife, she had boasted that her son was made of a different metal.” I deeply appreciated the intellectual maturity of my father; he continued, “I must now congratulate you. As for myself you know I have never been a nagging father. To me your happiness is my happiness. I told your mom that even if we had arranged a match here, we would not have gone against the wishes of Arun.” I offered a detailed explanation of my long relationship, praise for Manisha and her pleasant personality and gave my reasoned arguments to my parents in her favour that eventually not only developed into acceptance but also affectionate consideration for her. Finally, my family had started to love her once she was accepted as part of our Srivastava family, and they were eagerly waiting for her to join the family as a daughter-in-law. My family in India especially my parents and sister were shocked and extremely saddened at the news of Manisha’s passing away in April 1976.